Yep - one yesterday, one today. Again the sinking stomach.
The staff has learned that the first words from their mouths need to be, "it's nothing bad," or I will start to panic. That's just sad.
But for once (or twice), neither call was bad.
Yesterday, it was the head of the program. He was taking one of the other boys out biking around a nearby lake, and DS wanted to know if he could come along and just go running (He loves to run). I said sure! Definitely a better outlet for extra energy than some of his past choices!
When I picked him up last night, I asked if he had run the entire 3 mile course. His answer?
"Yes, I ran the whole thing... well, most of it... actually I walked about 2/3 of it... no, not that much.... maybe 1/3 plus 1/2 of a third." I made him work through the fractions, which came out to half the course. That's the same as the whole thing, right? No matter, I'm just happy with the positive choice.
Today it was one of the counselors wanting to let me know about an incident. There were some neighborhood boys walking through the playground, and they grabbed the ball from a game DS was playing with some other kids and went around the corner. DS followed them to get it back, but unbeknownst to him, they had waited, hiding just out of sight, to jump him. They punched him several times in the back and ran off.
Apparently he handled it very well, and was being given ice for the pain. Since these kids aren't part of any program, nobody knows who they are and they can't really be disciplined. They're going to do their best to find them, and will kick them off the playground if they appear again, but really, there's no hope of any effective consequence. I'm just relieved that DS is fine. Besides, what am I going to do? Threaten to sue and press assault charges?
Of course, it says something when your first sense of relief comes from knowing that your child wasn't the aggressor this time, and then the relief that he's OK. I'm not sure what it says, but it says something....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Another Day.... Another Rage
The phone rang again...
It was the day camp...
I cringe every time they call. My stomach sinks. I wonder, "What now???" If it's not him, it's her.
DS got angry at something small that happened (again) and went after another child (again). He has to leave for the day (again). They'll let him back tomorrow, but I will wait anxiously for the next phone call.
Last time it was a fight over the rules of a game... he ended up punching the kid in the eye. The kids made up and were fine, but the other parent threatened to sue and press assault charges if DS wasn't removed for 2 days.
This time it was because he was hit in the head with a ball during a dodgeball game... he chased and tried to choke the kid (DS claims he only tried a pressure point, like that is somehow better).
What will it be next time?
I don't think the Abilify is working anymore. I don't think he wants it to. I'll bet the voices are back, though he hasn't admitted it.
I think, at least in some small corner of his mind, he wants to get in trouble, get kicked out, get rejected. Safer to have the rejection be on your own terms than to have it happen when you start caring and trusting.
And he's supposed to go to camp next week (4 hrs away). How do we leave him there with any confidence? How do I take him to day camp tomorrow? How do I leave him at school? I can't stay home, and I can't homeschool, so please don't suggest that (much as I'd love to, no, I can't).
I want to cry. I want to run. I want my loving little boy back. I want Satan to leave him ALONE!
I know this is small potatoes compared to the issues many of you are facing. But if you have a few seconds, please pray for him. I don't even know what to pray for, but please pray for him.
Thanks.
It was the day camp...
I cringe every time they call. My stomach sinks. I wonder, "What now???" If it's not him, it's her.
DS got angry at something small that happened (again) and went after another child (again). He has to leave for the day (again). They'll let him back tomorrow, but I will wait anxiously for the next phone call.
Last time it was a fight over the rules of a game... he ended up punching the kid in the eye. The kids made up and were fine, but the other parent threatened to sue and press assault charges if DS wasn't removed for 2 days.
This time it was because he was hit in the head with a ball during a dodgeball game... he chased and tried to choke the kid (DS claims he only tried a pressure point, like that is somehow better).
What will it be next time?
I don't think the Abilify is working anymore. I don't think he wants it to. I'll bet the voices are back, though he hasn't admitted it.
I think, at least in some small corner of his mind, he wants to get in trouble, get kicked out, get rejected. Safer to have the rejection be on your own terms than to have it happen when you start caring and trusting.
And he's supposed to go to camp next week (4 hrs away). How do we leave him there with any confidence? How do I take him to day camp tomorrow? How do I leave him at school? I can't stay home, and I can't homeschool, so please don't suggest that (much as I'd love to, no, I can't).
I want to cry. I want to run. I want my loving little boy back. I want Satan to leave him ALONE!
I know this is small potatoes compared to the issues many of you are facing. But if you have a few seconds, please pray for him. I don't even know what to pray for, but please pray for him.
Thanks.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A Contest and a Question
Jeff is having a contest!!
Ok, so he stole my prize, but I'll forgive him for that. (OK, I might razz him about it, and then forgive him.)
Please head over to the contest post on his blog, Ramblings of an FAS Dad, and take a look. He's got some pictures of himself as a cutie-patootie little boy (complete with lovely 70's fashion!), and a question for all of you.
If you don't mind, please post a link to the contest on your blog as well. The more input he gets, the better, and it will be particularly interesting to hear from those who don't know him IRL. Plus I'm really proud of him for telling his stories from his own perspective, and I hope more people will find him here.
Thanks!
Ok, so he stole my prize, but I'll forgive him for that. (OK, I might razz him about it, and then forgive him.)
Please head over to the contest post on his blog, Ramblings of an FAS Dad, and take a look. He's got some pictures of himself as a cutie-patootie little boy (complete with lovely 70's fashion!), and a question for all of you.
If you don't mind, please post a link to the contest on your blog as well. The more input he gets, the better, and it will be particularly interesting to hear from those who don't know him IRL. Plus I'm really proud of him for telling his stories from his own perspective, and I hope more people will find him here.
Thanks!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Baseball Woes
Sorry I've been so bad about writing. Sometimes it seems like the same thing every day. DS being defiant and angry, DD stealing or doing something completely mystifying (like, for instance, why, exactly, did she need 1/4 bottle of shampoo to wash her hair the other night??? I know, I overreacted when I found out, but we've been over this a billion times already. I know, typical FASD, but still.... OK, I know, I know... ) So my life seems boring in it's same-old, same-oldness.
Actually, though, DD has been really good about not stealing lately. Of course, I check her pockets and bag every AM and PM as we walk in/out of the door of daycare, so no chance to sneak something. But it gives me a chance to praise her for not taking things, and as I remind her, if you can do it one day, you can do it the next. We did have a little problem with her filling a Ziploc bag with cereal at breakfast to eat later (not because she was hungry, but because she wanted to), but I truly think she didn't view this as stealing. Not a huge thing, but if every kid at day care did it.... Plus, she doesn't see shades of gray, so if we allow one thing, it leads to another. Others may disagree, but to me, the easiest way to avoid tumbling down a slippery slope is to catch yourself when the first step gets out of line.
The nice thing is, the other day there was a notice put up about the disappearance of Pokemon cards, Webkinz, and other small items. What a great feeling to know for once that it wasn't DD, and to know the staff knew it, too.
But I digress... this is supposed to be about baseball season (which, by the way, is taking forever to finish up!) Win/lose situations are always tough for DS, at least if he loses. He's fine when he wins, of course, and he was blessed this year to have a very strong team. He started out well, and the coaches were impressed with his improved attitude this year. A little moping when he struck out, but he'd pull it around and was shortly cheering his teammates with gusto. In fact, his supportiveness was impressive, and he was the first one to tell anyone, "That's OK" when they struck out.
As the season progressed, the kids had an impressive winning record. Too impressive. I knew the fall was coming, and it was going to be tough. They had DD first in the batting order for a while, and the stress was horrible for him. He tensed up and couldn't hit a thing. They moved him to second, and that helped a little, but his hitting was still spotty. He has to be the hero who hits the home runs (makes the touchdowns, shoot the baskets, bowl the strikes - you name it, he needs to be the hero) but that's not his strength, and he gets furious at himself and the world when he's not the hero. He's a great fielder, and a spectacular runner and base stealer, but no matter how much we tell him this, he sees it as insufficient. Discussions of teamwork and everyone contributing different strengths fall on deaf ears. Compliments are greeted with growls.
Then, about 2/3 through the season, he had a couple off nights, and it was downhill from there. He struck out repeatedly, and each time, his mood got blacker. It took longer and longer to get him to pull it around. This sort of thing is cumulative... the more he misses, the more stressed he gets... the more stressed he gets, the more he misses. It's vicious. And though he can easily forgive his teammates for errors they might make, he can't forgive himself. Any talking we do doesn't register. Talking to him when he is mad is just suicidal anyway.
The team went to the city tournament, and had a bye for the first round because they finished at the top of their league. They won the second game by the skin of their teeth, and DS was part of the win. He was up at the bottom of the last inning, score tied with 2 outs, a full count, and ended up being walked to 1st, the only man on base. With the next batter up, DS managed to steal 2nd, then 3rd. His speed is a real asset. The other team brought in their outfielders in an attempt to block all hits, but the batter slammed it into the tiny gap down the third base line, enabling DS to make the winning score. There was much rejoicing, and the game ended there, since we were last up. The winning batter didn't even bother to run the bases. DS was the hero of the night.
So they had the championship game the next day. DS is 2nd at bat, strikes out, and the fireworks begin. He started howling and bawling, stormed out of the dugout, and slammed himself down under a tree (better than running off). Refused to go back for the team's turn in the outfield. ("I hate myself," "I hate baseball," "I don't belong on this team," etc.) Finally calmed down, came up to bat again, struck out again, wash, rinse, repeat. Third time, same thing. He had two plays in the outfield where he stopped the ball just fine, but he tried to make the play at home and didn't pull it off, so he ended up throwing a fit out there and being pulled. It didn't matter to him that he'd been the "hero" the night before, or that lots of his teammates were striking out, too. It didn't matter to him that several of his teammates made much bigger flubs in the game, especially in fielding. It didn't even matter that in his calmer moments, he was an amazing cheerleader for those who made those errors and strike-outs. In his eyes, all he could see was his errors, and they were larger than life. The team lost the game, earning 2nd place in the city. None of them were gracious losers, but DS was among the worst.
Now, we always tell him that the issue is not with being disappointed, or getting mad, or any of that. Everyone would get upset with that. It's the extent to which he takes it that is the problem. Angry just doesn't even begin to describe it. He truly seems to push it on purpose - to flat out refuse to try any calming tricks. It's like he revels in the power and adrenaline rush the anger brings. At those times, he refuses to hear the positive. He sees it as lies, as fuel to the fire. And I worry what will happen someday when he's older, old enough to act on those negative feelings in the heat of the moment. In his heart of hearts, he truly doesn't believe we're really here for him forever, that we really worry about him, or that he's really worth loving. It frustrates me that I can't find the words to make it stick, to make it sink in, and to break through that wall.
So now, because of their great season, they are invited to the State Tournament. We are absolutely dreading this. Three more games, guaranteed, possibly more. Three more times, at least, to bite my lip in vexation as I pray that he finally gets a hit, finally manages to hold it together. It doesn't help that they are likely to have a tougher time of it, since they are playing against every other city's strong teams. And we are supposed to take him to summer camp later that day, and I don't look forward to dropping an angry little boy off for a week of summer fun.
I offered him an out, if he didn't think he could handle it. It would be very simple to explain we can't make the tournament because of camp (which actually is true - I'm going to have to do some late night driving on Sunday, depending on how they do). He insisted he wanted to go. We told him that now is the time to start showing he can handle other disappointments, in order to convince us he can handle the tournament. We've told him, and the coaches, that if it becomes the disaster it was last weekend, we're pulling him immediately. It won't be pretty, and it will be so much fun driving with him for 4 hours in that state, but better than the alternative. Oh, and Jeff has to work, so it's just me. Yay.
Not to mention, the fun we will have when we pick him up, because he is always inconsolable at the loss of his counselor at the end of the camp week. Every goodbye kills him, even those he knows are coming, even for those relationships he knows are meant to be temporary.
It's getting to be so that I dread what the next storm is going to be, when the you-know-what will hit the fan, when he'll finally go off the deep end and hurt himself or someone else. I have to brace myself every time I tell him "no," because it brings on "the Pout." Something as normal as having to clean the guinea pig cage or do his reading when he'd rather be outside is the source of another episode. Today it was because he couldn't go play with a friend who wasn't even home. Like it's our fault the kid's family isn't waiting by the phone for DS's call. Oh, and just now when I told him he could only have a few more carrot/celery sticks (instead of an unlimited amount) because dinner is coming soon. I'm so mean.
Sigh... I know there are many out there who have a lot worse episodes to deal with than this (In fact, I read those blogs sometimes to remind myself how smooth our road is in comparison). I am constantly praying and reminding myself that this is God's to fix, not mine. When we aren't enjoying our "episodes," these are two spectacular kids: caring, helpful, well mannered. I'm always hearing about how they go out of their way to make other kids feel welcomed and included. Plus, I think I have two of the few kids on the planet who actually beg for vegetables in the produce department (Brussels sprouts, snow peas, and carrots, among other things). In some ways, that's the biggest vexation - DS is so busy focusing on any small mistake he makes that he can't see what an amazing person he is, what a fantastic adult he will be. His drive for success can be a great asset, but he refuses to allow himself the leeway to be human.
Actually, though, DD has been really good about not stealing lately. Of course, I check her pockets and bag every AM and PM as we walk in/out of the door of daycare, so no chance to sneak something. But it gives me a chance to praise her for not taking things, and as I remind her, if you can do it one day, you can do it the next. We did have a little problem with her filling a Ziploc bag with cereal at breakfast to eat later (not because she was hungry, but because she wanted to), but I truly think she didn't view this as stealing. Not a huge thing, but if every kid at day care did it.... Plus, she doesn't see shades of gray, so if we allow one thing, it leads to another. Others may disagree, but to me, the easiest way to avoid tumbling down a slippery slope is to catch yourself when the first step gets out of line.
The nice thing is, the other day there was a notice put up about the disappearance of Pokemon cards, Webkinz, and other small items. What a great feeling to know for once that it wasn't DD, and to know the staff knew it, too.
But I digress... this is supposed to be about baseball season (which, by the way, is taking forever to finish up!) Win/lose situations are always tough for DS, at least if he loses. He's fine when he wins, of course, and he was blessed this year to have a very strong team. He started out well, and the coaches were impressed with his improved attitude this year. A little moping when he struck out, but he'd pull it around and was shortly cheering his teammates with gusto. In fact, his supportiveness was impressive, and he was the first one to tell anyone, "That's OK" when they struck out.
As the season progressed, the kids had an impressive winning record. Too impressive. I knew the fall was coming, and it was going to be tough. They had DD first in the batting order for a while, and the stress was horrible for him. He tensed up and couldn't hit a thing. They moved him to second, and that helped a little, but his hitting was still spotty. He has to be the hero who hits the home runs (makes the touchdowns, shoot the baskets, bowl the strikes - you name it, he needs to be the hero) but that's not his strength, and he gets furious at himself and the world when he's not the hero. He's a great fielder, and a spectacular runner and base stealer, but no matter how much we tell him this, he sees it as insufficient. Discussions of teamwork and everyone contributing different strengths fall on deaf ears. Compliments are greeted with growls.
Then, about 2/3 through the season, he had a couple off nights, and it was downhill from there. He struck out repeatedly, and each time, his mood got blacker. It took longer and longer to get him to pull it around. This sort of thing is cumulative... the more he misses, the more stressed he gets... the more stressed he gets, the more he misses. It's vicious. And though he can easily forgive his teammates for errors they might make, he can't forgive himself. Any talking we do doesn't register. Talking to him when he is mad is just suicidal anyway.
The team went to the city tournament, and had a bye for the first round because they finished at the top of their league. They won the second game by the skin of their teeth, and DS was part of the win. He was up at the bottom of the last inning, score tied with 2 outs, a full count, and ended up being walked to 1st, the only man on base. With the next batter up, DS managed to steal 2nd, then 3rd. His speed is a real asset. The other team brought in their outfielders in an attempt to block all hits, but the batter slammed it into the tiny gap down the third base line, enabling DS to make the winning score. There was much rejoicing, and the game ended there, since we were last up. The winning batter didn't even bother to run the bases. DS was the hero of the night.
So they had the championship game the next day. DS is 2nd at bat, strikes out, and the fireworks begin. He started howling and bawling, stormed out of the dugout, and slammed himself down under a tree (better than running off). Refused to go back for the team's turn in the outfield. ("I hate myself," "I hate baseball," "I don't belong on this team," etc.) Finally calmed down, came up to bat again, struck out again, wash, rinse, repeat. Third time, same thing. He had two plays in the outfield where he stopped the ball just fine, but he tried to make the play at home and didn't pull it off, so he ended up throwing a fit out there and being pulled. It didn't matter to him that he'd been the "hero" the night before, or that lots of his teammates were striking out, too. It didn't matter to him that several of his teammates made much bigger flubs in the game, especially in fielding. It didn't even matter that in his calmer moments, he was an amazing cheerleader for those who made those errors and strike-outs. In his eyes, all he could see was his errors, and they were larger than life. The team lost the game, earning 2nd place in the city. None of them were gracious losers, but DS was among the worst.
Now, we always tell him that the issue is not with being disappointed, or getting mad, or any of that. Everyone would get upset with that. It's the extent to which he takes it that is the problem. Angry just doesn't even begin to describe it. He truly seems to push it on purpose - to flat out refuse to try any calming tricks. It's like he revels in the power and adrenaline rush the anger brings. At those times, he refuses to hear the positive. He sees it as lies, as fuel to the fire. And I worry what will happen someday when he's older, old enough to act on those negative feelings in the heat of the moment. In his heart of hearts, he truly doesn't believe we're really here for him forever, that we really worry about him, or that he's really worth loving. It frustrates me that I can't find the words to make it stick, to make it sink in, and to break through that wall.
So now, because of their great season, they are invited to the State Tournament. We are absolutely dreading this. Three more games, guaranteed, possibly more. Three more times, at least, to bite my lip in vexation as I pray that he finally gets a hit, finally manages to hold it together. It doesn't help that they are likely to have a tougher time of it, since they are playing against every other city's strong teams. And we are supposed to take him to summer camp later that day, and I don't look forward to dropping an angry little boy off for a week of summer fun.
I offered him an out, if he didn't think he could handle it. It would be very simple to explain we can't make the tournament because of camp (which actually is true - I'm going to have to do some late night driving on Sunday, depending on how they do). He insisted he wanted to go. We told him that now is the time to start showing he can handle other disappointments, in order to convince us he can handle the tournament. We've told him, and the coaches, that if it becomes the disaster it was last weekend, we're pulling him immediately. It won't be pretty, and it will be so much fun driving with him for 4 hours in that state, but better than the alternative. Oh, and Jeff has to work, so it's just me. Yay.
Not to mention, the fun we will have when we pick him up, because he is always inconsolable at the loss of his counselor at the end of the camp week. Every goodbye kills him, even those he knows are coming, even for those relationships he knows are meant to be temporary.
It's getting to be so that I dread what the next storm is going to be, when the you-know-what will hit the fan, when he'll finally go off the deep end and hurt himself or someone else. I have to brace myself every time I tell him "no," because it brings on "the Pout." Something as normal as having to clean the guinea pig cage or do his reading when he'd rather be outside is the source of another episode. Today it was because he couldn't go play with a friend who wasn't even home. Like it's our fault the kid's family isn't waiting by the phone for DS's call. Oh, and just now when I told him he could only have a few more carrot/celery sticks (instead of an unlimited amount) because dinner is coming soon. I'm so mean.
Sigh... I know there are many out there who have a lot worse episodes to deal with than this (In fact, I read those blogs sometimes to remind myself how smooth our road is in comparison). I am constantly praying and reminding myself that this is God's to fix, not mine. When we aren't enjoying our "episodes," these are two spectacular kids: caring, helpful, well mannered. I'm always hearing about how they go out of their way to make other kids feel welcomed and included. Plus, I think I have two of the few kids on the planet who actually beg for vegetables in the produce department (Brussels sprouts, snow peas, and carrots, among other things). In some ways, that's the biggest vexation - DS is so busy focusing on any small mistake he makes that he can't see what an amazing person he is, what a fantastic adult he will be. His drive for success can be a great asset, but he refuses to allow himself the leeway to be human.
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