Here is DD's typical reaction when caught in the act:
And here is DS's typical reaction when told "no":
(Ok, technically the second one is a LolPenguin...)
Monday, June 29, 2009
My Children in LolCats...
Both these came up today, and there's one for each child:
Here is DD's typical reaction when caught in the act:
And here is DS's typical reaction when told "no":
(Ok, technically the second one is a LolPenguin...)
Here is DD's typical reaction when caught in the act:
And here is DS's typical reaction when told "no":
(Ok, technically the second one is a LolPenguin...)
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A New Perspective
Nothing much new in my world today - DS still angry at everything (hissy fit because he didn't get any strikes at bowling), DD still acting oddly (hissy fit at classmate's "water" themed birthday party because she was getting wet - duh???), me still not getting enough stuff done around the house.
The one person I don't write about a lot is my wonderful husband. The thing is, without his encouragement, I never would have started writing. Without his support, I wouldn't survive long enough to have anything to write ;-) Until now, I have called him "DH," but I am going to switch to calling him Jeff, since that's his name (duh, again), and since he now has his own blog. And as he said, since we are both using our real first names, it's a little silly to keep using nicknames.
You can get his introduction here: Ramblings of an FAS Dad
Jeff has a very different perspective on things than I do. First of all, he's male (of course), and that puts our experiences in a different light. But more importantly (for the purposes of blogging), he writes from the perspective of an adoptee, as well as an adoptive parent. Even more importantly, he writes from the perspective of one with (suspected) FASD. I say suspected because there really is no way to prove it. It didn't become apparent to us until we started researching DD's disability, and lots of pieces started falling into place.
When I first met Jeff, I knew only that he was adopted, and that he was different from any man I'd met previously. His focus and devotion to our relationship were so amazing, that at first I thought something was "wrong." I mean, here was the first man with whom I didn't feel I had to work to prove I was worthy. I didn't have to worry about when I would say the wrong thing and make him leave. This threw me for a loop at first, but within a couple of months I was falling in love.
As I learned more about him, I heard about the difficulties he had childhood. Rages, holes punched in walls, troubles in school, food stealing, and (later in life) difficulties with money management. His parents had handled this with some of the same strategies we use - consistent expectations, clear boundaries, consequences, etc. But they did not have the benefit of support we do now. There was no diagnosis of FASD at that point - especially not in the rural area in which they live. And of course there was no internet!
After we adopted DS, and began learning more about FASD, some pieces started falling into place. First it was a hunch (some of the behaviors seemed to match), then it was a suspicion (he has the FASD "look" in his childhood pictures), then it became a strong likelihood (his parents started reading about FASD, and saw him in it). We don't have any way to be certain, of course, but there are so many pieces that fit. And I think it has brought a sense of comfort - to Jeff because he now has an explanation for some of the things he faced, and to his parents because they now know they were dealing with brain damage, not something they had done "wrong" as parents.
But that's his story. I want to tell you how blessed I am to be married to him. On the surface, our relationship wouldn't seem to make sense. A big city girl from CA and a small-town boy from the midwest. Our social and educational backgrounds are very different. But love and relationships are about more than history or "book smarts," and his unwavering support of me are more precious than anything in this world. After the bumps and bruises in my childhood, I most needed a spouse whose love I could trust unwaveringly, and I have that in spades. I guess we just complement each other in so many ways. Isn't it amazing how God does that???? And I know I get the better end of this deal - just look at what he did for our anniversary!
I think the thing we, as parents of FASD children, can gain most from his perspective is a sense of hope. We so often hear only the "bad news" - the things that can go wrong, the jail statistics - that we have the feeling that we are bailing the ocean with a dixie cup. But his story isn't bad news. He is gainfully employed, well respected, and the most amazing husband and father anyone could ask for. I know he has a hard time believing the best of himself (an attachment disorder holdover), but I will never stop telling him how blessed I am to have him in my life.
Have I gushed enough? Will you go say hi to him? Send him my everlasting love ;-)
The one person I don't write about a lot is my wonderful husband. The thing is, without his encouragement, I never would have started writing. Without his support, I wouldn't survive long enough to have anything to write ;-) Until now, I have called him "DH," but I am going to switch to calling him Jeff, since that's his name (duh, again), and since he now has his own blog. And as he said, since we are both using our real first names, it's a little silly to keep using nicknames.
You can get his introduction here: Ramblings of an FAS Dad
Jeff has a very different perspective on things than I do. First of all, he's male (of course), and that puts our experiences in a different light. But more importantly (for the purposes of blogging), he writes from the perspective of an adoptee, as well as an adoptive parent. Even more importantly, he writes from the perspective of one with (suspected) FASD. I say suspected because there really is no way to prove it. It didn't become apparent to us until we started researching DD's disability, and lots of pieces started falling into place.
When I first met Jeff, I knew only that he was adopted, and that he was different from any man I'd met previously. His focus and devotion to our relationship were so amazing, that at first I thought something was "wrong." I mean, here was the first man with whom I didn't feel I had to work to prove I was worthy. I didn't have to worry about when I would say the wrong thing and make him leave. This threw me for a loop at first, but within a couple of months I was falling in love.
As I learned more about him, I heard about the difficulties he had childhood. Rages, holes punched in walls, troubles in school, food stealing, and (later in life) difficulties with money management. His parents had handled this with some of the same strategies we use - consistent expectations, clear boundaries, consequences, etc. But they did not have the benefit of support we do now. There was no diagnosis of FASD at that point - especially not in the rural area in which they live. And of course there was no internet!
After we adopted DS, and began learning more about FASD, some pieces started falling into place. First it was a hunch (some of the behaviors seemed to match), then it was a suspicion (he has the FASD "look" in his childhood pictures), then it became a strong likelihood (his parents started reading about FASD, and saw him in it). We don't have any way to be certain, of course, but there are so many pieces that fit. And I think it has brought a sense of comfort - to Jeff because he now has an explanation for some of the things he faced, and to his parents because they now know they were dealing with brain damage, not something they had done "wrong" as parents.
But that's his story. I want to tell you how blessed I am to be married to him. On the surface, our relationship wouldn't seem to make sense. A big city girl from CA and a small-town boy from the midwest. Our social and educational backgrounds are very different. But love and relationships are about more than history or "book smarts," and his unwavering support of me are more precious than anything in this world. After the bumps and bruises in my childhood, I most needed a spouse whose love I could trust unwaveringly, and I have that in spades. I guess we just complement each other in so many ways. Isn't it amazing how God does that???? And I know I get the better end of this deal - just look at what he did for our anniversary!
I think the thing we, as parents of FASD children, can gain most from his perspective is a sense of hope. We so often hear only the "bad news" - the things that can go wrong, the jail statistics - that we have the feeling that we are bailing the ocean with a dixie cup. But his story isn't bad news. He is gainfully employed, well respected, and the most amazing husband and father anyone could ask for. I know he has a hard time believing the best of himself (an attachment disorder holdover), but I will never stop telling him how blessed I am to have him in my life.
Have I gushed enough? Will you go say hi to him? Send him my everlasting love ;-)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So Here We Are Again
I'm back at home this morning about 1.5 hrs after I left. Went to deliver the kids to their day camp program on the way to work. (Yeah, in the normal world, people leave their 11 & 12 yr. olds home alone during the day. I don't live in that world. Other people think I'm weird for not trusting them. They don't know my kids.)
Anyway, yesterday there was an incident with DS and another child. They were arguing over a game in the gym, and DS punched the other kid, giving him a black eye. The director called me, discussed their actions, and was very realistic about it. They know that these things do happen (not that it's OK), that DS was very apologetic and remorseful afterwards, and that the kids had made up and moved on within the hour. We were in agreement that they would provide whatever consequences deemed appropriate (loss of gym privileges next week), we would provide our own at home (3 days of grounding, apology note, 200 lines of "I will not hurt other people when I'm mad", and loss of treat day next Wed. @ day camp), and the issue would be closed and ready to move on. They have been extremely understanding this year, especially considering what we went through at the end of last summer, and have commented repeatedly on what a great kid he is. They know his history, and how far he has come over the years.
Well, I found out this morning that the other Dad is furious. He wants DS pulled out of the program or other discipline, or he is threatening to press assault charges. He will not acknowledge that his child might have had a part in the argument. That doesn't make DS's behavior OK by a long shot, but at least be realistic enough to know that no kid acts in a vacuum. Apparently he's already discussed this with the police enough to have determined that this counts as an "assault." Great. Just what we need.
The program directors were ready to stand behind us and their decision. I appreciated that, and as I was leaving decided that we'd better call DS in together to discuss his loss of gym privileges, just so I could help prevent some of the fallout. Well, I could tell right away that he was getting mad, so I reminded him to use his tricks to get back on track. It continued. I tried rubbing his back and holding him. It continued. I suggested he needed to be headed in a different direction before I would feel comfortable leaving, and he growled, "I'm fine!" (Oh yeah, that convinced me...) Hard glares, fierce movements, clenched fists, quivering neck muscles. After several minutes of this, and the failure of all my attempts to get him to turn a corner, I decided retreat was the better part of valor. I announced we were leaving for the day, and I would work from home (which, as you can see, I'm doing right now).
This did not go over well. I got howls, protests, and more "I'm FINE"s. He sat on the floor and started banging his head against the wall. Why does he think this is going to convince me? After grabbing his stuff, I asked him to come along with me, which he, of course, refused. I told him that if he wasn't up with me by the end of a 5 count, the next step was a fireman's carry out of the building, which I didn't figure he wanted in front of his buds. On one he finally got up, and I told him to hold my hand, and after another round of arguments he complied. Growled on the way out, "You hate me," and "You never believe me," and "You're always out to get me." Got him to the car, drove in silence to work (he plugged his ears when I turned on the radio - I ignored him), got my stuff, and headed home. Thank goodness I have an understanding boss and a laptop!
By the ride back, he'd calmed enough to talk (or at least listen). I told him about the threatened assault charge, and that sometimes I had to make decisions about what I felt was the best course of action. The choices I make may not always be what he would like, and they may not even be the correct ones in the long run, but I have to do what I feel is best under the circumstances. That's part of my job as a mom. He might have been fine, I don't know. But I couldn't run the risk that within a half hour I'd be getting a call about him doing something else, giving fuel to that dad's fire, and I just wasn't confident that wouldn't be the case.
Before we got home, DS apologized for the things he'd said and I forgave him. I reminded him again that we love him, and that he's a wonderful kid. He sees only his anger, and has little positive sense of self. He refuses to believe that the good stuff we say is true, and of course it's always easier to believe the bad than the good. Last night he was wailing, "Why do I have to get so angry?" He doesn't want to be this way, and the best I can do sometimes is love him, tell him the good stuff, and remind him that God has a plan for him in all this, even if we can't see it.
Right now DS is calmly reading on the sofa. I know he will be fine for the rest of the day - he always is in these circumstances. You would not think this was the same kid. And tomorrow he will be fine at day camp, too. I told the staff they can take credit for him being out today, if that smooths things over with the other dad. My ego won't be hurt. They said they are just going to let him know that DS will be out today, and not going on the field trip tomorrow. He doesn't need to know that I pulled him out voluntarily, and that DS had already decided several days ago to skip the trip tomorrow in favor of swimming lessons.
As I was letting my co-worker know that I was leaving, she asked, "How do you deal with that?" I wish I had answer. The best I can say is, "Pray a lot and hang on for the ride."
Anyway, yesterday there was an incident with DS and another child. They were arguing over a game in the gym, and DS punched the other kid, giving him a black eye. The director called me, discussed their actions, and was very realistic about it. They know that these things do happen (not that it's OK), that DS was very apologetic and remorseful afterwards, and that the kids had made up and moved on within the hour. We were in agreement that they would provide whatever consequences deemed appropriate (loss of gym privileges next week), we would provide our own at home (3 days of grounding, apology note, 200 lines of "I will not hurt other people when I'm mad", and loss of treat day next Wed. @ day camp), and the issue would be closed and ready to move on. They have been extremely understanding this year, especially considering what we went through at the end of last summer, and have commented repeatedly on what a great kid he is. They know his history, and how far he has come over the years.
Well, I found out this morning that the other Dad is furious. He wants DS pulled out of the program or other discipline, or he is threatening to press assault charges. He will not acknowledge that his child might have had a part in the argument. That doesn't make DS's behavior OK by a long shot, but at least be realistic enough to know that no kid acts in a vacuum. Apparently he's already discussed this with the police enough to have determined that this counts as an "assault." Great. Just what we need.
The program directors were ready to stand behind us and their decision. I appreciated that, and as I was leaving decided that we'd better call DS in together to discuss his loss of gym privileges, just so I could help prevent some of the fallout. Well, I could tell right away that he was getting mad, so I reminded him to use his tricks to get back on track. It continued. I tried rubbing his back and holding him. It continued. I suggested he needed to be headed in a different direction before I would feel comfortable leaving, and he growled, "I'm fine!" (Oh yeah, that convinced me...) Hard glares, fierce movements, clenched fists, quivering neck muscles. After several minutes of this, and the failure of all my attempts to get him to turn a corner, I decided retreat was the better part of valor. I announced we were leaving for the day, and I would work from home (which, as you can see, I'm doing right now).
This did not go over well. I got howls, protests, and more "I'm FINE"s. He sat on the floor and started banging his head against the wall. Why does he think this is going to convince me? After grabbing his stuff, I asked him to come along with me, which he, of course, refused. I told him that if he wasn't up with me by the end of a 5 count, the next step was a fireman's carry out of the building, which I didn't figure he wanted in front of his buds. On one he finally got up, and I told him to hold my hand, and after another round of arguments he complied. Growled on the way out, "You hate me," and "You never believe me," and "You're always out to get me." Got him to the car, drove in silence to work (he plugged his ears when I turned on the radio - I ignored him), got my stuff, and headed home. Thank goodness I have an understanding boss and a laptop!
By the ride back, he'd calmed enough to talk (or at least listen). I told him about the threatened assault charge, and that sometimes I had to make decisions about what I felt was the best course of action. The choices I make may not always be what he would like, and they may not even be the correct ones in the long run, but I have to do what I feel is best under the circumstances. That's part of my job as a mom. He might have been fine, I don't know. But I couldn't run the risk that within a half hour I'd be getting a call about him doing something else, giving fuel to that dad's fire, and I just wasn't confident that wouldn't be the case.
Before we got home, DS apologized for the things he'd said and I forgave him. I reminded him again that we love him, and that he's a wonderful kid. He sees only his anger, and has little positive sense of self. He refuses to believe that the good stuff we say is true, and of course it's always easier to believe the bad than the good. Last night he was wailing, "Why do I have to get so angry?" He doesn't want to be this way, and the best I can do sometimes is love him, tell him the good stuff, and remind him that God has a plan for him in all this, even if we can't see it.
Right now DS is calmly reading on the sofa. I know he will be fine for the rest of the day - he always is in these circumstances. You would not think this was the same kid. And tomorrow he will be fine at day camp, too. I told the staff they can take credit for him being out today, if that smooths things over with the other dad. My ego won't be hurt. They said they are just going to let him know that DS will be out today, and not going on the field trip tomorrow. He doesn't need to know that I pulled him out voluntarily, and that DS had already decided several days ago to skip the trip tomorrow in favor of swimming lessons.
As I was letting my co-worker know that I was leaving, she asked, "How do you deal with that?" I wish I had answer. The best I can say is, "Pray a lot and hang on for the ride."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Excuses, Excuses
So, it's been a while. I don't know why - I guess the rush of starting the summer routine, a lot of new activities, some health issues, and a new found addiction to Facebook. I guess for some reason, inspiration just hasn't hit me lately, and when it has, exhaustion has hit at the same time.
But that doesn't mean things are dull around here. Nosireee.... we seem to have stumbled into the lovely land of Preteen Angst. And I know this is just the beginning. Sigh...
For DD, it is taking the form of a general sort of "glumness" about everything. I suppose in some ways it was time for her to tone it down a bit, but I do miss her smile. It's all just so serious now. And when she's not being gloomy, she's telling us what she doesn't want to do. "I don't want to go to bed." "I don't want to take my pill" etc. etc. etc. Add in a generous dose of pouting over everything that is denied to her, and it's all fun. Hm... how many more years until 20?
For DS, it's more anger, over everything. Yesterday it was doing his daily reading before playtime. Two days ago it was because I told him to cut his spaghetti in the restaurant instead of slurping it in giant messy bites. Before that it was because I told him to remember to do a better job brushing his teeth in the morning because he still had gunk in them after brushing them twice that night. Before that it was having to put a shirt in the laundry. Any instruction that doesn't end with "go outside and play" results in glares, growls, snarls, and general grumpiness. Oh joy!
And, it's only 2 weeks into the summer program, and I've already received a call from the staff to let me know DS gave another kid a black eye over a fight over a game. I hope this isn't the start of another bad spell like we had last summer. DS insists he doesn't want that to happen, and I believe he is sincere. He's done a better job of taking the initiative to find a quiet spot when his anger flares until he has cooled off. But some days he just seems to want to wallow in it, and that's what drives me bonkers.
One new thing we've discovered about which I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. We've suspected for a while that DS has some mild sensory disintegration issues. Nothing debilitating that keeps him from functioning, but he has an extreme craving for touch, especially tickling or wrestling. He loves rough materials, and tight hugs, and things that buzz, etc. He's always been my cuddler, and will frequently ask (or demand) that I rub his back or scratch his arms lightly with my nails. If I don't do it voluntarily, he will grab my hand and do it himself (he loves my nails). I figure it's a natural response from a child who probably didn't get a whole lot of physical affection as an infant.
Sometimes I've used this to our advantage - when he's fidgety, rubbing his back will generally settle him down. Other times I've stopped him when he's getting towards the edge (and on our nerves) and given him a "strong hug," sometimes with his arms at his side to get that papoose feeling. Lately, I've been trying to remember to rub his arms or back when he's mad. When I remember, I get the most interesting response.
The other day, he was slipping into fury over something (I believe it was the tooth brushing incident), and was sitting on the bed for quite a while glaring, clenching his fists, and refusing to answer us. I reached over and started just rubbing his arm. Then I told him I'd rub his back if he'd move closer, which he did. A minute later, it was like a dam broke, and he was cuddling into me for a hug. I tried the same thing at his baseball game, where he started kicking and throwing things because he struck out. After 10 minutes of this, I sat next to him on the bench and just rubbed his back - he was out of it within 30 seconds. He even reported yesterday that he was angry at the summer program, but he went to his "calming spot" and rubbed his arms, which helped him calm himself.
It's the oddest thing - when he is in "anger mode," it's like this alien kid showed up and took over my sweet little boy's body. He gets stuck there for a long time. And then the rubbing is like flipping the switch to bring him back. I'm trying to work with it more, see when it works and when it doesn't (haven't had it not work yet), see what works best, and figure out a way for him to use this on his own.
So anyway, the search for solutions (and patience) continues. We still haven't found it yet!
But that doesn't mean things are dull around here. Nosireee.... we seem to have stumbled into the lovely land of Preteen Angst. And I know this is just the beginning. Sigh...
For DD, it is taking the form of a general sort of "glumness" about everything. I suppose in some ways it was time for her to tone it down a bit, but I do miss her smile. It's all just so serious now. And when she's not being gloomy, she's telling us what she doesn't want to do. "I don't want to go to bed." "I don't want to take my pill" etc. etc. etc. Add in a generous dose of pouting over everything that is denied to her, and it's all fun. Hm... how many more years until 20?
For DS, it's more anger, over everything. Yesterday it was doing his daily reading before playtime. Two days ago it was because I told him to cut his spaghetti in the restaurant instead of slurping it in giant messy bites. Before that it was because I told him to remember to do a better job brushing his teeth in the morning because he still had gunk in them after brushing them twice that night. Before that it was having to put a shirt in the laundry. Any instruction that doesn't end with "go outside and play" results in glares, growls, snarls, and general grumpiness. Oh joy!
And, it's only 2 weeks into the summer program, and I've already received a call from the staff to let me know DS gave another kid a black eye over a fight over a game. I hope this isn't the start of another bad spell like we had last summer. DS insists he doesn't want that to happen, and I believe he is sincere. He's done a better job of taking the initiative to find a quiet spot when his anger flares until he has cooled off. But some days he just seems to want to wallow in it, and that's what drives me bonkers.
One new thing we've discovered about which I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. We've suspected for a while that DS has some mild sensory disintegration issues. Nothing debilitating that keeps him from functioning, but he has an extreme craving for touch, especially tickling or wrestling. He loves rough materials, and tight hugs, and things that buzz, etc. He's always been my cuddler, and will frequently ask (or demand) that I rub his back or scratch his arms lightly with my nails. If I don't do it voluntarily, he will grab my hand and do it himself (he loves my nails). I figure it's a natural response from a child who probably didn't get a whole lot of physical affection as an infant.
Sometimes I've used this to our advantage - when he's fidgety, rubbing his back will generally settle him down. Other times I've stopped him when he's getting towards the edge (and on our nerves) and given him a "strong hug," sometimes with his arms at his side to get that papoose feeling. Lately, I've been trying to remember to rub his arms or back when he's mad. When I remember, I get the most interesting response.
The other day, he was slipping into fury over something (I believe it was the tooth brushing incident), and was sitting on the bed for quite a while glaring, clenching his fists, and refusing to answer us. I reached over and started just rubbing his arm. Then I told him I'd rub his back if he'd move closer, which he did. A minute later, it was like a dam broke, and he was cuddling into me for a hug. I tried the same thing at his baseball game, where he started kicking and throwing things because he struck out. After 10 minutes of this, I sat next to him on the bench and just rubbed his back - he was out of it within 30 seconds. He even reported yesterday that he was angry at the summer program, but he went to his "calming spot" and rubbed his arms, which helped him calm himself.
It's the oddest thing - when he is in "anger mode," it's like this alien kid showed up and took over my sweet little boy's body. He gets stuck there for a long time. And then the rubbing is like flipping the switch to bring him back. I'm trying to work with it more, see when it works and when it doesn't (haven't had it not work yet), see what works best, and figure out a way for him to use this on his own.
So anyway, the search for solutions (and patience) continues. We still haven't found it yet!
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