So Much for Hope and Trust

Sigh... I thought we'd finally gotten to a really good place.

It looked like DD had turned a corner. That she was getting in control of some (note: not all) of her impulses. That something had finally clicked!

This summer, we had a steep decrease in the stealing incidents - just two or three all summer, and all very minor items. Not that it's any less "bad" if it's a small item, but at least it's a little less embarrassing. I made a point to praise her every so often for her continued not-stealing. I told her she should be proud of herself (hoping that if the pride came from within, the motivation would come from within as well). I started trusting her - stopped checking pockets and backpacks, stopped worrying when she went to a friend's house, stopped feeling I needed to check her desk regularly. The few times I did a quick spot check, just to be sure, I found nothing untoward.

Ha! Silly me!

So today, DS came in the door from the bus ahead of DD, with just enough time to give a quick report to Jeff before DD came in. He said this AM DD had gone upstairs at the neighbors house (they go there in the AM before the bus comes) to their 4-yr-old daughter's room. She came down saying that she "had been counting S's money." Later in the day, he saw her pay a kid at school $1 to get a Warhead (candy), even though she has no ready access to cash here at home (for just this reason).

After checking with the neighbor, I found out that this was her observation as well, and that DD had come down acting a little oddly, then immediately had to go to the bathroom. She'd spent the rest of the morning acting "squirrely," before heading to school. Upon inspection, it turned out DD had stolen $27 from S's bank upstairs.

I didn't say anything to DD about it right when I got home, as I knew DS was going to an evening activity, so I'd be able to confront her without the audience (it's always more fun for her to act dramatic and tortured when there's an audience). In the meantime, I quietly searched her backpack and located $16. After dropping DS off, I asked her, "So what do you need to tell me about?"

I'll give her credit - she did admit right away that she had stolen money, but the story was that she had stolen $8 from C (the classmate from whom she bought the candy). We actually went through several iterations of the story:

1) I stole $8 from C
2) I stole $16 from S and $8 from C
3) I stole $16 from S and $1 from C
4) I stole $21 from S and $1 from C
5) I stole $22 from S and $1 from C
6) The money is all in my desk
7) Well, except for the money in my folder, the money is in my desk
8) I stole $2 from C

And then she wonders why I never believe her! We went through similar denials/admissions regarding the box of pencils the neighbor also discovered missing (stolen a month ago, but she just made the connection now). And then, when I said I needed her locker combination so I could check it tomorrow, I got a song and dance about how she 1) was sharing a locker with another girl, in another grade, whose name she doesn't know 2) well, the girl only has her toothpaste in there 3) oh, the girl just got her own locker yesterday 4) I told her she could keep her toothpaste in my locker 5) she has no room left in her locker, so I told her she could keep her toothpaste in mine.

I told her my growing trust in her has been destroyed, and I am extremely disappointed in her for not only stealing and lying, but stealing from a 4-yr-old. I see no signs of remorse, only disappointment in getting caught. Oh, she'll say she feels bad, and there will probably be some crocodile tears, but nothing genuine.

She will make restitution, of course, and we haven't yet decided on the consequences. The thing that gets me, though, is that all the books say stealing is a part of FASD because these kids have no real understanding of ownership, or no impulse control. I could buy that when it was a pencil lent by a friend, or something found on the ground. All of it in the past has seemed very spur-of-the-moment.

But this was premeditated - she planned in advance to go upstairs to take the money. And she knew it was not hers - her guilty behavior afterwards shows she was aware of her transgression. So at what point do we say that this isn't the FASD, it is just her selfish decision to take what she wants, regardless of who it hurts? The stakes are getting higher. In the past, I could say that she never seemed to be interested in things of value - it was more of a magpie thing: bright shiny objects, treats, colorful things, office supplies, hair things - and what she took was worth almost nothing. Apparently, this is no longer the case.

Our neighbor has known DD since she arrived 6 years ago, and she knew of DD's stealing habit. But, like us, she was lulled into a false sense of security. The neighbor seems to be handling it well, but we are embarrassed that DD did this. She asked if we would get the true story from DD, and I had to admit we probably wouldn't. If we're lucky, we get something approximating the truth, but we have to go through so many permutations before we get there that we never have confidence that we know everything. I'm not even sure DD really remembers all the details in these situations.

For better or for worse, she's a really bad thief. Her poor planning and logical abilities really become apparent in these situations. Of course, while her creative thinking skills are very poor when it comes to schoolwork (where her logic wins out), they seem to be functioning just fine when she needs to come up with 8 different excuses for her behavior.

At least I have Dark Chocolate Moose Munch to help me calm my nerves. And DD came home with a box of Sees Dark Chocolates, too. Does my honey know me or what???