In response to my post the other day about DD's readiness for independence, Janine asked about the possibility of her spending afternoons with a friend. It's a possibility I'd thought of before, but that brought up a question I've been wondering about. How are your kids at making friends?
DD is very social and outgoing. As I mentioned before, everyone is her "friend." She can meet someone for 5 minutes and announce that they are her best friend. Knowing their name is optional. But we have come to realize that she has no "true" friends. Sure, she has kids at school and daycare with whom she plays, and the teachers at school have cultivated a few girls who are more understanding and willing to include her. But she isn't invited to birthday parties, sleepovers, and the like. Our phone isn't ringing (and at 11, we expect that to start soon). One girl gave her a fake phone number (it had 14 digits, and DD didn't notice). She had given her number to a couple of other girls, and asked them to call; they left teasing messages on our answering machine. A couple of years ago she mentioned her upcoming birthday party to a couple of girls, and they immediately said they weren't available, even though the date had yet to be set.
We realize that DD's behaviors have pegged her as the outsider in her class. For the most part, she is somewhat blissfully oblivious, but she's starting to catch on. Her disability isn't obvious enough that other kids give her extra consideration, but are noticeable enough to garner teasing remarks. We also know that strong friendships with reliable friends will help her get safely through the rough teenage years to come. And if she doesn't find good ones, the bad influences will find her all to easily. She is too naive and trusting to know when someone is using her.
Slowly I am trying to teach her some of the subtleties of social interaction so she won't make others so uncomfortable - don't just run up and hug someone (ask first), don't stand too close, don't push yourself into someone's conversation or activity, try to stay on the topic of conversation, etc. It's so hard to teach because we all do it so automatically - it's hard to describe the subtle facial expressions we interpret constantly that help us know what is OK and not OK. I fear that others observing us probably think I'm mean for correcting her social behavior, but I need to catch her in the moment so she make the connection.
Next year our children will be switching to a new, smaller, school through our church. We know many of the parents here already, and expect to have a better opportunity to form closer relationships with other families. We have contemplated whether it would be a good idea to share a little information about FASD with the other parents, so they can counsel their children if they come home with stories about DD's behavior. We aren't sure whether this will help with understanding, or create new issues.
I can't make friends for her, and I can't make the other kids "play nice." I don't know how to protect her from the cruel world, and I don't know how to teach her to act "normal." It's good to celebrate her individuality, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the world in which she must survive, and friends are such an essential part of that survival.
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2 comments:
I see both DQ and Andrew in your dd. Andrew will run into the house saying that boy is his best friend and he needs to go to his house. I have no clue who that boy is, he doesn't know his name, but he will end up in a meltdown over it. Everybody is his best friend if they look at him. He has no friends either. DQ doesn't pick up on the social cues. Now that she is a teen she is a chameleon and unfortunately is a magnet to the "exciting" crowd--the troubled kids who are rough and tough--they either accept her because they can use her or accept her because she'll be a trouble maker too. You are smart to be on top of it now. I think it's good your kids are going to a smaller school. I feel it's extremely important for the teachers, principal, any staff in contact with your kids be educated. See if any kids in the new class might like to come over for a playdate--ask the teacher if there is a girl that looks like would make a friend--just just a thought!
My daughter is the same way. She is oblvious to the way others feel about her. I see it and it brings me to tears. I think it is very important to educate. I have told a few people in my church and they have spoken to their children. There is more of an understanding. They try to be more patient with her.
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