The Color Scheme

Right before our vacation, we had a lot of problems with DS letting his anger get the best of him. He does not handle frustration well, and prefers to be "in charge" of all activities. Lately when he gets mad, he has started running off and hiding, neither acceptable nor safe at day care. I received 3 phone calls on that Friday because he had run due to various situations. When I talk to him, it's always someone else's fault, and everything is bad, and the world is out to get him, etc. etc.

Since we were visiting family, it made assigning consequences more difficult, but everyone understood that we had to set limits. DS had to write apology notes and lines, and was grounded for most activities the next morning. He knew that he couldn't go play until he and I had talked. We've found that when he gets in trouble, he actually can't wait for "the talk" to happen, not just because he wants to get it over with (though that is part of it), but because he truly feels better when he's actually dealt with the situation. In the same way, he always feels better after having completed the required apology notes to the affected parties - it gives him closure.

Anyway, he spent most of the late morning asking repeatedly if it was time for our "walk" (I'd decided to go for a walk with him so we could have privacy for our talk.) When we finally went, I told him that we needed to find some solutions to how to handle these anger situations, since running was not an OK reaction. Walking away for some "alone time," yes. Running and hiding, no. Of course all I got at first was monosyllabic grunts. I started by asking him how it feels when he's in his "anger" mode. "Bad" How it feels when he's not angry? "Good" OK bud, this isn't getting us anywhere!

So I asked him if he had to assign a temperature what would it be? (Hot) What color? (Black) What texture? (Hard) Now we were getting somewhere. The one he seemed to be able to elaborate on best was the "color scheme." He decided that his range of emotions went from Blue (good) through Yellow, Orange, and Red all the way to Black (worst). He even decided Pink is for the really good moods, and Green is for the sad moods.

Next we talked about how each color felt, and what he could do to get back on track at each level. We came up with the following system:
Pink/Blue - all OK (he often reports he is between these two, but for some reason doesn't appreciate when I tease him about being Magenta)
Yellow - getting frustrated - take deep breaths and "let out the snakes" (what we call holding your breath and hissing as you let it go - seems to work well for my kids, when I can get them to do it)
Orange - on the way to being angry - do the "button pull" (criss-cross wrists, interlock fingers, and pull apart), or "arm tapping" (cross arms and tap opposite upper arms). Both of these exercises are meant to stimulate both sides of the brain to help with focus. Roll shoulders to release tension. Find another activity.
Red - very angry - all of the above, plus take a self-imposed 5 min. break to calm down.
Black - furious - walk away (not run) to take a break to calm down as long as necessary, find a new activity, plus all of the above.

The plan is that instead of telling DS, "You're mad and you need to calm down," which only riles him up, we ask him instead, "What color are you?" Based on his answer, we then ask, "What do you need to do to get back on track?" So far, two weeks into it, he seems to be doing a much better job of managing when he gets upset. I like that this gives us a variety of descriptions for his moods - before we had two options, "good" and "bad."

One of the things I started doing right away (I warned him I would), was to ask him at random times what his color was, even when he was happy, or only a little frustrated. For the most part I think he's pretty accurate, though a couple of times I have said, "I think you're actually more of a ____." I want him to start recognizing his own moods, and learn to self-regulate. What he also started to notice was that he had a lot more Blue/Pink moods than Red & Black ones. DS had started to believe he was only about the anger, and didn't have any good qualities (and yes, we remind him of his good qualities as much as we can). He is a "glass-half-empty-and-leaking-fast" child, so one not-so-great event becomes an overwhelming horrible time. For instance, he spent most of the year saying he didn't like music class, yet came home each week singing the songs until they were etched permanently in my brain, too. Turns out when we really looked at it, there was one song he didn't like to sing, but from that he'd decided that he disliked the entire class. Fortunately, he is able to learn from these discussions and turn it around, and ended up enjoying the rest of the year of music. I am hoping that he will start to see that he is not mad "all the time" the way he believes, but that actually he is a happy child for the most part. Life is not horrible, and everyone is not out to get him, and I think he's going to make a pretty amazing grown-up!

Now to deal with the running away issue, we came up with the following system. It seemed to me that he ran the most when the staff started chasing him. I requested that instead someone select an appropriate spot, point to it, and firmly announce that he needed to be in that spot within a 10-count. If he comes, great - 5 min. time out and then back to play. If he doesn't, then I get called. Same routine for the second run of the day, only with a 10 min. time out. Third time I get called either way, with sitting time/removal of priveleges TBD based on my call.

Thank goodness for day care staff who "get it!" The director was very receptive to our new system, and had selected a single staff person to be DS's "go to guy" in tough situations - he'll be the one to use the new system. While we were on vacation, she had taken it upon herself to educate the staff. She realized that the mostly teenage staff was expecting our kids to behave like neuro-typical kids with "normal" backgrounds, so she decided to educate them. She pulled about 20 pages of info on FASD off the net to pass out and discuss, and said she saw the dawning of comprehension as they read. Now, we don't believe that DS has FASD as DD does, I believe it's more of an attachment/abandonment issue for him, but I don't think that will matter. The most important result is that the staff will now put their behaviors in a more realistic light. (And maybe a few more young women will choose to avoid alcohol when they have their own children) We have really been blessed with school and daycare staff who really go the extra mile to be understanding of our situation!

Anyway, peace has been reigning in the household this week. It doesn't mean DS doesn't get mad - we certainly don't expect that and told him that. But he's been turning around at Yellow & Orange before he gets to Red & Black, and is proud that he's able to do this on his own. And we aren't constantly telling him to "calm down." I know I hate it when people tell me that, so why shouldn't he? Let's hope this works for the next few weeks and months, too!