Little Answers

So often we are told that the Lord answers prayers in His own time, in His own way, and that we need to have patience as we wait for His will to unfold in our lives. But then there are the times when we get our answer right away.

Last fall, we had a short-term foster placement for a family of 7 children, ages 2 to 16. It was actually a blast sharing our home with these great kids, and it was fascinating getting to know their individual personalities. The hardest nut to crack was the then-13-yr-old boy. When he arrived, he seemed sullen, resentful, and my first thoughts on meeting him were, "Oh great, a grumpy teenager." But once he opened up, something about him just resonated with me. Here he was, in a tough situation, caught between childhood and manhood, and he had a great, wry sense of humor and excellent perception. One of those kids where you know they could easily go either way as they get older, depending on the influences in their lives and how they respond. Basically, I just liked him.

Well, foster care being what it is, I never had the chance to share my positive impressions with him, and I've always regretted that. I feel it's so important to let kids know they are valued, especially when many things in their lives might be telling them otherwise, and this omission weighed on me. We still have some association with this family, however, and last night I found myself saying a brief prayer that the Lord would take care of them, and guide me towards ways I could help and support them, however that might be. A few minutes later I was in their driveway to pick up one of his older siblings, and surprisingly this now-14-year-old comes out of the house (in the pouring rain) to poke his head in the car to say hi. I saw an opportunity and grabbed it, and told him briefly what a neat kid I think he is, and how much potential he has. Typical teen response was a monosyllabic "yeah," (not dismissively, rather more like, "of course, I knew that.") I then said, "you'll make me proud, right?" Another "yeah," and a smile, and he was on his way.

Now, this won't make the record books for the most expressive and incisive conversation ever held with a teenager, but I feel good about it. The timing, coming so shortly on the heels of my prayer, seemed too coincidental to be accidental. There was no reason for him to have come out to the car in the first place, he's never done so before, and yet there he was. I don't begin to understand the Lord's plan for this family, but I know He has one, and am thankful my husband and I have had the opportunity to be a small part of it.

We Now Return to our Regularly Scheduled Chaos

OK, I just realized how long it's been since I've blogged. Thank goodness the Olympics is over. I love them, don't get me wrong, but they suck me in! I find myself late at night waiting to see the results of men's beach volleyball. I don't even care about men's beach volleyball, but I can't help myself. Then I find myself watching the medal ceremonies. And the commentary. And then the next event comes on, etc. Yesterday I was watching Ping Pong! So of course, I've been staring at the latest results at the time I would normally have been blogging and....

I'm also behind on my blog reading, too, so I feel like I'm missing out on the latest in everyone's lives. But this week I hope to get back on track.

Life has been good. Abilify seems to be helping DS. We did decide to switch to the higher dose (5 mg). We figured from what he was reporting there was definite positive improvement, but that he could use just a little more help. He reported several times when he wanted to hit someone or run off, but stopped and made a different choice. That's what he needed more than anything - a chance to do that "gut check" that told him the right course of action.

Now we're getting ready for the new school year. I'm optimistic about the switch to the new school, but of course that means training a whole new set of personnel. Well, the more people we educate about FASD, the better, right?

Well, I should be back on track from now on. Except, my favorite event of the year is right now.... State Fair! We love it. So, I guess there are a couple more nights I might not be checking in. But at least I'll have cheese curds and corn dogs!

Experience with Abilify and EMDR?

We took DS to the psychiatrist today, and I was so pleased that she was willing to squeeze us in (I don't know that she is even taking new patients, except that she has seen DD for so many years.) She really took our concerns seriously, and we are hopeful we will be able to find some answers soon.

To start, she put him on Abilify, and recommended some Sensory Integration therapy or EMDR therapy. The Abilify is a very low dose (2.5 mg), and hopefully this will give him some sense of control. He actually seemed relieved to be getting something to help - I think this was worrying him even more than he has admitted. Maybe even just feeling like he's getting somewhere will help somewhat. We've warned him, though, that there are no guarantees, and we may have to do some trial and error before we have the right solution for him.

She also recommended EMDR Therapy - I'd heard of it before, but don't really know much about it. If anybody has some experience with it, please let me know what you thought.

We spent the weekend camping with friends not far from home, and had a great time. Their kids are 2, 3 1/2, and 5. I know they appreciated that our older children could act as supervisors and entertainers for their kids at the nearby playground. By Sunday morning, DS commented, "Little kids exhaust me!" Cause of course he's so old at 10!

I was thrilled when DD made a gender appropriate, age appropriate friend at camp (another 11-yr-old girl), and was enjoying the standard giggly girl relationship. She hasn't had much of this, as she has been the outsider in many of the cliques at school.

This week I am working from home while DS reads, does schoolwork, or cleans house. He's not thrilled about his list of chores, but I figure he needs to do something with his time, and playing is not one of the options. Now if only I could get the, "Mom, mom, mom, mom...." reflex under control!

Here We Go Again...

Well, our little "calm spell" didn't last long. By 11:30 AM on Thursday, I received a call that DS was raging again, worse than ever, and that I had to come pick him up. Turns out he had headed out to play baseball, and when the director questioned him (knowing I had banned him from competitive sports for a while because they are a major trigger for him), he lied and said I had told him it was OK. Well, it wasn't and he didn't handle it.

When I came in, he was just glowering with a darkness I haven't seen before. He raged at me for over an hour, off and on. Just when I'd get him calmed down, in my lap, hugging and talking quietly, he'd start raging full blown again, and I had to put him back in a hold. His biggest trigger? When I would tell him we loved him and that he is a great kid. He kept screaming, "I don't want you to love me," and, "I don't deserve love." Finally I got him stabilized and brought him home.

This same kid came home and was very contrite. He calmly accepted his consequences (a very long time out and grounding), didn't argue when told to go to bed early. He knew he'd screwed up and was in trouble and accepted the punishment. I went out to get DD from day camp, and came home to him calling out happily from upstairs, "Hi, Mom!" Today, I am home with him, and will be for the next week because they won't let him come back to day camp for a week. (I am fortunate to have a very understanding boss, that I am able to work from here.) DS understands that this won't be a fun time. Reading, sitting, writing, homework, cleaning. But I know to him, spending 6 full days with mom is a reward (and in some ways I'm glad he thinks of it that way), but I don't want him rewarded for the behavior. Frankly the satisfaction of providing consequences is missing when he wants them.

I think what scares me most about his rages is how much, at the time, he means it. When DD (FASD) rages, she shouts hateful things, but it's obvious she doesn't believe them and is just doing it to get attention. When DS rages, you know that at that moment he means it with every cell in his body. He says that the things he yells are the things the voices are telling him.

I'm trying to find him help, but everything is so long term. Everyone offers therapy, which is great, I'm all for therapy, but it's a long-term solution. I need him to be able to function outside the house, at school and day care, in the next couple of weeks. I hope the psychologist will be able to help us on Monday. It's so odd that in the space of 1 1/2 months, our son would go from a sweet, cheerful boy with an occasional bout with temper, to a rager who isn't safe around others.

He is a very cheerful, happy boy today. You would not connect him to the raging child I found yesterday. The hateful things he yelled from the darkest depths of his soul were scary and disturbing. Yesterday he hated me with a vengeance and wished he'd never met us. Just now he was sitting on the floor at my feet, licking my elbow like a dog as I typed, hugging my arm, kissing my hand, telling me he just wanted to be with me. (Yeah, like I need him reading this over my shoulder!) He is such a sweetheart most of the time, and his true nature is to be caring, empathetic, and helpful. I just wish I could get him to see the same wonderful traits in himself that we see in him.

Cindy linked to this great article on inducement that made a lot of sense. I can totally see this in DS - pushing us away because trusting us is just too scary. And I know we have it pretty easy - only one going through this. Bless you families out there who weather the storms of 10, 20 or more of these children, often simultaneously. We draw our strength from you, as well as a reminder of how blessed we really are.

Tag, You're It

I had a quiet day at home today with DS. Did the grocery shopping, worked in the office while he read all morning. He didn't whine about it, and kept his "Mom? Mom? Mom?" questions to a minimum. Tonight he was very nervous and goofy at school registration (he's very unsure about the school switch, though I'm sure he'll like it once he settles in), but otherwise it was a very calm day.

Which means that last night, sometime, they must have agreed to a switch. DD woke up grumpy about having to get out of bed. Outside her door were several articles of clothing which I had found while doing laundry which were inside out. My rule is that I won't wash them, and they have to wait for the next load. You would have thought the world was going to end because she would have to live without 2 T-shirts and 2 pairs of socks for a week.

Then when told to get dressed, she sat in front of 2 drawers full of shorts, skorts, and pedal pushers and complained there wasn't anything she could wear. This is a ploy of hers when she knows I'm in the middle of the laundry cycle, in the hopes she can pull something she prefers out of the clean-but-not-yet-folded basket. Nope. I told her to pick, or I would pick for her. When after several minutes of whining she insisted, "I won't wear pedal pushers today," guess what I decided she was wearing. After she finished her screaming fit, she got a lecture on how there are many kids who would be thrilled with a fraction of the clothing that she has, and we are not going to play the Pampered Princess game just because her favorites aren't available.

Every day our kids read for 40 minutes, and they make up the time they miss for other activities. Last night they didn't read because of DD's gymnastics class and our neighborhood's National Night Out get-together, so when DD finished her first round this afternoon, I sent her off to start her make-up round. Much joy and happiness ensued (NOT!) Sigh, I guess it's her turn now.

Oh, and I discovered that for the last few months, she has been slowly eating 1/2 a tube of toothpaste I left in the downstairs bath for guests. This explains why every time she's in there, she takes forever, but when we tell her to hurry up, I immediately hear the drawer slam shut and the toilet flush. She had claimed she was brushing her hair, or that I was imagining things, but I never dreamed she'd been eating the toothpaste. So much for leaving that there for guests. She actually took this lecture in stride, even when it cost her $1 of allowance money.

OK, This Just Made Me Giggle

I stumbled on this blog, which is proof that there are some people even more design-clueless than I am!

http://lovelylisting.blogspot.com/

Whew! Made It!

Well, we survived another day. DS went to day camp today - I was pretty nervous that I would be receiving a call within an hour. They've actually been very understanding and patient - I couldn't ask for a better group with whom to work - but I wouldn't have blamed them if they didn't want him there today. I got a call about 11 AM that he was doing great, and had even taken the initiative to go to the office to cool off when he was starting to get too upset.

I think one of the keys is attitude - he admitted that for a while, he was out to prove how we couldn't make him calm himself. We've always told him that we could give him every tool we could think of, but he was the one who had to make the choice to use them. Today, he made that choice. I don't know if that will be true on other days, though.

Tomorrow he is not allowed to go on the field trip - it is to the county fair, and they are understandably nervous that he will run in that crowded setting. So I will be working from home, and I'm fortunate to be working for an understanding boss. DS wanted to know if he could play outside tomorrow (no), watch movies (no), or play board & card games (no). It's going to be reading and sitting, and maybe some math review for variety. Sorry bud, you don't keep mom home from work for a day and get rewarded with playtime. We have therapy in the afternoon, though, and hopefully we will find some direction.

In the meantime, DD is doing just great! Still socially unaware, but we haven't had problems at day camp all summer. She's even started focusing in gymnastics class again (for the most part, anyway). I swear they go in the back room and agree to take turns causing problems!

Riding the Roller Coaster

Well, after this morning's drama, things just went downhill. I got DS calmed down for the morning, but by early afternoon I received a call that he had lost it again. When I called back, he first refused to come to the phone, then accused the counselor of lying about my being on the phone. Got him calmed down again, and hoped that would be the end of it.

I got an appointment for therapy for him, and called to check on which day would be the field trip, to try to avoid a conflict. Turns out he was raging again, running down the halls, hiding, shouting, and just darkly angry. In the words of the director, "I've never seen this much darkness in him." Tried to get DH to go get him, but couldn't reach him, so I started packing my stuff. By this time I was barely holding back tears, and when someone asked me if I was ok, I just lost it (I've never been good about lying and saying I'm OK when I'm not). My boss was very understanding, telling me I can work from home however long I need to in order to get this straightened out, but I felt terrible breaking down in front of him. At that point DH called to say he was home, but I knew I wouldn't be any good at work anyway.

Got him picked up - when I got there, he had snuck out the back and was happily playing football with some of the staff. I had specifically asked that he not play any aggressive games this week, because they seem to set him off. He stalked his way back to the car, and when we were almost home, he told me he was at "Black." I told him that I wanted him to get to at least orange before we got out of the car, and in a block and a half he was back to Blue/Yellow. Turning on a dime.

Got inside, tried to get him to write what he was feeling (nothing) and destressed with DH, then went to talk to DS. In a short time he went from being somewhat OK to being furious because, "You won't answer my question," even though I'd told him I didn't have an answer. DS started to hurt himself, and persisted through my countdown and warning, so I had to restrain him. What's odd is that it really seemed like he wanted to test to make sure I meant it. He finally calmed, and afterwards admitted that he really wanted to be held and pushed me to get that. That he feels safer when he's in a hold. I told him that's not unusual, but that I would happily hold him in calmer moments without having to deal with the rage. I asked him that if he closed his eyes, would it sound like there was someone in the room talking to him, or would it just be in his head, and he said it was like someone in the room. I realize that he is trying to verbalize something he doesn't understand, and may be describing it poorly, but I don't believe at all that he is making this up. DH is more skeptical, but I can read DS pretty well when he's lying.

In a matter of minutes, he'd switched to giddy-happy. Giggly, goofy, teasingly saying, "no" when I asked him to do something. He's done this before, and will get pouty if we tell him he's pushing the teasing too far. So when he wouldn't come for a hug (handed me a pillow telling me, "this is me") I held the pillow, talked to it, told it I loved it, rocked it like a baby, sang to it. Played a little patty cake with his feet. Soon he wanted the hugs, and holding. Even wanted me to sing to him. I told him that if I'd had a baby, I would have sung a lot of lullabies (I do a lot of singing). He asked me to sing one, then when I finished asked for another. It calmed him, and he said it made him feel safe.

Later, when I tried to tell him what a great kid he was, how I loved him, he kept giving little jerks of his head (did that again at bedtime). I asked him what it was, and he said the voice was saying, "no" every time I said something nice. I told him the voice is lying.

We're trying to get help - therapy scheduled for Wednesday. DD has a psychologist appt. on Monday that she doesn't really need (maintaining well), and this psychologist takes months to get into, so I'm trying to do a little bait and switch. I want to find some stability before school starts! This is not how we need to start his year at the new school!

Thank you for your support. Sometimes it's just nice to know there are others listening, and that I'm not alone. I really wonder if this is either RAD related, or maybe even a mild manic-depressive state. He's done the giddy-goofy thing a lot, especially when nervous, or getting over a rage, and it just never occured to me that it might be a symptom of something. We just chalked it up to 10-yr-old boy goofiness. Now I'm trying to look at his recent behavior and identify patterns - anything to help us understand what is going on and get him help.

Help Me!!!

OK, I know there aren't many of you, but I hope some of you will have experience upon which I can draw.

DS has been raging lately. A lot. Every time something frustrates him, someone tells him "no," or he loses at a game, he gets so angry. The darkness behind his eyes is scary. He yells such hateful things, not just against us, but against himself. We've been at our wits end with trying to reason with him. Usually he is so logical, can talk about his feelings, and he responds to consequences with an improvement in behavior. This has been so unlike him lately. We've suspected depression and have been working on getting appointments set up, but insurance issues have plagued us.

This morning we had just such a rage (in the back seat of our van, in front of daycare. Oh joy...) Finally when I got him calmed down, we started talking about what was going on. For the first time, I asked the right question - do you hear someone telling you these hateful things? He admitted that yes, he is hearing voices - not thoughts, but external voices telling him to fight, telling him to hate, and telling him he's not worth loving. Oh boy...

I am already trying to get some psych history on birthdad from the social worker (who is out for a few days), and going to work on a psychiatrist appointment (she has a long waiting list, but DD has an appointment next week, and I'm going to see if I can do a bait and switch). But if any of you have had any experience with this, I would love your insight and advice. The Lord will guide us through this, I know, and help this wonderful boy, but right now I'm scared for him, too.