This isn't what I was planning on blogging tonight, but it's fresh on my mind, and I have to write it down.
We were gone over the holiday weekend and came home last night to 8 new messages. 8! I don't think we get that many messages normally in a month. One was from a friend of ours discussing upcoming plans, but the other seven were from some old "friends" of DD's from her old school, "SES". Now, these are girls DD claimed as friends, and they were some of the nicer girls in her class - definitely the "cool" kids. DD invited them to her birthday party one year, although the next year, when she mentioned inviting them, they announced they were already busy that day.... before the date had even been selected. The only contact DD has had with them since then was at SES's carnival last spring, where I watched them pretend to be nice, but then laugh behind her back. DD was oblivious to that, and was thrilled to see her old "friends."
Fortunately, we intercepted these messages while DD was out of the room, and she never heard them. When we realized what they were, we zipped through them, and I just finally listened to them in their entirety just now. Apparently a few of the girls were having a sleepover and must have run across our phone number. DD is perpetually giving it out to "friends" despite our admonition, and insists they asked for it. She is rarely called, though once or twice she has received genuine calls.
Anyway, the messages involved a lot of giggling and passing the phone back and forth, a lot of syrupy sweet, "oh we miss you," "school isn't the same without you," etc. And the most oft repeated was, "Please, please, please come to the SES carnival this year." The emphasis makes me certain that they are looking for another opportunity to laugh at her. They request that she call for a "play date," though even DD (despite being perpetually "behind the times"), no longer refers to them as play dates. They ask repeatedly for her to call them back, providing a cell phone number.
The thing is, had DD heard these messages, she would have fallen for this hook, line, and sinker. The subtle jibes and teasing would have been lost on her. She would have been impressed with how badly they wanted to talk to her, and insisted on calling immediately, bugging me until I relented. She would have started begging to attend the SES carnival this year. (the girls are in Jr. high now). I don't know if their intention was to laugh at her when she got there, or just laugh at the thought that DD might show up and not find these girls there to greet her with open arms as anticipated.
Attending the SES Carnival last year gave our kids closure, to see that they really had moved on from the old school. It worked well, particularly for DS, who realized he is happier at his new location than in his old, and quickly saw that he no longer felt at home at SES. He spent years pining after his Kindergarten school/classmates when we had to move him after only one year, so I feared he'd be really heartbroken over leaving SES after he'd attended for 4 years. Going to the carnival nipped it in the bud. When we left, both kids agreed it was sorta fun once, but a repeat visit was not necessary.
It bothers me that these girls are getting their kicks from laughing at DD's disability. They have never been told of her official diagnosis, or what that means, but having been in her class since 2nd grade, I'm certain they knew she was "different." I won't be passing the message on to DD. I don't see the point. Maybe I'm way off the mark here, and these girls' interests are pure-hearted, but I can live with that risk. DD is so much happier now, in her new school. The kids there truly do like her and accept her for who she is. I can't count the times I have watched older girls especially take the time to include her, to speak kindly to her, to laugh with her - it warms my heart. I have approached a few of them and told them how much I appreciate their including her, and every one has responded something along the lines of, "She's just so sweet, I love her!" And they mean it! Don't get me wrong, it's not paradise. DD will never be the center of the social scene, and won't be invited to every get-together, but at least she is not excluded from all of them. And she's not the punch line to the joke.
I'm not sure what the difference is. I believe a big part of it is the Christian environment of this school. Oh, I know, that's no guarantee, and it's not to say that non-Christian children and schools can't be supportive. I just think it changes the daily mindset and focus of these children, and Scripture serves as the basis for all the school lessons, discussions, and rules. Another difference is that while kids at the current school have seen a few of DD's micro-rages, they haven't seen near the number or intensity that those at her old school (i.e. - these 3 girls) had seen. The DD attending 7th grade is a far different child than the DD who attended 2nd grade at SES. Kids can have short memories, but generally that sort of behavior is hard to live down.
DD has been more open about her FASD with her friends in her current school (their response when she told them? "That's OK, that's just the way God made you."), and we have been able to share with more parents, some of whom have known us for years. That openness may help, too, since it's easier to be tolerant when you know the cause of the problem. I feel I can call any parent on the class list without reservation, whereas I knew very few of the parents at SES, and none whom I could call to discuss situations like this.
The messages have been deleted, and we will not tell DD about the calls. I saved the number. If the girls' desire to get together is legit, they will call back again. I won't be holding my breath, though.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I'll Be Back....
So, spending 5 hrs in the car gives you lots of time to compose blog posts in your head, but I'm not going to type them up tonight. However I do want to share one little anecdote with you.
Our nephew, a resident of IN, is 9 years old. Recently he was watching the news with his parents when Arnold Schwartzenegger came on. He watched for a while, then turned to his parents....
"That guy looks like the Terminator!"
Our nephew, a resident of IN, is 9 years old. Recently he was watching the news with his parents when Arnold Schwartzenegger came on. He watched for a while, then turned to his parents....
"That guy looks like the Terminator!"
Saturday, December 19, 2009
What's In A Name?
DD's class just finished reading "The Outsiders," and doing various types of analysis. DD did many of these short assignments on her own, and in general she did pretty well. I think it helped that they were broken into smaller, more manageable chunks, rather than the larger projects they are often assigned.
We did have some interesting ones, for instance, the opening line says something like, "I had two things on my mind when I walked out of the theater that sunny day: the movies, and Paul Newman." So when the assignment was to list the main characters in the book, and their role, the first one she listed was Paul Newman as the leader of the gang. Well, I suppose that cultural reference is going to become more and more obscure to the coming generations.
Last night's assignment was to answer three questions. The second one was, "How does the title of the book relate to the story? Can you think of a better title for the book and why?" (For those who haven't read this, it's written from the perspective of a teen aged gang member back in the 60's(?), talking about the tensions between the "greasers" (poor kids, delinquents) and the Socs (rich kids, but troublemakers)).
She sat there looking stumped, so I rephrased the question: "Why was the book named, "The Outsiders." DD's answer was, "Well, they spent a lot of time outside, for lunch and things."
Fortunately, once I talked her through what the teacher had in mind for each of the questions, she did a great job answering the questions on her own. Only minor editing were needed. This is huge progress!
We did have some interesting ones, for instance, the opening line says something like, "I had two things on my mind when I walked out of the theater that sunny day: the movies, and Paul Newman." So when the assignment was to list the main characters in the book, and their role, the first one she listed was Paul Newman as the leader of the gang. Well, I suppose that cultural reference is going to become more and more obscure to the coming generations.
Last night's assignment was to answer three questions. The second one was, "How does the title of the book relate to the story? Can you think of a better title for the book and why?" (For those who haven't read this, it's written from the perspective of a teen aged gang member back in the 60's(?), talking about the tensions between the "greasers" (poor kids, delinquents) and the Socs (rich kids, but troublemakers)).
She sat there looking stumped, so I rephrased the question: "Why was the book named, "The Outsiders." DD's answer was, "Well, they spent a lot of time outside, for lunch and things."
Fortunately, once I talked her through what the teacher had in mind for each of the questions, she did a great job answering the questions on her own. Only minor editing were needed. This is huge progress!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
So Much for Hope and Trust
Sigh... I thought we'd finally gotten to a really good place.
It looked like DD had turned a corner. That she was getting in control of some (note: not all) of her impulses. That something had finally clicked!
This summer, we had a steep decrease in the stealing incidents - just two or three all summer, and all very minor items. Not that it's any less "bad" if it's a small item, but at least it's a little less embarrassing. I made a point to praise her every so often for her continued not-stealing. I told her she should be proud of herself (hoping that if the pride came from within, the motivation would come from within as well). I started trusting her - stopped checking pockets and backpacks, stopped worrying when she went to a friend's house, stopped feeling I needed to check her desk regularly. The few times I did a quick spot check, just to be sure, I found nothing untoward.
Ha! Silly me!
So today, DS came in the door from the bus ahead of DD, with just enough time to give a quick report to Jeff before DD came in. He said this AM DD had gone upstairs at the neighbors house (they go there in the AM before the bus comes) to their 4-yr-old daughter's room. She came down saying that she "had been counting S's money." Later in the day, he saw her pay a kid at school $1 to get a Warhead (candy), even though she has no ready access to cash here at home (for just this reason).
After checking with the neighbor, I found out that this was her observation as well, and that DD had come down acting a little oddly, then immediately had to go to the bathroom. She'd spent the rest of the morning acting "squirrely," before heading to school. Upon inspection, it turned out DD had stolen $27 from S's bank upstairs.
I didn't say anything to DD about it right when I got home, as I knew DS was going to an evening activity, so I'd be able to confront her without the audience (it's always more fun for her to act dramatic and tortured when there's an audience). In the meantime, I quietly searched her backpack and located $16. After dropping DS off, I asked her, "So what do you need to tell me about?"
I'll give her credit - she did admit right away that she had stolen money, but the story was that she had stolen $8 from C (the classmate from whom she bought the candy). We actually went through several iterations of the story:
1) I stole $8 from C
2) I stole $16 from S and $8 from C
3) I stole $16 from S and $1 from C
4) I stole $21 from S and $1 from C
5) I stole $22 from S and $1 from C
6) The money is all in my desk
7) Well, except for the money in my folder, the money is in my desk
8) I stole $2 from C
And then she wonders why I never believe her! We went through similar denials/admissions regarding the box of pencils the neighbor also discovered missing (stolen a month ago, but she just made the connection now). And then, when I said I needed her locker combination so I could check it tomorrow, I got a song and dance about how she 1) was sharing a locker with another girl, in another grade, whose name she doesn't know 2) well, the girl only has her toothpaste in there 3) oh, the girl just got her own locker yesterday 4) I told her she could keep her toothpaste in my locker 5) she has no room left in her locker, so I told her she could keep her toothpaste in mine.
I told her my growing trust in her has been destroyed, and I am extremely disappointed in her for not only stealing and lying, but stealing from a 4-yr-old. I see no signs of remorse, only disappointment in getting caught. Oh, she'll say she feels bad, and there will probably be some crocodile tears, but nothing genuine.
She will make restitution, of course, and we haven't yet decided on the consequences. The thing that gets me, though, is that all the books say stealing is a part of FASD because these kids have no real understanding of ownership, or no impulse control. I could buy that when it was a pencil lent by a friend, or something found on the ground. All of it in the past has seemed very spur-of-the-moment.
But this was premeditated - she planned in advance to go upstairs to take the money. And she knew it was not hers - her guilty behavior afterwards shows she was aware of her transgression. So at what point do we say that this isn't the FASD, it is just her selfish decision to take what she wants, regardless of who it hurts? The stakes are getting higher. In the past, I could say that she never seemed to be interested in things of value - it was more of a magpie thing: bright shiny objects, treats, colorful things, office supplies, hair things - and what she took was worth almost nothing. Apparently, this is no longer the case.
Our neighbor has known DD since she arrived 6 years ago, and she knew of DD's stealing habit. But, like us, she was lulled into a false sense of security. The neighbor seems to be handling it well, but we are embarrassed that DD did this. She asked if we would get the true story from DD, and I had to admit we probably wouldn't. If we're lucky, we get something approximating the truth, but we have to go through so many permutations before we get there that we never have confidence that we know everything. I'm not even sure DD really remembers all the details in these situations.
For better or for worse, she's a really bad thief. Her poor planning and logical abilities really become apparent in these situations. Of course, while her creative thinking skills are very poor when it comes to schoolwork (where her logic wins out), they seem to be functioning just fine when she needs to come up with 8 different excuses for her behavior.
At least I have Dark Chocolate Moose Munch to help me calm my nerves. And DD came home with a box of Sees Dark Chocolates, too. Does my honey know me or what???
It looked like DD had turned a corner. That she was getting in control of some (note: not all) of her impulses. That something had finally clicked!
This summer, we had a steep decrease in the stealing incidents - just two or three all summer, and all very minor items. Not that it's any less "bad" if it's a small item, but at least it's a little less embarrassing. I made a point to praise her every so often for her continued not-stealing. I told her she should be proud of herself (hoping that if the pride came from within, the motivation would come from within as well). I started trusting her - stopped checking pockets and backpacks, stopped worrying when she went to a friend's house, stopped feeling I needed to check her desk regularly. The few times I did a quick spot check, just to be sure, I found nothing untoward.
Ha! Silly me!
So today, DS came in the door from the bus ahead of DD, with just enough time to give a quick report to Jeff before DD came in. He said this AM DD had gone upstairs at the neighbors house (they go there in the AM before the bus comes) to their 4-yr-old daughter's room. She came down saying that she "had been counting S's money." Later in the day, he saw her pay a kid at school $1 to get a Warhead (candy), even though she has no ready access to cash here at home (for just this reason).
After checking with the neighbor, I found out that this was her observation as well, and that DD had come down acting a little oddly, then immediately had to go to the bathroom. She'd spent the rest of the morning acting "squirrely," before heading to school. Upon inspection, it turned out DD had stolen $27 from S's bank upstairs.
I didn't say anything to DD about it right when I got home, as I knew DS was going to an evening activity, so I'd be able to confront her without the audience (it's always more fun for her to act dramatic and tortured when there's an audience). In the meantime, I quietly searched her backpack and located $16. After dropping DS off, I asked her, "So what do you need to tell me about?"
I'll give her credit - she did admit right away that she had stolen money, but the story was that she had stolen $8 from C (the classmate from whom she bought the candy). We actually went through several iterations of the story:
1) I stole $8 from C
2) I stole $16 from S and $8 from C
3) I stole $16 from S and $1 from C
4) I stole $21 from S and $1 from C
5) I stole $22 from S and $1 from C
6) The money is all in my desk
7) Well, except for the money in my folder, the money is in my desk
8) I stole $2 from C
And then she wonders why I never believe her! We went through similar denials/admissions regarding the box of pencils the neighbor also discovered missing (stolen a month ago, but she just made the connection now). And then, when I said I needed her locker combination so I could check it tomorrow, I got a song and dance about how she 1) was sharing a locker with another girl, in another grade, whose name she doesn't know 2) well, the girl only has her toothpaste in there 3) oh, the girl just got her own locker yesterday 4) I told her she could keep her toothpaste in my locker 5) she has no room left in her locker, so I told her she could keep her toothpaste in mine.
I told her my growing trust in her has been destroyed, and I am extremely disappointed in her for not only stealing and lying, but stealing from a 4-yr-old. I see no signs of remorse, only disappointment in getting caught. Oh, she'll say she feels bad, and there will probably be some crocodile tears, but nothing genuine.
She will make restitution, of course, and we haven't yet decided on the consequences. The thing that gets me, though, is that all the books say stealing is a part of FASD because these kids have no real understanding of ownership, or no impulse control. I could buy that when it was a pencil lent by a friend, or something found on the ground. All of it in the past has seemed very spur-of-the-moment.
But this was premeditated - she planned in advance to go upstairs to take the money. And she knew it was not hers - her guilty behavior afterwards shows she was aware of her transgression. So at what point do we say that this isn't the FASD, it is just her selfish decision to take what she wants, regardless of who it hurts? The stakes are getting higher. In the past, I could say that she never seemed to be interested in things of value - it was more of a magpie thing: bright shiny objects, treats, colorful things, office supplies, hair things - and what she took was worth almost nothing. Apparently, this is no longer the case.
Our neighbor has known DD since she arrived 6 years ago, and she knew of DD's stealing habit. But, like us, she was lulled into a false sense of security. The neighbor seems to be handling it well, but we are embarrassed that DD did this. She asked if we would get the true story from DD, and I had to admit we probably wouldn't. If we're lucky, we get something approximating the truth, but we have to go through so many permutations before we get there that we never have confidence that we know everything. I'm not even sure DD really remembers all the details in these situations.
For better or for worse, she's a really bad thief. Her poor planning and logical abilities really become apparent in these situations. Of course, while her creative thinking skills are very poor when it comes to schoolwork (where her logic wins out), they seem to be functioning just fine when she needs to come up with 8 different excuses for her behavior.
At least I have Dark Chocolate Moose Munch to help me calm my nerves. And DD came home with a box of Sees Dark Chocolates, too. Does my honey know me or what???
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