The Cruelty of Subtlety

This isn't what I was planning on blogging tonight, but it's fresh on my mind, and I have to write it down.

We were gone over the holiday weekend and came home last night to 8 new messages. 8! I don't think we get that many messages normally in a month. One was from a friend of ours discussing upcoming plans, but the other seven were from some old "friends" of DD's from her old school, "SES". Now, these are girls DD claimed as friends, and they were some of the nicer girls in her class - definitely the "cool" kids. DD invited them to her birthday party one year, although the next year, when she mentioned inviting them, they announced they were already busy that day.... before the date had even been selected. The only contact DD has had with them since then was at SES's carnival last spring, where I watched them pretend to be nice, but then laugh behind her back. DD was oblivious to that, and was thrilled to see her old "friends."

Fortunately, we intercepted these messages while DD was out of the room, and she never heard them. When we realized what they were, we zipped through them, and I just finally listened to them in their entirety just now. Apparently a few of the girls were having a sleepover and must have run across our phone number. DD is perpetually giving it out to "friends" despite our admonition, and insists they asked for it. She is rarely called, though once or twice she has received genuine calls.

Anyway, the messages involved a lot of giggling and passing the phone back and forth, a lot of syrupy sweet, "oh we miss you," "school isn't the same without you," etc. And the most oft repeated was, "Please, please, please come to the SES carnival this year." The emphasis makes me certain that they are looking for another opportunity to laugh at her. They request that she call for a "play date," though even DD (despite being perpetually "behind the times"), no longer refers to them as play dates. They ask repeatedly for her to call them back, providing a cell phone number.

The thing is, had DD heard these messages, she would have fallen for this hook, line, and sinker. The subtle jibes and teasing would have been lost on her. She would have been impressed with how badly they wanted to talk to her, and insisted on calling immediately, bugging me until I relented. She would have started begging to attend the SES carnival this year. (the girls are in Jr. high now). I don't know if their intention was to laugh at her when she got there, or just laugh at the thought that DD might show up and not find these girls there to greet her with open arms as anticipated.

Attending the SES Carnival last year gave our kids closure, to see that they really had moved on from the old school. It worked well, particularly for DS, who realized he is happier at his new location than in his old, and quickly saw that he no longer felt at home at SES. He spent years pining after his Kindergarten school/classmates when we had to move him after only one year, so I feared he'd be really heartbroken over leaving SES after he'd attended for 4 years. Going to the carnival nipped it in the bud. When we left, both kids agreed it was sorta fun once, but a repeat visit was not necessary.

It bothers me that these girls are getting their kicks from laughing at DD's disability. They have never been told of her official diagnosis, or what that means, but having been in her class since 2nd grade, I'm certain they knew she was "different." I won't be passing the message on to DD. I don't see the point. Maybe I'm way off the mark here, and these girls' interests are pure-hearted, but I can live with that risk. DD is so much happier now, in her new school. The kids there truly do like her and accept her for who she is. I can't count the times I have watched older girls especially take the time to include her, to speak kindly to her, to laugh with her - it warms my heart. I have approached a few of them and told them how much I appreciate their including her, and every one has responded something along the lines of, "She's just so sweet, I love her!" And they mean it! Don't get me wrong, it's not paradise. DD will never be the center of the social scene, and won't be invited to every get-together, but at least she is not excluded from all of them. And she's not the punch line to the joke.

I'm not sure what the difference is. I believe a big part of it is the Christian environment of this school. Oh, I know, that's no guarantee, and it's not to say that non-Christian children and schools can't be supportive. I just think it changes the daily mindset and focus of these children, and Scripture serves as the basis for all the school lessons, discussions, and rules. Another difference is that while kids at the current school have seen a few of DD's micro-rages, they haven't seen near the number or intensity that those at her old school (i.e. - these 3 girls) had seen. The DD attending 7th grade is a far different child than the DD who attended 2nd grade at SES. Kids can have short memories, but generally that sort of behavior is hard to live down.

DD has been more open about her FASD with her friends in her current school (their response when she told them? "That's OK, that's just the way God made you."), and we have been able to share with more parents, some of whom have known us for years. That openness may help, too, since it's easier to be tolerant when you know the cause of the problem. I feel I can call any parent on the class list without reservation, whereas I knew very few of the parents at SES, and none whom I could call to discuss situations like this.

The messages have been deleted, and we will not tell DD about the calls. I saved the number. If the girls' desire to get together is legit, they will call back again. I won't be holding my breath, though.