How Do They Do That?

Tonight we all worked together in the basement to sort old toys for donation. I'm proud of the kids, because they were fine with giving away their old toys - DD especially let go of a lot of her "little girl" items, like baby dolls, Barbies, and Polly Pockets. We kept a few items for future foster placements, but ended up with 3 very large boxes for donation.

So there I was tonight after the kids had headed to bed, pairing up items and packaging them for donation - matching this outfit with that doll, these accessories with that play set. Anyway, I got to the Barbie kitchen set and started to tape the components together, when I discovered a mess in the kitchen "sink." Brown, spattered goo dried all over everything. I mean, it looked like throw up, smelled like throw up (yech!), and was a pain in the neck to clean. If I didn't know better, I'd think that Barbie went on a little bender with Ken and couldn't get to the toilet in time, so she tossed her cookies in the sink instead. Gross!

So, how did she do it? I mean, if one of the kids had thrown up all over something, I would have known about it - they don't miss a chance to get their share of sympathy. The cat hasn't been allowed down there for several years. I can't think of any food that would look like that (and splatter like that). I'm baffled.

And now I'm very tired and heading to bed. Good thing this is only a 2-day week for me!

A Little Distracted...

This morning, I thought I was being clever. I had tossed some work clothes in the dryer last night, so they would be ready to wear today. But this morning I didn't want take the time to run downstairs, grab the shirt I needed, and run back upstairs before getting dressed.

So, thinks I, I will don the rest of my ensemble, and wear my pajama T-shirt (the ratty-edged, tiny-holed, sloppy comfy one) downstairs to the dryer, where I will make the swap and leave my T-shirt to be hauled upstairs later. I've done this before. It works..... in theory.

So, I come downstairs, get the kids' snacks ready for school, feed the cats, pack my lunch, get kids out the door, revel in a light traffic day (unlike the rest of the snowy mornings recently), get the kids to morning care, which is 2/3 of the way to my work.

And on the way out the door, happen to look down and try to place the green shirt I'm wearing. And it hits me. Now, my office is business casual, but not that casual. So, I had to drive home, change, and head back to work in heavier traffic, adding an hour to my arrival time.

Sigh... guess I was a little distracted! But wouldn't I have gotten some funny looks showing up at work in my PJ's!!!

Happy Birthday DS!

Just a quickie today, as I know I am falling way behind again.

I just logged in to update my profile, because DS is 11 today. I can't believe how much that little 5-year-old who walked in my door 5 1/4 years ago how grown! He's doing so wonderfully lately, and has been a bright spot in our days (hope I haven't jinxed it!) He even took the news pretty well when we told him DH has to work tonight, so he will only open one gift tonight, and get the rest this weekend when my in-laws are here for a visit. (which will give me time to finish shopping, too) Previously, he would have pouted for a while about it.

The hiccup could be whether DD decides to be cooperative today. The stealing continues, and I will post the Saga of the Gym Shoes one of these days. That, combined with lying, failing to bring homework home, lying about homework, etc., has earned her several days worth of grounding (basically, no evening snack and straight to bed when homework is done). Sigh... she just has to push and push and push until we reach our breaking point. Every December. Grr.... I know, I know... seasonal issues, time of year issues, holiday issues.... Doesn't mean it isn't ANNOYING!!!

But hopefully this will be an angst-free day for our not-so-little boy, and we will be able to relax and celebrate.

Sigh...Why do I Delude Myself?

You know, you'd think I would have learned by now. We'd just finished dealing with DD's last round of stealing. As part of her consequence, she had to write apology notes to those affected, and had to write lines saying she would not steal and she would not touch other people's stuff. I know, it sounds archaic, but it makes a good deterrent for her, and I hope the repetition will make the message stick.

So hope springs eternal in my heart that this time will be the last incident. That this will be the time the message sinks in. That this time will be different. HA!

Not 20 minutes after completing her consequence, DS and our Respite Foster Son (we'll call him Jon), came upstairs and asked if they could each have gum. DS happily shared with Jon, and they headed back downstairs to play. DD, of course, then asked if she, too, could have some gum. I said sure, and she proceeded to dig through her treat basket. I was standing there watching her hunt and shuffle things around, and saw her quickly palm a piece from DS's basket when she couldn't find one in her own. Sigh....

What gets me is that all she would have had to do is say, "I don't have any gum left in my basket, may I take one from my Halloween candy," and I would have said sure! And she did it right while I was standing there watching! So, she apologized to her brother, returned the purloined piece along with another from her own bag, and back to writing a few more lines. She said later that she was mad, but she handled it well, so there's something in the plus side.

And again, I can't help but hope that maybe this time will be the last one....

CSI: Midwest

Ever think about just how much detective work we need to do to figure out our kids and what they're really doing? Those of you with FASD teenagers are at the PhD level in this arena, but I was thinking today about how we get to the real story, instead of the ones our kids want to tell us.

1) The obvious evidence: For some reason, some kids must think we are half blind and deaf. I mean, do they really believe that we won't notice the smear of chocolate on their face that tells of the stolen treat? Or the big hole in the sock that tells of a little too much fun with the scissors? (a favorite of DD's a couple years ago) Or that, hmmm...., there was no mess on the floor, you walked in and out of the room, and now there is (insert favorite gross/sticky/slimy/hard to pick up item here) all over the floor - that's a tough one. You expect this at 4, but by 12, they should have this down, right? Not that I'm complaining.

2) The over-insistence of innocence: Why is it that some children believe that repeating, over and over, "I'm not lying," will convince us of their veracity? My DD likes to punctuate this with a good foot-stomping, as in, "I'm (stomp). Not (stomp). Lying (STOMP)!" Well, now that you're rhythmic about it, of course I believe you!

3) The long stare: This doesn't work with everyone, but it does for me with DS. I don't even necessarily have to know exactly what he did, just the general sense of guilt, and I can stare it out of him. This technique worked surprisingly well on 11th grade basketball players back when I was teaching.

4) Presumed guilty until proven innocent: With DD, I have learned not to ask, "Did you do this?" or "Where did this come from?" or the ever popular, "Why?" It just invites her to lie. In my calmer moments, I have better success with, "To whom should this be returned?" (and yes, I'm a grammar nut and actually use whom, thanks to my Grandma) It takes out the guess work, and minimizes the fun little fits and whines (and rhythmic stomping). And I'm never going to understand why anyway. For instance, why would she feel the need to take an empty Tic Tac container off the playground, put it in her mouth for a while, then keep it in her backpack? I will never know, and my life will just be more peaceful if I learn to accept that now.

5) K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid (me, not her)): I try (and frequently fail) to remember not to ask complicated questions. DD will get lost in the details and suck me into the vortex along with her. I try to stick with "yes," "no," and "how many" questions. "What happened on the bus yesterday?" will get me a long-winded, and often off-topic narrative. "Did you hit someone?" "Who did you hit?" "What happened right before you hit them?" etc. takes longer, but gets more to the point (though I still may have to ask a few times before getting an answer)

6) Be careful with specifics: I have found that sometimes details in my questions can trip me up. For instance, recently I asked DD, "What happened in Gym today?" "Nothing" "The teacher told me you got mad at XXX?" "That wasn't today, that was yesterday." "Why did you hit her?" "I didn't hit her." "Well, the teacher said something happened." "I didn't hit her, I pushed her." Sigh....

7) The all-knowing Oz: Sometimes, it's good to just pretend you know exactly what you're doing, even when you don't. For instance, last night I went upstairs to put something away, and heard faint footsteps. I wasn't sure if they were coming from DH downstairs, or one of the rooms upstairs, and even then I couldn't tell which room. Out of curiosity, I opened DD's door. She immediately called out, "I'm sorry, Mom." I gave her the reminder that she's supposed to be in bed, and she'll never know that I only caught her by accident.

8) Wait for the prayer: Each night, our bedtime routine includes prayers. For part of this, we ask them to ask for forgiveness for something they've done that day (i.e. - hitting my sibling), then ask God to help them do better in the future. For some reason, DD (and sometimes DS) hasn't figured out that we are there listening when she prays. I mean, she knows we're there, since we're kneeling by the bed, but she doesn't seem to realize we actually hear her. So the other night, when we returned from Thanksgiving, I discovered the doll brush in her things (even though she no-so-subtly tried to palm it out of sight), and knew it wasn't hers (I have developed a fairly accurate memory of most of her belongings, just so I can ID the ones that aren't hers). Upon questioning, she told me first that she didn't know where it came from, then that she found it, then that she found it outside Grandma's house in the driveway. Now, I can see no reason that an ownerless doll brush should appear suddenly (nice and clean, by the way) in front of a middle-of-nowhere-and-no-kids-nearby house. I couldn't get her to admit where it had really come from, but did get a nice, oh-so-convincing foot-stomping performance out of the deal. Shortly afterwards, in her prayers, she asked, "Please forgive me for stealing M__'s doll brush. Please help me not to steal." And here I thought you didn't know to whom it belonged, dear?

8) Get your story straight: Another "Don't you get it?" moment comes when dealing with incidents at school. Despite numerous reminders, DD seems to forget that I am constantly available to her teachers, as they are to me, via e-mail and phone. Depending on the current level of surveillance, she can't sneeze without my knowing it. So why does she think hiding something at school won't get back to me? Recently it was "incomplete assignment" sheets. The teacher would give it to her, DD would put it back on the teacher's desk or hide it, the teacher would give it back, repeat ad nauseum. These things have to be signed by a parent, so how did she think this was going to slip by me?

So how about you? Have any favorite tricks for sussing out the truth from the lies? I know I've forgotten some, and we can all use some new tricks in our parenting kit ;-)

The Storm After the Calm

Well, we've survived the Thanksgiving holiday and are on to the juggernaut that is the Christmas season. This next few weeks are always a rush, not just because of the holiday/presents/decorating thing, but also because DS's birthday comes in just a few more days, and there is always year-end stuff at work. But the reward is the 1 1/2 weeks off work after the holiday, so I'm very much looking forward to that break!

This was our year to make the 5 hr. trip to DH's parent's house. Two of his three siblings, their spouses, and children were there - 13 of us in all. Fortunately, we are still able to find sleeping spots for the whole family in the house, even with the last sibling is there and we have 17 total. The cousins are all fairly close in age, and they get along well. We even get to have a somewhat Norman Thanksgiving - we have the kids eat first, then send them downstairs to watch videos while we have our grown-up dinner.

The issue happened at the end of the weekend. I have actually spent the last couple of weeks wondering when we were going to pay for our recent period of calm. We are not used to so much excellent behavior from our kids, and I've started to think we were ripe for a breakdown. November is usually DD's tough month. Do other parents get nervous whenever things go well for long periods of time?

On Sunday morning before church, the kids came down for breakfast, and DD headed for the downstairs bathroom, since the upstairs one was occupied. I noticed that she seemed to be taking an inordinately long time in there, and figured I'd better investigate (she has a thing with bathrooms - we've never figured out why). As I got there, I heard a drawer slide shut, and the door was locked when I tried it. No, that's not suspicious at all...

I ordered DD to open the door immediately, and when she did, I asked her what she'd been playing with. She pointed to the top drawer and said she had just been looking. I started to tell her she was not to play with others' stuff, when I saw that her lips were covered with red lipstick (such as you might imagine on a guilty 4-yr-old). Despite being 12 now, DD has no concept of "little bit" of anything, so when she decides to do something like this, it isn't halfway. I asked her which lipstick, which she pointed out, and found it completely smashed/smeared/pressed into the cover. Great.

I told her to start washing (took three rounds of "no, you're not done yet" before it was to my satisfaction), and told her she would have to admit her crime to Grandma. As luck would have it, my mil entered the area at just that moment, and DD apologized as instructed. I told my mil that DD would pay her back if she liked, or whatever consequence she wanted. At that point, my mil didn't answer, and said she would have to think about it, she was just too upset.

The morning moved on, and just before leaving for church, my mil told me that she had discovered her tube of concealer had lipstick all over it, too. Since we were heading out the door, I asked to see it when we returned. In the meantime, I advised DD that if there was anything else with which she had played, she should admit it now, or face doubled consequences. With much wailing and stomping of feet, she insisted, "I'm not lying" and pouted her way out of the door. No, not suspicious at all....

After church I confronted her with the concealer. She tried saying she hadn't touched it, then revised it to, "Oh, well I only did it once," as if this made all the difference in her answer. And she wonders why I never believe her when she says, "I'm not lying?" So she has to pay back double for the concealer.

At this point I asked my mil how much the lipstick & concealer cost, and she started telling us how this had happened before, and describing 2-3 yr. old incidents, and it was tough because you had to watch her all the time (like I didn't know that), and had tears in her eyes over how hard it was.

Well: 1) Don't wait 3 years and then tell us something was a problem. We can't solve it now, but if we had known then, we could have nipped it in the bud. Generally after we tackle something once or twice, it becomes less of a problem. If you decided to let it go at the time, then don't bring it up now 2) I realize it's tough to watch her for a weekend. Try every day. Actually, it's more a state of being aware, rather than constant one-on-one surveillance. And hard as I try, some things just sneak past 3) From now on every incident that happens there will be blamed on DD, guilty or not 4) I realize it's frustrating, but it's just a lipstick for crying out loud! Tears not required!

Later, DS noticed that an ear had been torn off a stuff animal and pointed it out to me. We both questioned what had happened, and tried to remember if it had looked that way before. I brought it up to my mil, and she then proceeded to grill DS about how it happened, as if he was lying. I even told her I was sure he hadn't done it, since he was the one who pointed it out, but the grilling continued.

I guess I'm just frustrated because it has always felt as if our kids are not as good in her book as the birth grandchildren. Never mind that ours have better manners, fight less, whine less, and help out more without argument. They don't quite fit, they weren't here as babies, they have issues, and they don't look like anyone in the photo album. This is supremely frustrating to me. I spend visits watching them like a hawk so they don't do anything "unseemly." I finally figured out this is why I find visits so stressful. You would think that having raised an adopted FASD child herself, understanding would be more forthcoming, but it's not.

OK, rant over. I'm just glad she didn't find out that DD also stole a doll brush from her cousin (which is being returned, with a note of apology). And then I found a couple of items stolen from a classmate in her backpack. DD's done so well with not stealing this year, so it's frustrating that she's started again.

As we left to head for home, DH and I had to laugh - at least DD is a really bad liar. I mean, did she really think the huge red smear of lipstick on her face and the smushed tube would go unnoticed? Or the bright red smeared on the tan concealer? Just goes to show how her brain does not think through all the logical steps of a plan like this. At least it makes life easier for us :)

My Next Car

I have found my next car. I am hoping to pick it up in the next few days.

When MD's Don't "Get It"

Tonight I took DS & DD for their 2 year physicals. Because their ages are 14 mo. apart, if I time it right I can hit it so they are both in an even year and get them both with one trip. They have been really healthy the last couple of years, so we haven't been to that Dr. office since their last physical in 2006.

The doctor the kids had seen for many years is no longer at this clinic, and what was once a small local clinic is now part of one of the bigger health chains. This doesn't bother me (I wasn't a huge fan of the old doctor, and by linking with the bigger chain, we will have more direct access to more doctors.), however when I called to make the appointment, I found that they had input all the kids' old information into the computer (since birth dad was local, they had gone to this clinic with him previously). Birth names, birth dad & family as contacts, addresses, emergency contacts. They couldn't even locate the kids in the system at first, and this is after I have been taking them there for the last 5 years. Imagine what would have happened if the school or daycare had called based on the info on their emergency cards. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed.

Since their old doctor had retired, we needed to select a new one. This is rather like Russian roulette, so I just took whatever name they offered. After all, they mean nothing to me without meeting the dr. in person. I was pleased to get a woman, since I can see DD needing a female dr. in the future.

The nurse did a great job getting all the information in the system (though it took forever), doing the various checks on the kids, etc. Then the Dr. arrived. She asked about the kids' general health, and did the usual checks. Then she started in on DS's new medication (Abilify). She wanted to know whether he was diagnosed as bipolar, and what behaviors we had seen before he went on the meds. Now, I don't have a problem with full disclosure to a doctor, but I was miffed that she was doing it in front of him, his sister, and the nurse, and while he was clearly embarrassed. I didn't feel I could talk freely, and I felt like she was questioning our judgement in the meds and about his issues. Since we got the scrip through our psychiatrist, I'm not dependant on her for it anyway.

Then it was DD's turn. Again, she started questioning the meds (Vyvanse, which she spelled incorrectly). She asked if it was for ADHD, and I said, "Yes, but also for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome."

She glanced at DD and said, "She doesn't really have the facial features of FAS." To which I calmly responded, "It is more obvious in her younger pictures, and besides, facial features are only a small component of the diagnosis." I mentioned that while she performed well on logical, clear cut tasks, more abstract concepts were difficult, as well as impulse control.

Then we discussed their asthma maintenance. While at first the kids had a lot of problems, now they basically only have issues intermittently, mostly whenever they pick up a cold bug. Even though I wasn't bowled over by the last doc, he at least realized early on that I had a good handle on how to monitor the kids' asthma and what tools (meds) I needed to accomplish this without a lot of bogus office visits. The new one just talked over me and told me we couldn't have this or that (the meds which have worked in the past), and if things got to that point then we would just have to come in. In other words, they want to bill insurance for more visits. Grrr...

It really bugged me that she had seen these kids for less than 10 minutes, but was questioning our diagnosis and reading of their needs. I do not like being talked down to, or having my knowledge questioned like that. I felt it was unprofessional for her to make the kids so uncomfortable by talking about everything in front of them, and making me explain their faults in detail in their presence. It's not that they don't know what their issues are, they just don't need it rubbed in their faces.

Fortunately, if the last few years hold true, we won't need a dr. visit for another 2 years (knock on wood). By that point, we can pick a different dr. for our appointment. I could switch clinics, but there aren't many as convenient for us, and I have loved the nursing staff. The nurse today took extra time to go through their charts and input all the kids' past immunizations into the system, so she could give me a nice printout. (I never had a great record before, just info I had cobbled together). If we had more medical issues, maybe it would be worth it, but not so much for such healthy kids.

Oh, and to top it all off, both kids needed 3 shots (flu, chicken pox, and Tetanus booster). DD, who I'd think would be a wimp, was just fine. DS, who generally likes to show off how tough he is (and barely flinched at the last flu shot), tried to refuse and ended up howling. How can something so necessary make me feel like such a mean mom!? And I didn't even opt for the optional Meningitis or HPV vaccines.

My Little Penguin

At the party, DD received 4 new Webkinz. The one below was the first one, and in light of my recent post, it made me giggle.

How could the other little girl know that DD is my little penguin?

Way Behind, Part 2

After the race, we ran a couple of errands and headed home to get some homework finished, since we had big plans for the evening.

You may recall that DD's birthday was about a month ago. However, for various scheduling reasons, we didn't have the party at that time. In the past few years, in fact, we had been avoiding the party thing because we had such a hard time getting girls to come to DD's parties, and I didn't want to see her heartbreak. We made up an excuse of "getting too old" to avoid the issue.

Well, this year, since the kids started in a new school, we figured it would be a good time to resurrect the party thing. There are only 10 girls in DD's class, which is a manageable number, so we decided to invite them all. It would give the girls a chance to socialize together, and me a chance to get to know the girls. Of the ten, all but 2 accepted. A couple of girls wanted to come so badly that their parents made special transportation arrangements.

Rather than have them all at our house (chaos!), or go to some run-around-like-crazy activity, we decided to have the girls do some service. There is an organization in our area which recruits volunteers of all ages to help pack nutritious meals for shipment oversees to starving children. The donated labor has made it possible for them to provide over 70 million meals in the past 5 years, at about 15 cents each, consisting of rice, soy protein, veggies, and a (vegetarian) chicken flavored vitamin mix. The girls had a blast (and looked great in those hair nets ;-)!

When we were done, we headed to a nearby pizza parlor for presents, pizza and cake. It was interesting to see the girls interact. DD is still obviously behind them socially, but most of them take it in stride. You can tell that some are more comfortable than others, but that is to be expected. It was wonderful to see her having such a great time, and be part of tre normal, giggly "girl stuff" that others enjoy. What a great group of girls!

We're going to do the same thing for DS's birthday in a couple of months (he only has 10 boys in his class). It will be interesting to see how a group of boys is different than the girls!

Way Behind, Part 1

Ever have so much to blog that you didn't know where to start? I have been falling more and more behind in the last couple of weeks. Not just in my blogging, but in everything, it seems. Nothing crucial, and everything in the "has to" category is getting completed, but there are a lot of things falling by the wayside. I keep hoping that *this* weekend will be the one I get back on track, but it doesn't seem to be happening. So I will just pick something and go with it....

Last Saturday was a rather busy day for us. After DS's success in his cross country meet, I went looking for other running opportunities for him. I'm hoping to find a track team for younger kids, so he can get more experience.

In my searching, I stumbled on the USA Track & Fitness website, and a contact there recommended that we bring DS to that weekend's Junior Olympic Qualifying race. It was 3K (almost twice what he's run previously), but he was game, so I figured I would take him out there. Of course, it was freezing (literally) that day. Fine for those who are busy running, not so fine for those of us who are standing around waiting. The things we do for love ;-)

DS was psyched up for the race, though a little nervous. It was around the paths on a nearby golf course, so some hills, but nothing too steep. At the halfway point he was doing well and in good spirits. At the 5/6 point, not so much. As he ran toward us, up a hill, he was crying and saying, "I can't do this." I encouraged him that he was almost to the end, and that he could indeed push through. He finished in 10:54, but got to the end and announced, "I'm never doing that again." I just told him what a great job he did, and how proud of him I was. I reminded him that he was the youngest in the group, and had never trained at that distance, so maybe it wasn't the best situation to make that decision. He quickly calmed down. Later, in the car, he said he thought he had come in tenth, and I told him that the top 10 in each age group were automatically invited to participate at Nationals (in Virginia).

His response? "AW....Aren't you going to take me to Nationals?!"

So you can see why I didn't worry to much about his "never again" comment. I knew that once the immediate discomfort wore off, he'd be good as new, and he was. Now he has a medal to show for it, and we have a better idea of what to expect next time.

Updates and School Conferences

This morning I took DS to his 3-month follow-up after being put on Abilify for his anger issues. It was great to have nothing but wonderful things to report. This medicine has made a huge difference for him. It gives him that split second he needs to stop and think before his anger rages out of control. I think we've only had one rage since he started, and a few crying sessions. But even then he's done better at getting back on track.

We're also going to try DD on Vivance, since she is outgrowing her Adderall. Hopefully this will give her a little bit more focus during the day. Anyone have experience with this med?

This evening it was time for conferences. First DS's - nothing but glowing things. According to the teacher, he has blended well into his new classroom, has an excellent work ethic, and sets a great example for his peers. DS absolutely loves this teacher. In his eyes, she hung the moon. We find this interesting, as she is known for being one of the stricter teachers in the school, but in his words, "she keeps me in line, and I need that." She commented that he has shown a lot of maturity in class, and is a joy to have as a student. It's been wonderful to watch him blossom this year. He loves that he is no longer known as the "angry kid," and instead can just enjoy his friends.

In between conferences, we decided it would probably be a good idea to locate our children. DS was playing with some of the kids in the gym, but we couldn't find DD in the child care room or the gym. We started looking for her elsewhere, and finally found her in the conference room, quietly working on her homework. What a great sight!

We tensed ourselves for DD's conference next. The first part of her year was rough, and I was constantly being told about what she was doing wrong, leading me to some pretty down moments. We weren't sure what to expect (though we keep in contact with the teacher constantly). Fortunately, we were in for a pleasant surprise. Her grades this quarter were mostly A's & B's, with C's thrown in for PE and Science. Though she still gets mad at some of the transitions and anticipation of consequences, we were told DS has made huge strides in the classroom. The teacher said that today her name was on the board for talking, and was accidentally erased. When asked if hers had a check or not (a check after your name means missed recess time), DS calmly said that yes, she did, and put her own name in the "5 minutes" category. This is amazing to us - a few years ago she would have run out of the room screaming. We talked about her success, and we think that part of it is that consequences are very clear at this school, and very consistently applied. She knows what to expect, and I think that takes away some of the tension. She's learned that missing 5 min. of recess will not be the end of the world, too.

We met with DD's science teacher, too, since this has been a trouble spot. Last week, DD got mad because she had to redo an assignment, so she screamed, "I hate you and I hate science!" at the top of her lungs. We wanted to see if we could come up with some strategies for the future. After talking to the teacher, we learned that, for that class, C+ is a very good grade (tougher curve). Also, the teacher was able to look back and see what she could have done differently to avoid escalating the situation the previous week, and we discussed some strategies she could use in the future. We are so glad that the kids are integrating into this school. Although we know it won't always be smooth sailing, we are definitely confident we made the right decision.

Of course, it was a different story when we got home. DS still can't handle any sort of criticism of his homework. I'm not talking harsh criticism, where we tell him how awful he is (and we definitely don't do that!!!). I mean little things like, "You might want to check this section for misspelled words," or, "I think you aren't quite understanding how the carrying thing works - let's take a look at it." Basics of a parent helping their child. But the way he responds, you'd think I'd just called him every horrible name in the book, and rejected him from the family. He just bawls and can't be consoled. I have learned to hug him, remind him that a correction of his work is not a criticism of him, and tell him to go calm down in his room and come back when he's ready to face his work again. Generally, after he is calm again, he does a great job on whatever the subject is.

Today it was because he'd written a story, but had cut it very short just to be done. Writing stories is something he does very well, so I knew it was an "I want to be finished quickly" type of ending, and not one into which he'd put a lot of effort. I told him that he should probably flesh it out a little, and to do a little checking for run-on sentences. I could see the tears forming, so I recommended that he step away and come back to it. As he went upstairs, he bawled, "I can't do it!" When dinner was over, he did it just fine. But when I try to get an idea of what is making him respond so poorly, he can't give me any ideas. Hopefully, this will pass for him eventually, too.

So, once again we are up, we are down. But the positive reports today were a great upper!

Teaching a Penguin to Fly

Penguins are interesting birds. Nobody argues that they fit in the "bird" category: They have feathers like birds, they have beaks like birds, they lay eggs like birds. They even have wings, just like we expect from birds. However, they cannot fly like birds, despite having what, on first glance, would appear to be all the requisite equipment. Now, we nature lovers do not expect those penguins to fly. No one would dream of telling a penguin they could fly, if only they tried harder. We know they would need constant support from below to even get off the ground, and they certainly couldn't maintain flight! But that's all right with us, because they have other characteristics we praise: they are graceful swimmers, tireless parents, and demonstrate some hilarious antics. They even overcome some terrifying hardships we would not want to face, such as terrible extreme temperatures, biting blizzards, and months-long treks without food. They even still are nice to their young, even on an empty stomach. Could we say the same?

My daughter is a penguin. All the signs point to her being a normal little girl, who should be able to handle what all the other little girls do. Responsibility, being left alone, completing homework, writing reports. And yet these, for her, are like asking a penguin to fly. She has so many other gifts: she is great at math, an ace speller, and a naturally talented gymnast. Best of all, she has a way of finding the best in people from which most of us could learn a thing or two.

By sixth grade, teachers expect students to be handling all of their homework on their own. Her teachers will acknowledge that she is a penguin, will smile and nod understandingly when I discuss her limitations, but in practice they still want her to fly like the other birds. For some of her assignments, this works great. Math, spelling, grammar, and much of her geography homework can be done independently. But writing assignments are, for her, akin to flying. Now, I don't think she should be exempt from these assignments. Learning how to organize ideas, and put them to paper is an important skill. If we had made her exempt over the years from the various subjects which troubled her, the math, spelling, etc. would not be happening at all now. We spent hours working on reading, working on math, etc. in order for her to find her own wings in these subjects. It probably took a lot more "man hours" than for most students, but we got there, and I remind her with pride of how far she has come from those days. We have, however, asked that her work in these tough areas be judged not in relation to the "average" sixth grader, but on their own merit, as examples of the best she can accomplish.

So I recently came to a point of peace and compromise regarding the help I provide with writing assignments. As I see it, I have two choices: I can either let her flail and fail, or give her the support from below that she needs to at least experience the feeling of flying, and maybe pick up a few of the skills along the way. Recently, she had to write a poem with rhythm and rhyme. HA! I asked her to come up with an idea, helped her tweak it, and helped her find a rhyming phrase that fit the poem's theme. On her own, she would never have known what the teacher wanted. Hopefully, next time an assignment like this comes up, she will have a slightly better understanding of the goal, and more of it will come from her.

This week, it's a report on seals. She did great on taking notes for the paper (this is very concrete - you read the book, you write interesting things on cards, and add the page number). Writing the outline was a bit more difficult. When she tried to start on her own, she started piling her 20+ cards into what she thought were separate topics.... and had about 16 piles. This would make for either a very long report, or one with a lot of short paragraphs. I helped her group them by broader topics, put them in order, and turn them into an outline. I then walked her through the process of typing and formatting it on the computer. She did all the computer work, but I spent a lot of time directing her, "click that button.... up to the left... farther left... a little down... no, now a little up... click it once... OK, hit undo, then click it once this time..."...and so on.... Whew! On to the next step.

Writing the rough draft has been interesting (and not a little draining). I decided to have her start with the central paragraphs, then move to the intro and conclusion. She keeps wanting to put random interesting facts in the intro, so I figured it was best to start with the section where she could get those details out of her system, then go to the more general paragraphs. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. I have to lead her into the first words of each sentence and idea. She'll tell me what she wants to say one second, and then completely forget the information a second later. Or sometimes her words her in sentences order in come out may not. I don't want to just hand the sentences to her - I think it sets a bad precedent - but sometimes it seems she just gets stuck, so I do more leading. Other times, the ideas flow easily. So I sat her at the computer, sat nearby, and provided prompts so she could get her rough draft written. Tomorrow I will have her sit down with her printout and edit for spelling, grammar, and any facts she wanted to include but forgot. By Friday, we will have a paper completed. It may not be at the standard for her grade level, but she will have written as much as she is able. More importantly, she will have the experience (with support) of flying just like the others in her class.

Others may have different opinions, but I think this is more help to her than letting her put down random information without understanding it, and more supportive than embarrassing her by sending her to school empty-handed. She is so proud when she brings home an assignment with a good grade, after working so hard on it. (Plus, if she figures out she can get out of one assignment, it won't stop there, and we'll be heading down a slippery slope.) She rides a fine line - she tests of average intelligence and some things come easily to her, but others subjects are terribly difficult. I sometimes think it might be simpler if she was more firmly in the "can't" category. Less would be expected of her, and I would feel more willing to surrender to the inevitable. But right now, she is holding in there, and I want that for her as long as possible.

This may not be the "teacher approved" method, but it seems to work. Each time, she gets a little more independent. Her sentences get a little better vocabulary, a little more interesting structure. And I know that her future career will likely not involve poetry, or writing reports, or even giving long answers about an author's purpose in a story. She will use her other given talents, and shine just as brightly, even if she never flies.

And with each new assignment, she will know a little more what it is like to fly.

We're What????

In case you hadn't guessed from previous posts, our faith is a major part of our lives. Our children have attended church with us since they became our family 5 years ago. We have attended XXXX Lutheran Church, our children have recently started attending XXXX Lutheran School. We have had discussions about how we are Lutheran, which is a type of Christian, and how while our faith may differ from others, we still respect them and their beliefs. They have attended Sunday School, and our daughter has completed the first year of confirmation studies.

So tonight's homework was on Martin Luther and the Reformation. The last question on the sheet asked, "Someone asks you, 'What is a Lutheran?' or 'What is the Lutheran heritage?' How would you answer that person?"

Since this type of question confuses her, I am in the habit of rephrasing in a way I think she will understand. I asked her, "How is what we Lutherans believe different from, say, Baptists or Catholics or Methodists?"

She looked at me, completely stunned, and said, "We're Lutheran??!?"

A Taste of Normal

Our DD has always been an outsider in her peer group. While there were some girls who included her periodically, it was more of a mercy thing, and she was never really part of the group. You know how each of us had "that kid" in our class growing up? The one who was a bit odd, and nobody wanted to play with them? DD has been "that kid." Fortunately, she has been 90% oblivious, but the periodic taunts of "loser" from other children hurt her terribly. I don't blame her. It angered me when she would approach an acquaintance with pleasure and openness, and I would watch the other girls give each other "that look" as they giggled and turned away. A few years ago, DD mentioned to several girls that she was going to invite them to her birthday party, and they said they were busy that day.... and we hadn't even set a date yet!

So now that she has settled into her new school, something has changed. For the first time, a friend called just to chat on the phone, two days in a row. Another conspired with her wanting to set up a play date, which we held this afternoon. It worked out well, because DS gets along well with her younger brother, and we basically did a kid-swap. The girls had a great time, playing in DD's room, doing some embroidery, and playing Webkinz. Her friend even wanted to stay a bit longer. It made my heart so glad to see that! DD told me she described her brain damage to her friends, and they have been helping her make better choices. They apparently told her that her disability didn't matter, it was how God had made her, and what was inside was what counted.

I don't expect my daughter to be Miss Popularity (goodness knows, I wasn't!), but I want her to have the joy of good friendships. I think it's important for her to have supportive, positive friendships, particularly heading into these tough early teen years. Most of all, I don't want her to feel like nobody likes her, and to be the outcast. It's painful, and it can lead in some terrible directions.

So today, I am enjoying a little bit of what normal might feel like. ;-)

Terrifying Halloween Decorations

Friday night, the kids and I saw the scariest Halloween display yet......





That's right, someone in our area had their lights up, and turned on!!! A full week before Halloween!!! (Disclaimer - this is not the house in question, although it's basically the same idea. I didn't have my camera along, and it wouldn't have taken that great a shot anyway)

OK, now I get that some folks in our area put them up early on a nice day - stringing up lights in freezing weather is nobody's idea of a good time. But you don't turn them on yet! You just can't! It's just wrong! Besides, I'm not ready for Christmas!

But, considering we had our first snowfall here today, I suppose it's coming anyway, ready or not!

Homework Success!

Tonight was a wonderful evening. The Pioneers group at church (like scouts, but with a much less intense schedule) was holding a Harvest Ball (i.e. - Halloween party without the official name). I told the kids that they could not attend if their homework was not finished first. Not a problem for DS, but generally a huge challenge for DD. The biggest issue is that while she is given about an hour/day for in class study hall, she goofs off rather than complete her work. We figured she would likely not be "party-eligible" tonight.

Surprise! With the motivation of the party, everything was done by the time I came home. A little review of the math, a little discussion and double checking of the science homework (mitosis vs. meiosis - heck, I get those mixed up, too), and she was done and ready for the party by 6! I pointed out to her how nice it was to have so much free time in the evening, and she said, "Well, I knew I wanted to go to the party." Now I wish we could have a party every day!

When they came home, we even had time to read a chapter in "The Silver Chair"(which I started reading aloud to the kids but haven't been able to do lately). DD says she's going to try to think of her Webkinz Time as a "party" each night, to motivate herself. Who knows if it will last, but it made for a much more pleasant time tonight.

Contrast this with the hissy fit I got last night, complete with "I want to kill myself," and "You don't care about me," screamed at top volume, when she was consequenced for not bringing all of her homework home. I actually managed to stay very calm (yay me!) and after she eventually calmed down, I explained to her that once again, screaming at me did not get her what she wanted and was not a good strategy. They way she gets upset, you'd think we'd proposed chopping off a body part, rather than just take away bedtime snack and Webkinz time.

We're down one day, up the next. Life on a roller coaster!

A Renaissance Man

This morning in the car, DD was talking about the book she had just read, Monday With a Mad Scientist, one of the Magic Tree House books. If you're not familiar with it, the protagonists of this series travel to a variety of places and times to solve mysteries and puzzles. Anyway, she was talking about a character named Leonardo, and based on the title, I made an educated guess. "I'll bet that Leonardo is actually Leonardo da Vinci, a famous painter and inventor." DD replied, "Yeah Mom, you're right!"

To which DS added, "Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci invented the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!"

I know he is famous for being ahead of his time, but I had no idea!

I realized the pictures I posted of our children the other day were not the best expressions, even though they were fitting for the topic. I took them out to a nearby park yesterday after church to get some shots for our Christmas card. To be honest, they can't take a bad picture!

Here are my wonderfully photogenic children

I got several great shots - I won't have any problems finding a good one for the cards!

How Do You Get Your Husband to Wash Windows?

Buy him a cool new toy!



They were selling these little gadgets at the State Fair this year, and DH just had to have one. Today is a perfect day to try them out, and he is happily upstairs washing the windows. Which is great, because I don't want to!



The deal is, the two halves are held together on the inside and the outside of the window by a strong magnet. There are sponges on one side (the left in the pic) and squeegees on the other, so it washes and dries all at once. A little wiping with a chamois, and you're all done. It actually works pretty slick, and they're cleaner than I've ever managed with Windex!

The strings you see are to keep you from accidentally dropping the outside one a couple of stories, which would, of course, be a bad thing. The two halves don't come in the box already connected by the string - you have to do that after you open it. DH would be mad if I told you how I recommended that he attach them, and he poo-poohed the idea, but then connected them anyway. And how less then 5 minutes later, the outside one was dropped and saved by the string. And how I laughed uproariously. (To be fair, he did, too) So I won't tell you that story.

(and now I'll log out of the blog so he can't go in and edit this post ;-)

Leader of the Pack

This week we had a couple of good things to celebrate!

First, our DD turned 12, so we are one more step closer to having our very own teenager in the house. Her favorite gift was the Webkinz (yes, we decided to take the plunge!)

Then, DS had a chance to go to his first Cross Country meet. He loves to run, and was really excited that their new school has a cross country team and a track team.
Well, they ran a mile, and he made it in 6 min 52 sec, winning first place. He was, of course, thrilled, as were we.

Of course, this proves that he didn't come from my gene pool! :-)

Oh, and item #3 to celebrate? It's a long weekend, so no homework for me for 4 days! yay!

(I guess item #4 to celebrate is the fact that I figured out how to put pictures on here!)

Outrageous and Horrifying

The victimized man in this story has FASD, and is adopted.

It is easy to imagine any one of our children caught in this kind of situation. This mom could be any one of us. As the mom said, once they reach 24, you think they should be safe. But they are always vulnerable to mean-heartedness, close-mindedness, and just plain misunderstanding.

Back to Reality

I'm back from my San Diego adventure. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband to hold down the fort while I am away. He did a great job - the homework all got done, the family went camping, and DH even did some laundry;-) All-in-all a successful week!

I traveled to San Diego for business. I was fortunate to be able to have some free-time between commitments, though, and it was nice to relax a bit. I hadn't realized how much I needed the break until I found out worrying during my free time about what time I should be where, even though I had no schedule. I'm just so unused to not having to be someplace or doing something all the time. I stayed in a great hotel on the marina, in a 24th floor room with a balcony and a view of the marina. I know, rough, huh?

One of the days I was able to go out to the zoo for the day. San Diego has a great zoo, and the kids were thrilled that I was able to get pictures of the pandas. I will post some pics here (once I figure out how to do that).

The day after I returned, we left for a regional retreat of families affected by FASD. What a blessing to enjoy the support and understanding of others who are walking the same path! It's also great to see our children being accepted for all their foibles, without having to explain their life stories to everyone we meet.

The first evening, we were treated to an excellent performance by a magician/juggler. It was hilarious! My husband was selected to help with one portion, which made my day... no, my week. I had left my camera in the car, but fortunately, Linda immortalized the occasion for me. I can't wait to share these pictures with family and friends.

We had excellent weather, delicious food (I love not having to cook), and the kids had a blast. Yesterday, it was back to work, homework, and a huge pile of laundry, but I feel ready to take it on again after a lovely break.

Mom is out of town, Dad is a little frustrated!

This is DH and Heather is in sunny CA on business. I just have 1 little question for all of you out there. DD has a story to type that is due tommorrow, me being the organized dad thought, lets get this mostly done last night. She had 2 paragraphs to type, after spending a good 1 1/2 hours on it. She gets home today and I plug in her flashdrive so she can finish up her story and it is gone except for the introduction. I asked her about this and she said she was trying to work on it and did not know what happened, the font was changed and she said that Mitch was helping her. I had told her that she was not to work on this at school, we would finish it tonight. She is busy typing her story again, then we get to do the other homework that is due for tomorrow.
Okay, so maybe I did not have a question, I just needed to vent a little.
Heather comes home on Thursday evening, so 2 more nights of homework. I have an amazing wife, I am not sure how she does this homework thing night after night, but i know it is because of the extreme love she has for DD and her determintation to have DD be the best she can be. Heather, you are truly a blessing to me and to our children, and I know that I could not do this myself.
Thank You all for listening to me, I am not nearly as good of a writer as Heather is, so thank you also for bearing with me.

Playing Grown-Up

Tonight, DH and I get to play grown-up. We are going to an annual dinner hosted by our county for Foster parents. After 5 years, this is the first time we have been able to attend, so we are looking forward to it.

We are especially excited about the speaker, Jodee Kulp, an FASD speaker about whom we have heard great things. I think it's particularly important that the foster parents at this event will have the chance to learn more about FASD, since it affects so many of the kids who come into care.

After the dinner, I will have to pack madly for a week-long trip for business in San Diego. I find I have mixed feelings - I am looking forward to a few grown-up, homework-free days in a beautiful hotel, but I am wary of leaving my family for such a long time. I'm sure everything will be fine, but I still worry.

The day after I get back, we head to the FASD retreat, where I will get to enjoy some relaxation with great folks who are walking down similar paths. There are a few blog friends who will be there, too ;-) This should be fun!

Something is Sinking In

Our DD has a problem with yelling out whatever she can think of when she's mad, especially when she has been thwarted and knows she is in trouble. We know they don't mean anything, it's just whatever comes to her mind at the time. In the past, these have generally been the most hurtful, manipulative things she can think of. It used to be "I hate you," or "You hate me," until she got in trouble for that too many times. Lately, she likes to yell things like "you don't love me," "you wish I weren't your daughter," or "I'm stupid." We have learned not to respond to these things, as we have said, "It's not OK to try to force people to say they love you or compliment you, but when you are not yelling we will happily tell you we love you and that you are smart."

Well, something must be sinking in, as some of her rants have changed recently. My personal favorites (all yelled at the top of her lungs):

When consequenced:
"I know you're just doing this because you care about me, and I don't like that!"

When told that she needed to be realistic about a situation (yeah, yeah, I know, not something she'd "get" anyway, but sometimes those "normal people" phrases just sneak out on me)
"I don't want to be realistic!"

When told to study her work, which she didn't want to do:
"I know I'm not dumb!"

Well, at least we know the messages are sinking in, and these are certainly more pleasant to listen to than venom ;-) Don't get me wrong, we still have the nasties, too, but these are a nice diversion. Take the good news where you can can get it, right?

The Telephone Game

Did you ever play the telephone game back in elementary school? You know, the one where one person comes up with a sentence and whispers it in the next person's ear. They then whisper it to the next person, and so on down the line. The fun is in seeing how the message comes out at the other end, garbled and silly.

Our daughter is a complete telephone game all on her own.

The other day I met with her teacher to discuss the issues DS is having in class, and what we want to tackle next. She told me that another parent had called the principal, concerned because our daughter had said on the playground that if you wore a "Hollister" shirt it meant you wanted to have sex with your parents.

Huh?

Well, at the time I figured it was some rumor that had been going around at her old school which she, with her literal mind, presumed was true. I vowed to discuss it with her when I got home. The next day in the car, I asked her about what she had said and heard, and she insisted that her teacher the previous year had told that to the class.

Double huh? I knew this teacher pretty well, and didn't think it was something she (or any other responsible teacher, for that matter) would have told a class full of impressionable 11-year-olds.

"Well, I didn't really understand it, but it was something about that the company takes pictures of kids having sex and then they tell their parents or something and then they buy it," was DD's explanation. "The kids were talking about Hollister, and I told them my teacher said something really gross and I didn't want to say it. But they really wanted me to and I really didn't want to but they made me."

I think I finally put together what actually happened. Last spring her class did a unit on advertising and persuasive writing. I imagine the idea of sexually charged ads came up, and the teacher may have used Hollister as an example of a company which takes pictures of teens in sexy, age-inappropriate clothing so that teens will beg their parents to buy the clothes. In other words, the usual "sex sells" advertising problem. Since DD didn't really understand that concept in the first place, she stored it as "pictures of kids having sex." Then when the kids "made" her tell (not like that is really all that hard), she popped out the beauty about kids and parents. It probably lost even more in the final translation - who knows how many kids passed that along before it made it's way to the principal and then to my ears.

Great... new school, and this is what the parents think I am teaching my daughter. Just great.

I have now added 3 more rules to DD's litany of "don'ts":

1. If you don't really understand something you heard, then you shouldn't be passing it along.
2. No matter how much they beg, other kids can't "make" you tell something you don't want to or know you shouldn't.
3. If something you are about to say has the word "sex" in it, keep your mouth shut, because it's probably not an appropriate topic for you at age 11 anyway.

Who knows what will come up next. I don't know about the rest of you parenting FASD kids, but I find that because of DD's lack of generalization skills, we have to cover the rules for every possible permutation of circumstances in order to ensure we don't get some kind of undesirable behavior. This is impossible, and we always end up with something we hadn't thought of. Oh well, maybe we'll have hit most of the permutations before she gets to 50.

My Dream Vacation

Now this is living!

Stone Soup by Jan Eliot
http://www.gocomics.com/

The Peace the Lord Brings

I want to thank all of you for your kind words of support and understanding. As Linda said, these things come in waves, and yesterday I was in the lowest trough. I went to bed immediately after finishing prayers with the kids. My husband came to bed later after reading my post, apologized (though he's done nothing wrong) and held me (well, at least until he decided I was too warm to snuggle ;-) I felt emotionally and physically exhausted.

But even in our lowest moments, the Lord shines a light in the darkest corners. At dinner last night, DS, out of the blue, told me, "Thank you, mom, for giving me a good life." I thanked him and reminded him that the Lord gave him life, we just gave him a home, and he said, "But here I get to do things. With my birth dad, it just felt like we were just there." He hinted around at what must have been some tough times in that home. Not that we don't have our tough times, too, (boy, do we!) but we strive to make hope and forgiveness a part of those times, too.

And DD said that she shared her adoption story with her class yesterday (which I had learned from the teacher) as part of the class's discussion of miracles we see today (which I hadn't known).

I know this is huge - that our children recognize that there is a plan for their lives and see the Lord's hand in it. That our son can see that though he grieves the loss of his birth dad, he can also rejoice in the blessing he has in his new home. That our daughter can see her adoption as a miracle rather than a curse. We tell them all the time that the Lord built our family, and had a plan for all of us from before the time of our birth - going back to my childhood (I was in foster care) and my husband's (he was adopted, with suspected FASD) - and from before that, in connections to the past we will never comprehend this side of paradise. Sometimes we get a glimpse of that plan, but I look forward to eternity, when I hope He will reveal the whole, beautiful pattern.

I am still tired, I am still frustrated, but I know the Lord will give me peace, and equip me to take one more step and carry on. Hearing my own frustration echoed in others' voices helped. Though I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it's comforting to know that I am not alone. It also tells me that maybe we should cry out a little more sometimes, rather than smiling and saying everything's "OK," if only so that we let someone else know it's OK to cry, too. I don't know about you, but I find that "saint" label everyone wants to put on me is ill-fitting and uncomfortable. I want it to be OK for me to stumble.

Thank you all for being there to catch me!

I Don't Want To

I am going to admit something that I don't think I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to be the happy mom, patient with her children's limitations, cheerfully enduring the maelstrom, battling tirelessly on their behalf. I'm supposed to be everyone's image of an angelic parent, doing what "they could never do." And I even feel like I can't tell other adoptive parents that I'm not happy here.

I don't want to. I want normal.

I want to send my children to school without tensing at every phone call or e-mail, worried it's from the teacher. I want to get positive reports from the teachers about how hard my child is working. I want to go to sports games and not worry that my child will throw a temper tantrum, or act so "odd" that the other children and parents will wonder. I want my kids to have sleepovers and parties and phone calls from friends. I want to not have to explain my child's life story as a means to explain his/her behavior. I want to spend time in the evening that does not involve homework. I want to not get screamed at. I want to not worry about meds and psychiatrist appointments and therapy. I want to not get e-mails daily about how my child doesn't comply, yells, doesn't complete work. I want to not worry about how I am going to explain my child to all the parents in the class so they can accept her they way they accept the boy with Spina Bifida. I want my friends with non-adopted kids to stop telling me, "all kids do that." I want them to understand. I want to give up.

I want to have a pregnancy, anticipate a birth, feel a kick, argue about a name, hold a newborn. I want to look at a tiny face knowing I have given him/her the best start possible. I want to tell icky birth/labor stories. I want to know what a normal attachment feels like. I want to change diapers, encourage first steps, struggle through potty training, get driven nuts by Elmo, and cry over the first day of Kindergarten. I want normal and I will never have it.

When I envisioned parenthood, this is not what I pictured. This is not what I dreamed of. I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to feel blessed. I am supposed to feel attached. I am not that person, I am not those things, and I am tired of pretending that I am. I am frustrated, and exhausted, and I want to run away. I want it to be OK for me to admit that.

I am trying to lay this at the Lord's feet. I am trying to trust that He called me to this life for a reason. I am trying to accept and be happy and feel blessed. I am trying to let go. I am not doing a good job.

In a day or two I will feel ready for this burden again. I will soldier on in the life to which I have been called. I will accept, and mourn again the loss of my dreams.

But today, I don't want to.

The Scare of My Life

Our kids are members of the Pioneers group at our church (similar to scouts, but with a much less intense commitment). This morning was a nature walk/trash pickup at a nearby state park, followed by a picnic. While it was rather drizzly, it was a nice morning for it because it was cool and uncrowded.

The group of about a dozen or so youngsters and 1/2 dozen adults had a great walk, and pretty much had the trail to ourselves. We straggled out along the route, with kids dashing ahead or lagging behind to examine nature's treasures, but always together.

We stopped for an extended period at one point while the kids played in the woods and picked up trash, then headed to the visitor center in smaller clusters. When we got there, I saw DS, but DD was not in sight. First I checked the bathroom, then the woods where some kids were playing, then had someone check the visitor center up the hill. No DD. I started back down the path from which we had come, calling her name, figuring she'd been distracted just out of sight. No DD. I headed farther down the path, joined by another mom, and asked some bikers passing us to keep an eye out for her. My screams became louder and louder, more urgent.

As we approached the bridge to the island where we had hiked, I heard a voice in the woods and thought it was her. Hurrying to catch up, calling to her to head back to the path where I would be able to see her, I met two joggers who said they had seen her and tried to get her to turn around, but she ran onto the island away from them. Uh oh.

We crossed to the island, where there were 4 possible routes (although they all rejoin at various points). The joggers each took one, and recommended that I stay at the bridge in case she came that way. I screamed her name the whole time, thinking perhaps she was hiding to avoid getting in trouble. After about 10 minutes had passed, the other mom with me decided to take one of the paths unexplored by the joggers, and shortly afterwards a ranger showed up and drove around the other direction, again instructing me to stay put, since the bridge was the only route off the island.

Finally, after 15-20 minutes, the other mom came back down the path with DD, who was crying and saying she'd never do that again. She was obviously terrified, so I held her and told her how worried I was, and how grateful I was that she was safe. She says that she was distracted by a slug, and didn't notice that we had gone on, then went looking for me around the island, and didn't hear me calling. Not sure if this is true, or whether she heard me calling and ran to avoid getting into trouble, and bit off more than she could chew. Either way, I think the terror of the incident will remain with her for some time, and perhaps temper her urge to run off, not to mention serving as sufficient natural consequences for the incident. When they went to camp, we discussed how the best thing to do when you're lost is to stay put until someone comes to find you, but I didn't think to re-mention that for a 45-min group hike.

I am so relieved that she is OK. I know it probably sounds terrible, but I have found it much more difficult to bond with her, and to feel that "maternal" feeling I should. I care about her greatly, and work without hesitance to make sure she has everything she needs, but it was hard to see a special attachment between us. Perhaps its because my bond with DS is more open, or because there is so much struggle it's hard to have the fun, or because her attachment seems so loose. I always felt like she could be dropped into another family tomorrow, and within a week I would be forgotten and that person would be Mom. Being that scared for her made me feel like the bond is stronger than I realize, and I think she realized how much she needs mom, too.

DS was very worried, too, and commented to another mom, "I didn't even think I liked my sister that much, and now I'm scared she's lost." What a great realization for a 10-yr-old! I told him this bears out one of my favorite bible verses, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God." (Rom. 8:28) I said, "You still don't have to like her all the time, but it's something very good to remember."

Now I'm exhausted. All that adrenaline rush can wear you out!

A Cure for Verbal Diarrhea?

This morning I had a meeting with DD's teachers about how to handle her less savory behaviors. I gave them a brief primer on FASD, a brief history of her past, and some descriptions of her strengths and weaknesses. I couldn't cover it all, but I did what I could in an hour.

This is a school which doesn't often see children with disabilities. They've had ADHD kids, but have mostly "encouraged" parents of kids with other issues to look elsewhere (I know, we're gluttons for punishment to buck the system, but the public alternative scares us). We had heard negative stories of the reactions other parents had received when their kids didn't behave as expected, so we have been very nervous about the reception we would get.

Surprisingly, everyone was really positive and interested in what we have to say. I think part of it is that no one wants to be the one to reject the abused kid with a birth defect, but I also do my best to make it obvious that I will be there no matter what, and I support them completely and will do whatever I can to help.

I gave them what suggestions I have for what has worked in the past and what hasn't. I am a bit handicapped in this, because I can't see how she behaves during a school day without her behavior changing, and I've learned to read her moods well enough that I pick up on things others may not. I'm sure that's true of most parents, especially those of us who spend our time constantly alert for the next disaster.

The problem they find most disruptive at this point is her constant "running off at the mouth." Any time there is something she doesn't like, she pops out, "I don't have to listen to you," "This is stupid," "I'm not going to do it," and the perennial favorite, "You're wrong!" It's almost Tourette's-like in it's lack of control, and apparently the other kids are shocked that a student would talk that way to a teacher.

This is one issue for which I have never found a solution. Do any of you have tricks you've found that worked? To a certain extent, we have learned not to respond, and to use more non-verbal cues because she doesn't argue with them as much. We are going to try a tracking system, both for times when she is doing what she should, and for when she isn't. We're going to try to catch her being good and praise it. I'm also going to see if we can increase her Adderall, because I believe she has outgrown her dose, and now has the attention span of a gnat heading through a windshield.

I would appreciate any suggestions you may have. She has come so far, and I hate that she is again the "weird kid" in her class. Fortunately, she is 90% oblivious to that, but still, she needs friends to get her safely through the next few years.

Generosity At It's Best

This afternoon, DS had a soccer game scheduled at the same time as DD's volleyball game. Since the games were in two separate locations, several miles apart, I wasn't sure how I was going to be in two places at once. On Friday, DS has another soccer game.

This morning on the way to school, I was discussing this issue with the kids. DS volunteered, "Mom, you should go to DD's game." This was very thoughtful of him, since I know how much it means to him to have us see his games, but he knew we had just missed her first game two days earlier because of traffic. I thanked him for being so generous and understanding.

Not to be outdone, DD immediately piped up with, "And Mom, you should go to DS's game on Friday." I had to gently remind her that while it was a generous offer, it was a moot point because it was the only game on that day. She responded with a cheerful, "I know, Mom." Sigh... sometimes it seems like the neurons don't quite make it all the way down the path.

Well, She Did Her Homework In Class...

But did DD select the math, English, social studies, or reading homework due tomorrow. No, she chose the art project which isn't due until next Thursday. Sigh. So we had a discussion about what makes more sense, and tomorrow she will start with math. Well, at least she did quality work on her art project (not necessarily a given), and we won't have to worry about it over the weekend.

Tomorrow there are no games or practices, so I am looking forward to having the whole evening at home with the kids. Tonight was a long evening. DD's volleyball game was at a school over an hour away, so I picked up DS at school after work and rushed out there. Or tried to. Traffic was horrid because of construction, and I arrived at the school just as kids started leaving the building at the end of the game. Oh well. Fortunately, Thursday's games are much closer to home.

DS told me that today they had to journal about how school is going so far. I asked him what he wrote, and he couldn't remember. (This is the kid who can remember that 5 years ago there was a car behind us playing it's music too loud, or that a month ago we mentioned ice cream, but can't remember what he wrote 3 hours previous. Go figure). I asked him what he said in general: good, bad, boring, fun, etc. Well, he said had added something that was the worst part of the week, which he remembered. Bracing myself, I dared to ask what it was...... The worst part of his week was that there wasn't enough homework. Apparently the teacher has promised more for the future, so he should be happy. Otherwise I'm sure his sister would be willing to share.

Can She BE Any Slower????

OK, I'm sure this is true for a lot of kids (birth or adopted), but I swear my two cover the entire personality spectrum all by themselves. DD is the eternal optimist, living in a land of pink ponies and sunshine. DS is the consummate pessimist, Murphy's Law is his mantra. DD is a light, on the surface kind of thinker, DS is the deeper thinker. DD gets to know anyone and everyone, DS is cautious (and doesn't have any friends, if you ask him on a bad day). But above all, while DS is Speedy Gonzales about everything (running, talking, eating, getting dressed, working), DD is slow. I mean really slow. Tooth-gratingly, aggravatingly, glacially slow. About the only thing she does quickly is get mad.

Each year, this becomes more of an issue, as the homework load increases. I know there are different theories on how to handle education issues with FASD, but personally, I am determined to keep her with her peers academically as much as I can, for as long as I can. I know I will lose this battle eventually, but it won't be without a fight. Unfortunately, this means hours spent on homework each night. Part of this is because she needs extra help and guidance - I'm perfectly fine with that, and that's not what bugs me. Most of the problem is that she can take a 5 minute task and turn it into an hour-long one. She gets her book out so slowly. She gets her paper set up so slowly. She writes so slowly. If this was all she was capable of, I'd be fine. But she can go faster, she just doesn't. I know there are lots of reasons for this. I get that. That doesn't mean it can't drive me nuts!

At the orientation meeting at school, the teacher made a point of telling me that if she had more than an hour of homework per night, to let her know and they would lighten the load. I have mixed feelings about this. First, I know that 1 hr for the average student is 2 hrs for my DD. In only an hour, we'd barely get the name on the paper. Second, once we start cutting back, it can be a slippery slope. In which subject do we allow her to fall behind? Also, if she realizes she can get a lighter homework load, she will take advantage of it, and then where will be be. Third, I know she does not use her in-class time wisely, and a lot of this could be done before she gets home. On the other hand, I would like to have a life beyond homework. While all this is certainly improving my math and science skills (not exactly a weak spot - my degree is in Chemistry), I do not want to relive all these grades a second time. I also am tired of having DD look at me like I'm insane when I tell her things like the fact that the name of the continent is spelled "Asia," not "Aisa." 'Cause of course I wouldn't have a clue how to spell that at 38 yrs. old.

Right now she is on the Volleyball team, and we have told her that she needs to shape up quickly, or there will be no more Volleyball, and no other teams in the near future. They're a great opportunity for her, but I need a life, and her cooperation. Fortunately, this sport is only a 3 1/2 week commitment, so it will soon be over, but there are others right behind it.

So, after 3 1/2 hrs, homework still wasn't complete. Math had yet to be completed, and there was a worksheet and a reading assignment she left at school. I sent her to bed so she'd get a decent night's sleep, and tomorrow morning I will cross my fingers and hope she gets the math done at morning daycare (2 hours - she should have plenty of time). And we've only had 5 days of school. Well, I didn't want to have a life anyway.

And Here Goes Another Week

Well, tomorrow we start back for our first full week of school. The kids have held it together fairly well. Only one major meltdown for DD at school (sad, isn't it, that we see this as an accomplishment). I wonder what it's like to send your kids to school and not worry whether they will make it to the end of the day? DS told me on Friday that he can't wait for Monday so he can go back to school, so that is an excellent sign. Both kids are excited about new friends and their sports participation. Let's see how long the honeymoon lasts!

But, today was rough. DS had a major meltdown - the first one since we started his meds. It was over the fact that he couldn't spell Louisiana properly, and had to learn the state abbreviations (something I know he can master in 5 min.), and I know he made a conscious choice to escalate. He started out pretty mild, but when I asked him to go sit on the stairs for a few minutes until he could get back on track, he blew up, ending with doors slamming, hitting his head hard on the wall, kicking, yelling, etc. It just exhausts me! Finally got him calmed down, and then had another meltdown 20 min. later. Sigh.

Fortunately, I had a reprieve - I went to a play nearby with a couple of friends, called "Church Basement Ladies." If you were raised Lutheran (as I was), this is a hilarious snapshot of the traditions and quirks from those childhood church fellowship events. Some serious belly laughs, and not to mention nice to come home after the kids were in bed. I brought DH a Blizzard as a thank you for letting me go.

So now I am preparing for the new week. The kids' new schedules, with sports added in, are insane, and it feels like I'm learning a new language. But, I think it's important, so I will run around like crazed chicken for the next few weeks as I learn the ropes.

The Things We Do For Love

We are now three days into the new school year, and I am exhausted. OK, it's my own fault, but it's because of my drive to get "one more thing" done in the day.

Our kids are starting this year at a new school, a Christian school associated with our church. We waited a couple of years before enrolling them, hoping we would be past the worst of the behaviors first. With all the progress we made last year, we have been optimistic that this will be a good year.

DS was very nervous about switching schools, but once we got him regulated, he became more optimistic, and is cautiously starting to adjust to his new class. He's making friends, and I think he will especially enjoy the sports program. He has already started practicing with the soccer team.

DD was very excited about her new class and teacher. We had an excellent meeting with her homeroom teacher before school started, and tried to cover what we could about what to expect and effective strategies to help her over the humps. Well, we waited for phone calls the first few days, and none came. We did get a couple of e-mails though. The teacher reported that DD was "slow with transitions," and had been resistant when she had tried to get DD to turn around in class with a touch on the shoulder. To her, these seemed like rough spots. To us, we were thrilled because these same interactions a couple of years ago would have resulted in a complete meltdown. Progress is always in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Today didn't go so well. DD is convinced she cannot do well in Science, and so she tried to get out of class by using the "I need to go to the bathroom" ploy, then she became furious when the teacher told her, "No." Shouted that she hated science, and hated the teacher, etc. Sigh. She tried the same thing during English time. I've seen this trick before, and we have once again had the "get in, do your thing, get out," and the "go when you have the chance, instead of waiting," talks. Hopefully tomorrow will be an improvement. One day at a time, after all. I still think that this will be a better alternative for her than the public Jr. High, where she would be a target for any user who came along.

So, things have been interesting, as we get started on the new year. Our school has two locations in two different school districts (we live in a third, adjacent district), and our bussing arrangements mean being picked up from morning care by District A and dropped off near home in the PM by District B. Only, both districts messed up the schedule, and they had no bus for Dist. A the first day (and so were picked up by the school secretary), and still aren't on the list for Dist. B. The school year schedule includes "closed" dates for both districts, so we have some days where A won't have buses, some where B won't have buses, and some release days where we will use our old day care in our district C. It will be interesting to juggle all this. I was up till 1AM putting dates in my PDA calendar for school, sports, busses, and Pioneers (like scouts, only less intense)

Oh, and after several rounds of telling us she wasn't interested, DD decided today to join the Volleyball team, and went to practice this afternoon without letting us know first. Fortunately, she was easy to find, but that could have been a scare. We have told her that membership in the team will be contingent on staying caught up in class. More dates to add to the calendar! I think it will be a good way for her to get to know more of the girls, though.

Oh, and remember our former foster kids? We had told the oldest two (16 & 17) to let us know if they didn't have school supplies, and we would do what we can. Yesterday evening they let us know that they didn't have anything, so I pulled up school lists, labeled paper bags for the 4 school-agers (no lists for the high-schoolers), and started sorting out supplies. Amazingly enough, I had most of the stuff in my "stash" I had bought for extras and donation. DH was laughing and shaking his head at me as I pulled stuff out of bags and drawers. His comment - "you never do anything halfway, do you?" Well, no, I guess not. I stopped by Target and filled in the blanks as best I could (there's a good reason I get our stuff early - not much was left! I couldn't believe the number of people who were just starting the second day of school), then delivered the stuff. I felt like Santa! I'm so blessed that the Lord gave me this opportunity to do something for them. I even gave the 14-yr-old a brief hug, and he seemed thrilled with the supplies. No sign of their dad, but probably better, since he doesn't know we were their foster parents, and we want our home to remain a safe place should the need arise in the future.

Well, tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully DD will learn from her mistakes today and not have any problems tomorrow. Hah! And maybe I'll win the lottery, too!