This weekend I discovered that some little "mice" have been stealing treats when Mom & Dad aren't looking. I went to pull out a chocolate from the box Jeff gave me for my birthday last year, and lo and behold, the box was all but empty.
I approached DD first, and she admitted that, "DS took it and gave me a little." Hmmm... was Adam any less guilty because Eve picked the apple off the tree? Soon she admitted to a whole list of stolen items, and also admitted that her share was more like half, rather than the small fraction she first admitted to. I told her I appreciated that she was honest about the stealing, though I did not like her that she lied about how much. I had her make the (rather lengthy) list of the times stolen.
Later I asked DS about it. He immediately told me he didn't do it, it was all his sister. I knew he was lying, told him so, and sent him to his room to come back when he could be honest. 5 minutes later he was back, and admitted his role in the thefts. I told him I didn't like that he lied immediately and was ready to make his sister take the blame. I think he figured that since we all know she steals anyway, it would be easy to let her take the fall.
I brought them both in, told them they were both equally guilty, and both forgiven. We discussed that the items themselves were unimportant (I certainly can do without the chocolate :) but that the loss of trust was a huge thing. This was a new one for us - in the past, they have been tattlers, not co-conspirators. Now they are in cahoots. I will be less comfortable with them home alone now. I guess I should be grateful they are cooperating rather than fighting?
What was really interesting was the difference in their responses. DS's remorse was complete and his tears genuine. It was easy to tell that he felt horrible for having stolen, for having lied, and most of all for losing my trust. We talked about how it felt having things he knew he shouldn't ("icky"), and whether that was worth the momentary pleasure. I can't say it will never happen again, but he will definitely think twice about the behavior. DD, on the other hand, said all the right words - she's learned them over the years - but it was obvious it didn't come from her heart. It was a role to play (she can even fake tears when the situation requires), but I don't expect any change in her behavior in the future. She will still steal, she will still lie, and she will still act offended that we could possibly suspect her of it. I don't know how to make this message impact her heart and values. I can only pray that over the years she will learn to curb her impulses, and be honest out of habit, if not personal morality.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Battle Ready
DS's anger episodes are increasing lately. We've had several incidents at school, as well as at home, where any small slight (real or imagined) results in a major blow up. Some have been fairly understandable, if disproportionate. For instance, I can see that he was at his breaking point after a girl in his literature group kept calling his team's ideas "stupid," and then a kid on the bus insulted his choice of football team. I don't blame him for being steamed. However, screaming that he hates everyone, he has no friends, that he hates the principal, and that he wants to kill the entire 5th grade class.... not so appropriate. We are fortunate that the staff is being understanding, and making allowance for his RAD issues, but I worry about when they say enough is enough. It is, after all, a private school's prerogative to eject anyone the find to be too disruptive.
Sometimes it's something so minor, that I can't figure out where we turned the nasty corner. A round of joking around can suddenly turn dark. Correcting an incorrect spelling word leads to glares. And let's not even discuss his reaction to any sports situation in which he feels slighted. It's like the proverbial walking on eggshells. And then, once he decides to be mad, it's like a battle of wills while he tries to prove that nothing can make him let go of his anger. He might start to smile over something briefly, but then he'll ruthlessly smother it in order to head back to his mood. Sometimes the raging can last for an hour. And while his classmates have been understanding so far, it's starting to come back to bite him, big time.
We're trying a different tack lately. We've acknowledged to him that yes, he's correct, there is no way we can "make" him choose to shake himself out of his anger when it strikes. We can give suggestions, offer tools and techniques, try to make him laugh, and finally impose consequences (or let natural consequences happen) for the choices he makes, but we can't make him do it. But then, if he is going to complain and cry that he doesn't want anger to be his issue, then he needs to actively choose to do otherwise. Choose to unclench the fists, choose to lighten his gaze, choose to steer in a new direction.
He's a smart kid, so I don't doubt he can understand the concept. And I know that he's capable of stifling it when the other option is to lose a privilege. But I want him to be able to chose it for himself, not just because he doesn't want to lose something. We've told him that in the long run, the one he's hurting the most is himself. We've talked about the fact that he stiffens whenever we compliment him, like he feels he doesn't deserve it. We've talked about how sometimes it seems safer to push people away with anger than to trust them. It's hard to reconcile the sweet, funny kid who was just over here giggling and hugging me with the furious child with the darkness behind the eyes. (Another interesting thing I've noted - that "darkness" is hard to explain to people, but RAD parents all seem to know what I mean. And if someone's seen it once, they understand completely)
Often we see these spikes when something has happened at school that's bugging him. I always ask if there's something he'd like to discuss. He always says no. Generally, if I can work with him for a while, it will come out eventually. Last night, before bed, I held him and talked gently to him about my observations, while refused to make eye contact, and only answered with nods and head-shakes. Finally he admitted that a friend had reported someone else's insult, which hurt his feelings. I told him I understood, and he had every right to be insulted. We talked about putting someone else's opinion in perspective, and about how passing on his anger to the next person only created more pain and anger, whereas passing on smiles resulted in more smiles. Eventually he calmed and was ready for bed.
I know I'm dreaming if I think this will immediately change everything for the better. This is only one battle in a very long war. I am battle weary, and he is always "battle ready." But I hope that bit-by-bit, hug-by-hug, talk-by-talk, we will build him up a little bit more, so that eventually he can do this on his own.
Sometimes it's something so minor, that I can't figure out where we turned the nasty corner. A round of joking around can suddenly turn dark. Correcting an incorrect spelling word leads to glares. And let's not even discuss his reaction to any sports situation in which he feels slighted. It's like the proverbial walking on eggshells. And then, once he decides to be mad, it's like a battle of wills while he tries to prove that nothing can make him let go of his anger. He might start to smile over something briefly, but then he'll ruthlessly smother it in order to head back to his mood. Sometimes the raging can last for an hour. And while his classmates have been understanding so far, it's starting to come back to bite him, big time.
We're trying a different tack lately. We've acknowledged to him that yes, he's correct, there is no way we can "make" him choose to shake himself out of his anger when it strikes. We can give suggestions, offer tools and techniques, try to make him laugh, and finally impose consequences (or let natural consequences happen) for the choices he makes, but we can't make him do it. But then, if he is going to complain and cry that he doesn't want anger to be his issue, then he needs to actively choose to do otherwise. Choose to unclench the fists, choose to lighten his gaze, choose to steer in a new direction.
He's a smart kid, so I don't doubt he can understand the concept. And I know that he's capable of stifling it when the other option is to lose a privilege. But I want him to be able to chose it for himself, not just because he doesn't want to lose something. We've told him that in the long run, the one he's hurting the most is himself. We've talked about the fact that he stiffens whenever we compliment him, like he feels he doesn't deserve it. We've talked about how sometimes it seems safer to push people away with anger than to trust them. It's hard to reconcile the sweet, funny kid who was just over here giggling and hugging me with the furious child with the darkness behind the eyes. (Another interesting thing I've noted - that "darkness" is hard to explain to people, but RAD parents all seem to know what I mean. And if someone's seen it once, they understand completely)
Often we see these spikes when something has happened at school that's bugging him. I always ask if there's something he'd like to discuss. He always says no. Generally, if I can work with him for a while, it will come out eventually. Last night, before bed, I held him and talked gently to him about my observations, while refused to make eye contact, and only answered with nods and head-shakes. Finally he admitted that a friend had reported someone else's insult, which hurt his feelings. I told him I understood, and he had every right to be insulted. We talked about putting someone else's opinion in perspective, and about how passing on his anger to the next person only created more pain and anger, whereas passing on smiles resulted in more smiles. Eventually he calmed and was ready for bed.
I know I'm dreaming if I think this will immediately change everything for the better. This is only one battle in a very long war. I am battle weary, and he is always "battle ready." But I hope that bit-by-bit, hug-by-hug, talk-by-talk, we will build him up a little bit more, so that eventually he can do this on his own.
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