CSI: Midwest

Ever think about just how much detective work we need to do to figure out our kids and what they're really doing? Those of you with FASD teenagers are at the PhD level in this arena, but I was thinking today about how we get to the real story, instead of the ones our kids want to tell us.

1) The obvious evidence: For some reason, some kids must think we are half blind and deaf. I mean, do they really believe that we won't notice the smear of chocolate on their face that tells of the stolen treat? Or the big hole in the sock that tells of a little too much fun with the scissors? (a favorite of DD's a couple years ago) Or that, hmmm...., there was no mess on the floor, you walked in and out of the room, and now there is (insert favorite gross/sticky/slimy/hard to pick up item here) all over the floor - that's a tough one. You expect this at 4, but by 12, they should have this down, right? Not that I'm complaining.

2) The over-insistence of innocence: Why is it that some children believe that repeating, over and over, "I'm not lying," will convince us of their veracity? My DD likes to punctuate this with a good foot-stomping, as in, "I'm (stomp). Not (stomp). Lying (STOMP)!" Well, now that you're rhythmic about it, of course I believe you!

3) The long stare: This doesn't work with everyone, but it does for me with DS. I don't even necessarily have to know exactly what he did, just the general sense of guilt, and I can stare it out of him. This technique worked surprisingly well on 11th grade basketball players back when I was teaching.

4) Presumed guilty until proven innocent: With DD, I have learned not to ask, "Did you do this?" or "Where did this come from?" or the ever popular, "Why?" It just invites her to lie. In my calmer moments, I have better success with, "To whom should this be returned?" (and yes, I'm a grammar nut and actually use whom, thanks to my Grandma) It takes out the guess work, and minimizes the fun little fits and whines (and rhythmic stomping). And I'm never going to understand why anyway. For instance, why would she feel the need to take an empty Tic Tac container off the playground, put it in her mouth for a while, then keep it in her backpack? I will never know, and my life will just be more peaceful if I learn to accept that now.

5) K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid (me, not her)): I try (and frequently fail) to remember not to ask complicated questions. DD will get lost in the details and suck me into the vortex along with her. I try to stick with "yes," "no," and "how many" questions. "What happened on the bus yesterday?" will get me a long-winded, and often off-topic narrative. "Did you hit someone?" "Who did you hit?" "What happened right before you hit them?" etc. takes longer, but gets more to the point (though I still may have to ask a few times before getting an answer)

6) Be careful with specifics: I have found that sometimes details in my questions can trip me up. For instance, recently I asked DD, "What happened in Gym today?" "Nothing" "The teacher told me you got mad at XXX?" "That wasn't today, that was yesterday." "Why did you hit her?" "I didn't hit her." "Well, the teacher said something happened." "I didn't hit her, I pushed her." Sigh....

7) The all-knowing Oz: Sometimes, it's good to just pretend you know exactly what you're doing, even when you don't. For instance, last night I went upstairs to put something away, and heard faint footsteps. I wasn't sure if they were coming from DH downstairs, or one of the rooms upstairs, and even then I couldn't tell which room. Out of curiosity, I opened DD's door. She immediately called out, "I'm sorry, Mom." I gave her the reminder that she's supposed to be in bed, and she'll never know that I only caught her by accident.

8) Wait for the prayer: Each night, our bedtime routine includes prayers. For part of this, we ask them to ask for forgiveness for something they've done that day (i.e. - hitting my sibling), then ask God to help them do better in the future. For some reason, DD (and sometimes DS) hasn't figured out that we are there listening when she prays. I mean, she knows we're there, since we're kneeling by the bed, but she doesn't seem to realize we actually hear her. So the other night, when we returned from Thanksgiving, I discovered the doll brush in her things (even though she no-so-subtly tried to palm it out of sight), and knew it wasn't hers (I have developed a fairly accurate memory of most of her belongings, just so I can ID the ones that aren't hers). Upon questioning, she told me first that she didn't know where it came from, then that she found it, then that she found it outside Grandma's house in the driveway. Now, I can see no reason that an ownerless doll brush should appear suddenly (nice and clean, by the way) in front of a middle-of-nowhere-and-no-kids-nearby house. I couldn't get her to admit where it had really come from, but did get a nice, oh-so-convincing foot-stomping performance out of the deal. Shortly afterwards, in her prayers, she asked, "Please forgive me for stealing M__'s doll brush. Please help me not to steal." And here I thought you didn't know to whom it belonged, dear?

8) Get your story straight: Another "Don't you get it?" moment comes when dealing with incidents at school. Despite numerous reminders, DD seems to forget that I am constantly available to her teachers, as they are to me, via e-mail and phone. Depending on the current level of surveillance, she can't sneeze without my knowing it. So why does she think hiding something at school won't get back to me? Recently it was "incomplete assignment" sheets. The teacher would give it to her, DD would put it back on the teacher's desk or hide it, the teacher would give it back, repeat ad nauseum. These things have to be signed by a parent, so how did she think this was going to slip by me?

So how about you? Have any favorite tricks for sussing out the truth from the lies? I know I've forgotten some, and we can all use some new tricks in our parenting kit ;-)