While at camp, DS got a tick bite at his hairline on the back of his neck. He pulled the ticks off accidentally, but I took a look at the bites and they looked like they were healing fine. I told him to let me know if they started bothering him in any way in the future, and tonight he complained they were really itching him.
So, being the good mom I am, I started digging in his hair. When I found the bite spot, I jokingly told him, "Well, it looks pretty bad - I think we're going to have to chop off your head!"
To which DD worriedly replied, in complete and utter seriousness, "But Mom, if you chop his head off, he'll be dead!"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
FASD Goes to Camp
Hi there - back from my little hiatus. It's not that I didn't have anything to talk about while the kids were at camp, but we just spent the week vegging out. I didn't accomplish anything on my list (except item #1 - I will not do laundry while the kids are gone!)
On Friday night we made the 4 hour drive to the camp, where we had left our pop-up camper, and camped for the night. We arrived at about 9:30, and figured by then the kids would be getting ready for bed. No, about 11:30 we heard cheers and laughter coming from the main camp grounds, telling us the kids were only just then leaving the final campfire and heading back to their cabins. Apparently, our kids went to bed after we did!
Saturday morning was the Parents' Program. We went into the dining hall, where the kids were sitting, prepared to sing their camp songs for us. DD was easy to spot - she was the only child facing the wrong direction, sitting with a group of (uninterested) boys instead of her cabin. Throughout the program - singing, pastor's mini-homily, video presentation, she was like a fish swimming upstream. While the other kids prayed, she picked at a scab on her arm. While the other kids faced Pastor and listened to him, she was facing away and trying to flirt with several boys who were trying to ignore her (and laughing at her, not in a good way). While the other kids watched the video of the week's activities, DD was signing to a junior counselor (who didn't even know her name, and had only met her that morning), that she loved him. I spent the program watching her and clenching my teeth and fists, wanting to shake her and make her aware of how she looked. I know this isn't the appropriate response, but I really wish I could make her understand. I hate it when I see other kids laughing at her behind her back.
We talked to her counselor about how the week went. At drop-off, I had given her the 3-minute primer on FASD, but drove away thinking of 10 other things I should have told her. She reported that DD had had a few rough spots, and one major meltdown, but had eventually calmed down. The counselor was too nice to say it, but I know DD got into one of her hateful moods, shouting anything and everything she can think of, whether it made sense or not. The counselor also said that she was a sweet girl the rest of the time, and that she was glad that there was someone in DD's life to help her through the tough stuff, since they see other kids with issues who don't have that.
I asked DD to tell me what had happened, but didn't tell her what I already knew (I've found that I learn all sorts of things I wouldn't otherwise using this method). Apparently DD got mad at her cousin (we'll call her "Rebecca") when Rebecca didn't want to play a game with her. More detail came out that the game involved tossing stuffed animals back and forth, and that when Rebecca didn't want to play anymore, and asked DD 5 times to please stop, DD kept going. Finally, Rebecca got mad at DD and yelled at her to stop. In DD's version, DD was mad at Rebecca because "I wanted to do something fun and there wasn't anything else fun to do so she should have played with me." Once again, a discussion about how "stop" means stop the first time, not after several repetitions. At this point, I started lightly slapping DD's knee over and over. After a few time, she started saying "please stop" repeatedly, but I kept going until she's had to say it 5 times. I asked her how it felt when I ignored her wishes over and over (she didn't like it). Her argument was then, "but the game was fun for me, so Rebecca should have kept playing." I started annoying her, and when she asked me to stop, I said, "But it's fun for me." She was laughing at this point, and I think (hope) there was at least a little understanding. I keep hoping that concrete demonstrations (crude as they may be) will stick better than abstract ones.
Then I asked her about her blowout with her counselor. First, DD said the counselor told her she had to get up in the morning and she didn't want to (I asked her when she had ever gotten away with that one). At another time, they were all supposed to play an evening game and DD didn't want to (this is the only story I already knew - the other two were just a bonus). Some rigmarole about it hurting her ankles but I've learned in the past that she just doesn't want to try new games, and will often refuse. The counselor told her she had to play with everyone else, and DD lost it. Her favorite lines run along the vein of, "You don't like/love me, " "You don't want me around, " "You wish I weren't here/your daughter," etc. I truly hate it when she does this - it is so manipulative, and I tell her I will not express love when she tries to force me, only when it comes from my heart. So we had another discussion of how hurtful this is, and how she is not in charge and does not get to make all the decisions.
What gets me is that in all of these arguments, she is completely oblivious to why she was in the wrong. She feels completely justified for yelling when her cousin doesn't like the game that she thinks it is fun, or the counselor gives an instruction she doesn't like. She can't see how these things look like from the outside, how nonsensical her arguments are. Fortunately, we had prepped her counselor and her cousin to understand some of her disability, but to the rest of the world, she just looks odd. I want to protect her from that, push her in the right direction, but teaching social interaction is hard!
Even with the issues (I'll cover DS in another post), I'm glad we send them to camp. We can't shelter them forever, and these memories are precious. Plus, DH & I look forward to camp week in a big way. Does anyone know if I can count these as respite hours in MN? I know it won't qualify for the camp subsidy, since it's a religious camp, but this truly is a respite for us in so many ways!
On Friday night we made the 4 hour drive to the camp, where we had left our pop-up camper, and camped for the night. We arrived at about 9:30, and figured by then the kids would be getting ready for bed. No, about 11:30 we heard cheers and laughter coming from the main camp grounds, telling us the kids were only just then leaving the final campfire and heading back to their cabins. Apparently, our kids went to bed after we did!
Saturday morning was the Parents' Program. We went into the dining hall, where the kids were sitting, prepared to sing their camp songs for us. DD was easy to spot - she was the only child facing the wrong direction, sitting with a group of (uninterested) boys instead of her cabin. Throughout the program - singing, pastor's mini-homily, video presentation, she was like a fish swimming upstream. While the other kids prayed, she picked at a scab on her arm. While the other kids faced Pastor and listened to him, she was facing away and trying to flirt with several boys who were trying to ignore her (and laughing at her, not in a good way). While the other kids watched the video of the week's activities, DD was signing to a junior counselor (who didn't even know her name, and had only met her that morning), that she loved him. I spent the program watching her and clenching my teeth and fists, wanting to shake her and make her aware of how she looked. I know this isn't the appropriate response, but I really wish I could make her understand. I hate it when I see other kids laughing at her behind her back.
We talked to her counselor about how the week went. At drop-off, I had given her the 3-minute primer on FASD, but drove away thinking of 10 other things I should have told her. She reported that DD had had a few rough spots, and one major meltdown, but had eventually calmed down. The counselor was too nice to say it, but I know DD got into one of her hateful moods, shouting anything and everything she can think of, whether it made sense or not. The counselor also said that she was a sweet girl the rest of the time, and that she was glad that there was someone in DD's life to help her through the tough stuff, since they see other kids with issues who don't have that.
I asked DD to tell me what had happened, but didn't tell her what I already knew (I've found that I learn all sorts of things I wouldn't otherwise using this method). Apparently DD got mad at her cousin (we'll call her "Rebecca") when Rebecca didn't want to play a game with her. More detail came out that the game involved tossing stuffed animals back and forth, and that when Rebecca didn't want to play anymore, and asked DD 5 times to please stop, DD kept going. Finally, Rebecca got mad at DD and yelled at her to stop. In DD's version, DD was mad at Rebecca because "I wanted to do something fun and there wasn't anything else fun to do so she should have played with me." Once again, a discussion about how "stop" means stop the first time, not after several repetitions. At this point, I started lightly slapping DD's knee over and over. After a few time, she started saying "please stop" repeatedly, but I kept going until she's had to say it 5 times. I asked her how it felt when I ignored her wishes over and over (she didn't like it). Her argument was then, "but the game was fun for me, so Rebecca should have kept playing." I started annoying her, and when she asked me to stop, I said, "But it's fun for me." She was laughing at this point, and I think (hope) there was at least a little understanding. I keep hoping that concrete demonstrations (crude as they may be) will stick better than abstract ones.
Then I asked her about her blowout with her counselor. First, DD said the counselor told her she had to get up in the morning and she didn't want to (I asked her when she had ever gotten away with that one). At another time, they were all supposed to play an evening game and DD didn't want to (this is the only story I already knew - the other two were just a bonus). Some rigmarole about it hurting her ankles but I've learned in the past that she just doesn't want to try new games, and will often refuse. The counselor told her she had to play with everyone else, and DD lost it. Her favorite lines run along the vein of, "You don't like/love me, " "You don't want me around, " "You wish I weren't here/your daughter," etc. I truly hate it when she does this - it is so manipulative, and I tell her I will not express love when she tries to force me, only when it comes from my heart. So we had another discussion of how hurtful this is, and how she is not in charge and does not get to make all the decisions.
What gets me is that in all of these arguments, she is completely oblivious to why she was in the wrong. She feels completely justified for yelling when her cousin doesn't like the game that she thinks it is fun, or the counselor gives an instruction she doesn't like. She can't see how these things look like from the outside, how nonsensical her arguments are. Fortunately, we had prepped her counselor and her cousin to understand some of her disability, but to the rest of the world, she just looks odd. I want to protect her from that, push her in the right direction, but teaching social interaction is hard!
Even with the issues (I'll cover DS in another post), I'm glad we send them to camp. We can't shelter them forever, and these memories are precious. Plus, DH & I look forward to camp week in a big way. Does anyone know if I can count these as respite hours in MN? I know it won't qualify for the camp subsidy, since it's a religious camp, but this truly is a respite for us in so many ways!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
New Olympic Event: Synchronized Sleepwalking
On Saturday afternoon, we drove to the next state, with our camper in tow, to deliver our children to summer camp (a 4 hour drive away). We have a pop-up camper, which is cozy, but works well for our family of 4.
The kids sleep at one end of the camper, while DH and I sleep at the other. I find I am often waking in the middle of the night, mentally checking on the family (do you other moms do this?). I was awake at one point trying to make sense of the covers my darling husband had stolen, when DD yelled out, "No! Don't! Outside!" I murmured to DH, "I guess she doesn't want to go outside, huh?" As she tossed restlessly, I hushed her and told her she was safe.
Then DS started yelling out gibberish in response to that exchange (never did figure out what he said). As I hushed him, DD climbed out of bed, eyes wide open, and started stumbling around. I asked where she was going, and she said, "Outside." I told her no, she could just go back to bed, which she did.
DS then started stumbling out of bed, eyes wide open. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "I can't find the lamp." I told him I'd take care of it, and he could go back to sleep.
Neither had any memory of the event the next morning, even though they had appeared wide awake at the time. It's a good thing they don't share a room - they'd be chatting through their dreams all night!
The kids sleep at one end of the camper, while DH and I sleep at the other. I find I am often waking in the middle of the night, mentally checking on the family (do you other moms do this?). I was awake at one point trying to make sense of the covers my darling husband had stolen, when DD yelled out, "No! Don't! Outside!" I murmured to DH, "I guess she doesn't want to go outside, huh?" As she tossed restlessly, I hushed her and told her she was safe.
Then DS started yelling out gibberish in response to that exchange (never did figure out what he said). As I hushed him, DD climbed out of bed, eyes wide open, and started stumbling around. I asked where she was going, and she said, "Outside." I told her no, she could just go back to bed, which she did.
DS then started stumbling out of bed, eyes wide open. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "I can't find the lamp." I told him I'd take care of it, and he could go back to sleep.
Neither had any memory of the event the next morning, even though they had appeared wide awake at the time. It's a good thing they don't share a room - they'd be chatting through their dreams all night!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Success!
Today when I picked up the kids from day camp, one of the counselors stopped me and said that DS had done a great job that day. He was in the gym and had gotten angry about something (he's an aggressive player, so often this is where his worst blow-ups occur). The counselor said DS had walked away, calmed himself, and come back in a better mood. When I asked DS what he had done, he said he had followed his steps. YAY! It's so nice to see it sticking even when we aren't there to monitor directly.
Tonight we will pack and get ready to take the kids to a week of church camp. They are excited to have fun and spend time with their cousins (who are going to the same session). We are excited for our quiet week.
Tonight we will pack and get ready to take the kids to a week of church camp. They are excited to have fun and spend time with their cousins (who are going to the same session). We are excited for our quiet week.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Needed: Friends
In response to my post the other day about DD's readiness for independence, Janine asked about the possibility of her spending afternoons with a friend. It's a possibility I'd thought of before, but that brought up a question I've been wondering about. How are your kids at making friends?
DD is very social and outgoing. As I mentioned before, everyone is her "friend." She can meet someone for 5 minutes and announce that they are her best friend. Knowing their name is optional. But we have come to realize that she has no "true" friends. Sure, she has kids at school and daycare with whom she plays, and the teachers at school have cultivated a few girls who are more understanding and willing to include her. But she isn't invited to birthday parties, sleepovers, and the like. Our phone isn't ringing (and at 11, we expect that to start soon). One girl gave her a fake phone number (it had 14 digits, and DD didn't notice). She had given her number to a couple of other girls, and asked them to call; they left teasing messages on our answering machine. A couple of years ago she mentioned her upcoming birthday party to a couple of girls, and they immediately said they weren't available, even though the date had yet to be set.
We realize that DD's behaviors have pegged her as the outsider in her class. For the most part, she is somewhat blissfully oblivious, but she's starting to catch on. Her disability isn't obvious enough that other kids give her extra consideration, but are noticeable enough to garner teasing remarks. We also know that strong friendships with reliable friends will help her get safely through the rough teenage years to come. And if she doesn't find good ones, the bad influences will find her all to easily. She is too naive and trusting to know when someone is using her.
Slowly I am trying to teach her some of the subtleties of social interaction so she won't make others so uncomfortable - don't just run up and hug someone (ask first), don't stand too close, don't push yourself into someone's conversation or activity, try to stay on the topic of conversation, etc. It's so hard to teach because we all do it so automatically - it's hard to describe the subtle facial expressions we interpret constantly that help us know what is OK and not OK. I fear that others observing us probably think I'm mean for correcting her social behavior, but I need to catch her in the moment so she make the connection.
Next year our children will be switching to a new, smaller, school through our church. We know many of the parents here already, and expect to have a better opportunity to form closer relationships with other families. We have contemplated whether it would be a good idea to share a little information about FASD with the other parents, so they can counsel their children if they come home with stories about DD's behavior. We aren't sure whether this will help with understanding, or create new issues.
I can't make friends for her, and I can't make the other kids "play nice." I don't know how to protect her from the cruel world, and I don't know how to teach her to act "normal." It's good to celebrate her individuality, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the world in which she must survive, and friends are such an essential part of that survival.
DD is very social and outgoing. As I mentioned before, everyone is her "friend." She can meet someone for 5 minutes and announce that they are her best friend. Knowing their name is optional. But we have come to realize that she has no "true" friends. Sure, she has kids at school and daycare with whom she plays, and the teachers at school have cultivated a few girls who are more understanding and willing to include her. But she isn't invited to birthday parties, sleepovers, and the like. Our phone isn't ringing (and at 11, we expect that to start soon). One girl gave her a fake phone number (it had 14 digits, and DD didn't notice). She had given her number to a couple of other girls, and asked them to call; they left teasing messages on our answering machine. A couple of years ago she mentioned her upcoming birthday party to a couple of girls, and they immediately said they weren't available, even though the date had yet to be set.
We realize that DD's behaviors have pegged her as the outsider in her class. For the most part, she is somewhat blissfully oblivious, but she's starting to catch on. Her disability isn't obvious enough that other kids give her extra consideration, but are noticeable enough to garner teasing remarks. We also know that strong friendships with reliable friends will help her get safely through the rough teenage years to come. And if she doesn't find good ones, the bad influences will find her all to easily. She is too naive and trusting to know when someone is using her.
Slowly I am trying to teach her some of the subtleties of social interaction so she won't make others so uncomfortable - don't just run up and hug someone (ask first), don't stand too close, don't push yourself into someone's conversation or activity, try to stay on the topic of conversation, etc. It's so hard to teach because we all do it so automatically - it's hard to describe the subtle facial expressions we interpret constantly that help us know what is OK and not OK. I fear that others observing us probably think I'm mean for correcting her social behavior, but I need to catch her in the moment so she make the connection.
Next year our children will be switching to a new, smaller, school through our church. We know many of the parents here already, and expect to have a better opportunity to form closer relationships with other families. We have contemplated whether it would be a good idea to share a little information about FASD with the other parents, so they can counsel their children if they come home with stories about DD's behavior. We aren't sure whether this will help with understanding, or create new issues.
I can't make friends for her, and I can't make the other kids "play nice." I don't know how to protect her from the cruel world, and I don't know how to teach her to act "normal." It's good to celebrate her individuality, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the world in which she must survive, and friends are such an essential part of that survival.
Raising the Bee
I just received this link from a family member about animal school. This is so true for all children, and how much more for the special children God has made our family.
I am going to do my best to raise bees.
I am going to do my best to raise bees.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Why We Worry
DD will be 12 in a few months. Supposedly, at 12 she should be old enough to stay home by herself and be more independant. For her, we are not sure when that point will really come, if ever.
Here's a couple of examples of why we worry:
Yesterday we went to a local pool for the afternoon. Within 5 minutes, she had attached herself to a stranger (fortunately, in this case, a nice-looking young woman). I had to remind her that we don't talk to strangers. Within 30 minutes, she had found a toy at the side of the pool and "acquisitioned" it for herself. When I asked her about it, she dropped it in the pool and pretended she didn't know what I was talking about.
In the morning, at church, she got to know yet another family with a baby. DD LOVES babies. I mean big time obsession. Now, everyone says, "All girls her age love babies," but this is to the extreme. She will follow around anyone in church with a baby, try to pick them up, kiss them, etc. (the babies, not the parents ;-) I worry about what will happen when she figures out how to get one of her own.
Today when I picked her up from daycare, I saw her "petting" the back of a boy's head when he wasn't looking. I had to remind her that was always unacceptable touching.
Each of these occurances is really a little thing. Well-meaning friends will tell us, "Oh, every kid does that." Everywhere we go, people know her. We are told constantly what a sweet, friendly girl she is. We know that is a blessing. But she doesn't have the limits she should, and the stranger she befriends could just as easily be a predator as a sweet teenage girl. Or a boy could tell her, "If you love me you'll...." and she will follow willingly.
This is not a child who is ready for the typical independance of a 12-year-old, but day care options start to run out for her soon. With DH and I working full time, leaving her alone is not an option.
And this is why we worry....
Here's a couple of examples of why we worry:
Yesterday we went to a local pool for the afternoon. Within 5 minutes, she had attached herself to a stranger (fortunately, in this case, a nice-looking young woman). I had to remind her that we don't talk to strangers. Within 30 minutes, she had found a toy at the side of the pool and "acquisitioned" it for herself. When I asked her about it, she dropped it in the pool and pretended she didn't know what I was talking about.
In the morning, at church, she got to know yet another family with a baby. DD LOVES babies. I mean big time obsession. Now, everyone says, "All girls her age love babies," but this is to the extreme. She will follow around anyone in church with a baby, try to pick them up, kiss them, etc. (the babies, not the parents ;-) I worry about what will happen when she figures out how to get one of her own.
Today when I picked her up from daycare, I saw her "petting" the back of a boy's head when he wasn't looking. I had to remind her that was always unacceptable touching.
Each of these occurances is really a little thing. Well-meaning friends will tell us, "Oh, every kid does that." Everywhere we go, people know her. We are told constantly what a sweet, friendly girl she is. We know that is a blessing. But she doesn't have the limits she should, and the stranger she befriends could just as easily be a predator as a sweet teenage girl. Or a boy could tell her, "If you love me you'll...." and she will follow willingly.
This is not a child who is ready for the typical independance of a 12-year-old, but day care options start to run out for her soon. With DH and I working full time, leaving her alone is not an option.
And this is why we worry....
Saturday, July 12, 2008
A Beautiful Day
After some nasty storms that came through our area last night, it was a gorgeous day today! I worked in the garden on my perpetual "Gonna Beat the Bunnies" program to keep the bunnies and deer out of my green beans (no violence, just more creative fencing methods). Then we went to see Wall-E and came home for a late dinner. It was great to have a nice relaxing day and get a few things accomplished, too.
DH is away one more night on his 3 day canoeing trip with Little Brother #3. I have a feeling he'll be pretty sore when he gets home tomorrow night, but I'm glad they have this great chance. LB #3 spends a lot of time parenting his 5 younger siblings, so I'm glad he can get away and be a teenager for a while.
DS had a little accident this evening, where his bike chain derailed and he crashed, doing a number on his knee. He actually handled it very well, didn't cry or scream, let me wash and bandage it while holding his breath with a pained look. I was thinking about what a change this is for him. When he first arrived almost 5 years ago, he was inconsolable when he was sick or injured, and would howl for hours. I don't think he believed we would take care of him. Now he trusts that Mom & Dad will make it better, and if it hurts a little in the process, it's not on purpose.
We are so blessed with these lovely children, and I love looking back and realizing how far we've come in less than 5 years. Amazing how God can build a family, isn't it?
DH is away one more night on his 3 day canoeing trip with Little Brother #3. I have a feeling he'll be pretty sore when he gets home tomorrow night, but I'm glad they have this great chance. LB #3 spends a lot of time parenting his 5 younger siblings, so I'm glad he can get away and be a teenager for a while.
DS had a little accident this evening, where his bike chain derailed and he crashed, doing a number on his knee. He actually handled it very well, didn't cry or scream, let me wash and bandage it while holding his breath with a pained look. I was thinking about what a change this is for him. When he first arrived almost 5 years ago, he was inconsolable when he was sick or injured, and would howl for hours. I don't think he believed we would take care of him. Now he trusts that Mom & Dad will make it better, and if it hurts a little in the process, it's not on purpose.
We are so blessed with these lovely children, and I love looking back and realizing how far we've come in less than 5 years. Amazing how God can build a family, isn't it?
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Color Scheme
Right before our vacation, we had a lot of problems with DS letting his anger get the best of him. He does not handle frustration well, and prefers to be "in charge" of all activities. Lately when he gets mad, he has started running off and hiding, neither acceptable nor safe at day care. I received 3 phone calls on that Friday because he had run due to various situations. When I talk to him, it's always someone else's fault, and everything is bad, and the world is out to get him, etc. etc.
Since we were visiting family, it made assigning consequences more difficult, but everyone understood that we had to set limits. DS had to write apology notes and lines, and was grounded for most activities the next morning. He knew that he couldn't go play until he and I had talked. We've found that when he gets in trouble, he actually can't wait for "the talk" to happen, not just because he wants to get it over with (though that is part of it), but because he truly feels better when he's actually dealt with the situation. In the same way, he always feels better after having completed the required apology notes to the affected parties - it gives him closure.
Anyway, he spent most of the late morning asking repeatedly if it was time for our "walk" (I'd decided to go for a walk with him so we could have privacy for our talk.) When we finally went, I told him that we needed to find some solutions to how to handle these anger situations, since running was not an OK reaction. Walking away for some "alone time," yes. Running and hiding, no. Of course all I got at first was monosyllabic grunts. I started by asking him how it feels when he's in his "anger" mode. "Bad" How it feels when he's not angry? "Good" OK bud, this isn't getting us anywhere!
So I asked him if he had to assign a temperature what would it be? (Hot) What color? (Black) What texture? (Hard) Now we were getting somewhere. The one he seemed to be able to elaborate on best was the "color scheme." He decided that his range of emotions went from Blue (good) through Yellow, Orange, and Red all the way to Black (worst). He even decided Pink is for the really good moods, and Green is for the sad moods.
Next we talked about how each color felt, and what he could do to get back on track at each level. We came up with the following system:
Pink/Blue - all OK (he often reports he is between these two, but for some reason doesn't appreciate when I tease him about being Magenta)
Yellow - getting frustrated - take deep breaths and "let out the snakes" (what we call holding your breath and hissing as you let it go - seems to work well for my kids, when I can get them to do it)
Orange - on the way to being angry - do the "button pull" (criss-cross wrists, interlock fingers, and pull apart), or "arm tapping" (cross arms and tap opposite upper arms). Both of these exercises are meant to stimulate both sides of the brain to help with focus. Roll shoulders to release tension. Find another activity.
Red - very angry - all of the above, plus take a self-imposed 5 min. break to calm down.
Black - furious - walk away (not run) to take a break to calm down as long as necessary, find a new activity, plus all of the above.
The plan is that instead of telling DS, "You're mad and you need to calm down," which only riles him up, we ask him instead, "What color are you?" Based on his answer, we then ask, "What do you need to do to get back on track?" So far, two weeks into it, he seems to be doing a much better job of managing when he gets upset. I like that this gives us a variety of descriptions for his moods - before we had two options, "good" and "bad."
One of the things I started doing right away (I warned him I would), was to ask him at random times what his color was, even when he was happy, or only a little frustrated. For the most part I think he's pretty accurate, though a couple of times I have said, "I think you're actually more of a ____." I want him to start recognizing his own moods, and learn to self-regulate. What he also started to notice was that he had a lot more Blue/Pink moods than Red & Black ones. DS had started to believe he was only about the anger, and didn't have any good qualities (and yes, we remind him of his good qualities as much as we can). He is a "glass-half-empty-and-leaking-fast" child, so one not-so-great event becomes an overwhelming horrible time. For instance, he spent most of the year saying he didn't like music class, yet came home each week singing the songs until they were etched permanently in my brain, too. Turns out when we really looked at it, there was one song he didn't like to sing, but from that he'd decided that he disliked the entire class. Fortunately, he is able to learn from these discussions and turn it around, and ended up enjoying the rest of the year of music. I am hoping that he will start to see that he is not mad "all the time" the way he believes, but that actually he is a happy child for the most part. Life is not horrible, and everyone is not out to get him, and I think he's going to make a pretty amazing grown-up!
Now to deal with the running away issue, we came up with the following system. It seemed to me that he ran the most when the staff started chasing him. I requested that instead someone select an appropriate spot, point to it, and firmly announce that he needed to be in that spot within a 10-count. If he comes, great - 5 min. time out and then back to play. If he doesn't, then I get called. Same routine for the second run of the day, only with a 10 min. time out. Third time I get called either way, with sitting time/removal of priveleges TBD based on my call.
Thank goodness for day care staff who "get it!" The director was very receptive to our new system, and had selected a single staff person to be DS's "go to guy" in tough situations - he'll be the one to use the new system. While we were on vacation, she had taken it upon herself to educate the staff. She realized that the mostly teenage staff was expecting our kids to behave like neuro-typical kids with "normal" backgrounds, so she decided to educate them. She pulled about 20 pages of info on FASD off the net to pass out and discuss, and said she saw the dawning of comprehension as they read. Now, we don't believe that DS has FASD as DD does, I believe it's more of an attachment/abandonment issue for him, but I don't think that will matter. The most important result is that the staff will now put their behaviors in a more realistic light. (And maybe a few more young women will choose to avoid alcohol when they have their own children) We have really been blessed with school and daycare staff who really go the extra mile to be understanding of our situation!
Anyway, peace has been reigning in the household this week. It doesn't mean DS doesn't get mad - we certainly don't expect that and told him that. But he's been turning around at Yellow & Orange before he gets to Red & Black, and is proud that he's able to do this on his own. And we aren't constantly telling him to "calm down." I know I hate it when people tell me that, so why shouldn't he? Let's hope this works for the next few weeks and months, too!
Since we were visiting family, it made assigning consequences more difficult, but everyone understood that we had to set limits. DS had to write apology notes and lines, and was grounded for most activities the next morning. He knew that he couldn't go play until he and I had talked. We've found that when he gets in trouble, he actually can't wait for "the talk" to happen, not just because he wants to get it over with (though that is part of it), but because he truly feels better when he's actually dealt with the situation. In the same way, he always feels better after having completed the required apology notes to the affected parties - it gives him closure.
Anyway, he spent most of the late morning asking repeatedly if it was time for our "walk" (I'd decided to go for a walk with him so we could have privacy for our talk.) When we finally went, I told him that we needed to find some solutions to how to handle these anger situations, since running was not an OK reaction. Walking away for some "alone time," yes. Running and hiding, no. Of course all I got at first was monosyllabic grunts. I started by asking him how it feels when he's in his "anger" mode. "Bad" How it feels when he's not angry? "Good" OK bud, this isn't getting us anywhere!
So I asked him if he had to assign a temperature what would it be? (Hot) What color? (Black) What texture? (Hard) Now we were getting somewhere. The one he seemed to be able to elaborate on best was the "color scheme." He decided that his range of emotions went from Blue (good) through Yellow, Orange, and Red all the way to Black (worst). He even decided Pink is for the really good moods, and Green is for the sad moods.
Next we talked about how each color felt, and what he could do to get back on track at each level. We came up with the following system:
Pink/Blue - all OK (he often reports he is between these two, but for some reason doesn't appreciate when I tease him about being Magenta)
Yellow - getting frustrated - take deep breaths and "let out the snakes" (what we call holding your breath and hissing as you let it go - seems to work well for my kids, when I can get them to do it)
Orange - on the way to being angry - do the "button pull" (criss-cross wrists, interlock fingers, and pull apart), or "arm tapping" (cross arms and tap opposite upper arms). Both of these exercises are meant to stimulate both sides of the brain to help with focus. Roll shoulders to release tension. Find another activity.
Red - very angry - all of the above, plus take a self-imposed 5 min. break to calm down.
Black - furious - walk away (not run) to take a break to calm down as long as necessary, find a new activity, plus all of the above.
The plan is that instead of telling DS, "You're mad and you need to calm down," which only riles him up, we ask him instead, "What color are you?" Based on his answer, we then ask, "What do you need to do to get back on track?" So far, two weeks into it, he seems to be doing a much better job of managing when he gets upset. I like that this gives us a variety of descriptions for his moods - before we had two options, "good" and "bad."
One of the things I started doing right away (I warned him I would), was to ask him at random times what his color was, even when he was happy, or only a little frustrated. For the most part I think he's pretty accurate, though a couple of times I have said, "I think you're actually more of a ____." I want him to start recognizing his own moods, and learn to self-regulate. What he also started to notice was that he had a lot more Blue/Pink moods than Red & Black ones. DS had started to believe he was only about the anger, and didn't have any good qualities (and yes, we remind him of his good qualities as much as we can). He is a "glass-half-empty-and-leaking-fast" child, so one not-so-great event becomes an overwhelming horrible time. For instance, he spent most of the year saying he didn't like music class, yet came home each week singing the songs until they were etched permanently in my brain, too. Turns out when we really looked at it, there was one song he didn't like to sing, but from that he'd decided that he disliked the entire class. Fortunately, he is able to learn from these discussions and turn it around, and ended up enjoying the rest of the year of music. I am hoping that he will start to see that he is not mad "all the time" the way he believes, but that actually he is a happy child for the most part. Life is not horrible, and everyone is not out to get him, and I think he's going to make a pretty amazing grown-up!
Now to deal with the running away issue, we came up with the following system. It seemed to me that he ran the most when the staff started chasing him. I requested that instead someone select an appropriate spot, point to it, and firmly announce that he needed to be in that spot within a 10-count. If he comes, great - 5 min. time out and then back to play. If he doesn't, then I get called. Same routine for the second run of the day, only with a 10 min. time out. Third time I get called either way, with sitting time/removal of priveleges TBD based on my call.
Thank goodness for day care staff who "get it!" The director was very receptive to our new system, and had selected a single staff person to be DS's "go to guy" in tough situations - he'll be the one to use the new system. While we were on vacation, she had taken it upon herself to educate the staff. She realized that the mostly teenage staff was expecting our kids to behave like neuro-typical kids with "normal" backgrounds, so she decided to educate them. She pulled about 20 pages of info on FASD off the net to pass out and discuss, and said she saw the dawning of comprehension as they read. Now, we don't believe that DS has FASD as DD does, I believe it's more of an attachment/abandonment issue for him, but I don't think that will matter. The most important result is that the staff will now put their behaviors in a more realistic light. (And maybe a few more young women will choose to avoid alcohol when they have their own children) We have really been blessed with school and daycare staff who really go the extra mile to be understanding of our situation!
Anyway, peace has been reigning in the household this week. It doesn't mean DS doesn't get mad - we certainly don't expect that and told him that. But he's been turning around at Yellow & Orange before he gets to Red & Black, and is proud that he's able to do this on his own. And we aren't constantly telling him to "calm down." I know I hate it when people tell me that, so why shouldn't he? Let's hope this works for the next few weeks and months, too!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Diversion
Greetings from South Dakota!
Only I'm not supposed to be in South Dakota. I'm supposed to be in Minnesota. We were diverted because of storms, then our flight was delayed further due to mechanical problems. Three 1/2 hours later, and we are about to be allowed to get back on the plane (in theory). It has been a mad rush of phone calls to find someone to pick up the kids from daycare (DH left town this afternoon for the remainder of the week), and find someone to watch them later tonight in case we are delayed further.
This is not an exciting airport.
I will be very glad to get home and have something other than a wilted $7.50 sandwich!
Only I'm not supposed to be in South Dakota. I'm supposed to be in Minnesota. We were diverted because of storms, then our flight was delayed further due to mechanical problems. Three 1/2 hours later, and we are about to be allowed to get back on the plane (in theory). It has been a mad rush of phone calls to find someone to pick up the kids from daycare (DH left town this afternoon for the remainder of the week), and find someone to watch them later tonight in case we are delayed further.
This is not an exciting airport.
I will be very glad to get home and have something other than a wilted $7.50 sandwich!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Heading Home
Tonight is my last night away from home, and tomorrow I will head back for good. The last one 1/2 months have been one trip after another. On Saturday we returned from vacation, and I left on Monday for a business trip. I'm looking forward to not having anyplace to go for quite a while - time to work on the yard (before DH decides to "help" again), get caught up on housework (OK, not really looking forward to that), and just enjoy my own bed.
The kids are getting better about handling these disruptions, but it's still not easy. My first trip away from home after the kids came to live with us, DS was terrified and insisted that I wasn't going to come back alive. For the first couple of years, each of my trips resulted in trips to the principal's office (DS), and extra stealing (DD). I don't travel too frequently (though these days DH would disagree), but I am pleased that our kids have developed enough trust that they don't get as anxious when I leave. Separations will probably always be hard for my son - I think that in his heart-of-hearts, he views every goodbye as forever.
But for tonight, I have a nice quiet room to myself, free breakfast in the morning, and a late morning flight so I don't have to leap out of bed early in the morning. Ahhh... relaxation!
The kids are getting better about handling these disruptions, but it's still not easy. My first trip away from home after the kids came to live with us, DS was terrified and insisted that I wasn't going to come back alive. For the first couple of years, each of my trips resulted in trips to the principal's office (DS), and extra stealing (DD). I don't travel too frequently (though these days DH would disagree), but I am pleased that our kids have developed enough trust that they don't get as anxious when I leave. Separations will probably always be hard for my son - I think that in his heart-of-hearts, he views every goodbye as forever.
But for tonight, I have a nice quiet room to myself, free breakfast in the morning, and a late morning flight so I don't have to leap out of bed early in the morning. Ahhh... relaxation!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
In the Dark
Tonight DH went into DD's dark room to tuck her in. She asked, "Dad, can you check to see if my earrings are still in? I can't see."
DH suggested, "Um... is there another way maybe that you could check for them?"
DD reached up and touched her earlobes, "Oh, yeah, they're still in!"
We love ya honey!
DH suggested, "Um... is there another way maybe that you could check for them?"
DD reached up and touched her earlobes, "Oh, yeah, they're still in!"
We love ya honey!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
No Child Left Behind
Our last morning of vacation was spent packing, while DS spent the morning fishing with Grandpa, starting at 7am. Since the lake was on our way home, we decided to save time by picking him up on the way, rather than wait for him to ride back to the hotel to meet us. DD must have heard this plan at least half a dozen times as it was discussed, rediscussed, and discussed once again among various family members.
So we finish packing, say our goodbyes and head off down the back roads to meet DS at an out-of-the-way diner. DD asks, "Where are we going?" to which we reply, "To pick up your brother, or didn't you notice the empty seat beside you?"
"Is this the way to get there?"
"Nah, we just thought we would take some other random roads for fun, and leave him in Wisconsin."
Unfortunately, playful sarcasm is lost on our daughter. We know this, but the temptation is sometimes too strong. For some reason, sequential logic is one of the "broken" pieces of our FASD daughter's brain. We've tried to train in the "think before asking" mechanism, but with mixed success, so for now we get a lot of exchanges like this one.
So we finish packing, say our goodbyes and head off down the back roads to meet DS at an out-of-the-way diner. DD asks, "Where are we going?" to which we reply, "To pick up your brother, or didn't you notice the empty seat beside you?"
"Is this the way to get there?"
"Nah, we just thought we would take some other random roads for fun, and leave him in Wisconsin."
Unfortunately, playful sarcasm is lost on our daughter. We know this, but the temptation is sometimes too strong. For some reason, sequential logic is one of the "broken" pieces of our FASD daughter's brain. We've tried to train in the "think before asking" mechanism, but with mixed success, so for now we get a lot of exchanges like this one.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Meltdowns
We are out of town all week (have been since last Friday) for a family event/trip with DH's family. There has been a lot of togetherness. Too much togetherness. The perfect recipe for a meltdown.
Who would figure it wouldn't be the kids who lost it.... it would be DH and I. It's over stupid stuff, and I know we'll resolve it soon. I'm just so ready to go home right now, and won't be able to for a couple more days. I have some stuff to write about, but right now I know it won't come out right, so I'd better not. Hope you're all having a great week, and I'll check back in when we get home.
Who would figure it wouldn't be the kids who lost it.... it would be DH and I. It's over stupid stuff, and I know we'll resolve it soon. I'm just so ready to go home right now, and won't be able to for a couple more days. I have some stuff to write about, but right now I know it won't come out right, so I'd better not. Hope you're all having a great week, and I'll check back in when we get home.
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