Tonight, I am disappointed in myself as a Mom. I'm just not doing the kind of job I know I should, and I'm not being the mom I want to be. I'm too quick to lose my temper, too focused on being in control, not willing to bend enough. I raise my voice way more than I should. My daughter especially frustrates me of late, though she is not (usually) doing it on purpose. Lately I step outside of myself at the end of the day and I don't always like what I see.
I don't think I'm a bad mom, really, I just don't feel like a very good one these days. I see lots of good moments - I see times when I laugh, or act silly with the kids, or manage to teach something just right, or manage to calmly handle something that actually drives me nuts. But that's not as often as I would like. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the best mom for these kids, or if I am just causing more neuroses for their future shrinks to sort out.
Maybe it's too many days home with sick kids... maybe it's the stress... maybe it's my frustration at not being able to "fix" things... maybe it's the constant homework burden getting to me (or more likely DD's complete lack of drive to get it done)... maybe it's the pushing, pushing, pushing both kids are doing these days (yay preteens)... maybe it's my ill-advised drive to be "supermom." I guess I could make excuses all day, but the reality is that I need to get myself back on track. I need to spend more time expecting the supposedly mature, logical adult (me) to make the exceptions, keep the cool, adjust the attitude, instead of getting frustrated because the child affected by brain damage and trauma can't. I need to model proper emotional regulation by taking more of those deep breaths. I need to let go of my need to get things "just right" all the time. I need to pray more.
I need to work to get back to being the mom I want and need to be.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Ask Not for Whom the Child Whines...
Well, the flu has hit our household. DS started looking a little worn out on Sunday at church, and by the time we got home he had a fever of 99. Not much, but enough for me to tell him that he would not be playing outside that day. This resulted in tears and pouting, but I'm glad I held firm, because by evening his fever was up to 101, with a cough.
He's been out of school the last two days, and with his fever still at 100.8 this evening, tomorrow is out, too (Thursday and Friday are No School days). He's bummed that he won't be able to go to the cross country meet tomorrow, but it's a testament to how awful he feels that he didn't even put up a fuss when I told him that was no longer possible. He is, however, secretly hoping our snow from yesterday (3.5"!!!) will make a return so the event will be postponed.
The issue we are encountering, however, is the whine factor. I don't mean just the whiny way some folks have of suffering through their illnesses (and making us suffer along with them). I mean keening, like a dying animal.
We've had this issue with both children. It was especially a problem the first time DS got sick - he had the stomach flu (yes, yes, I know there is no such thing, but what else would you have me call it?) and had thrown up at day care. He was only 5 years old and had been with us only a couple of months. He just wailed the whole time he was sick. At the time, we reasoned that to his little mind, all he knew was that he felt miserable, and that he had no reason to believe us when we said he'd get better. After all, who were we to him?
DD followed a few days later with the same bug. She didn't wail so much (that time), but she seemed afraid to tell us when she threw up. I was up all night with her, and she actually thanked me for taking care of her when she was sick. It told me something of her past, when a 7-yr-old even noticed something like that. Her therapist told me later that that was a major breakthrough for DD, and we'd made an impression by doing what every parent does naturally.
However, when DD had her tonsils out, she took to howling at all hours. I decided she was just "milking it" when I would go into her room for the umpteenth time, ask what was wrong, and she would cheerfully reply, "Nothing!" Sigh.
So, knowing this has been an issue in the past, I forewarned DS that this would not be an effective strategy. "Which do you think will work better? A) Getting up and going across the hall to Mom & Dad's room to tell us something is wrong or B) Laying in bed keening away and hoping we hear." Well, he could agree A was a better option, so I hoped we were set. He is, after all, 11 years old!
Well, the first night he started howling away at bedtime because of his headache (which I reminded him was a surefire way to make a headache worse, not better!) He did it again the next night while in the shower. This morning, I was just slightly drifting into consciousness, while Jeff was showering in our bathroom, when I just barely heard a noise which might possibly be DS whimpering again. I went into his room and again reminded him this was not an effective method. After all, if I didn't have super-sonic-mom-hearing, I never would have even known he needed anything.
I find this a very odd behavior. I get it, he's uncomfortable, and nobody likes being sick, but come on! He's usually a pretty logical boy, so he knows this isn't a very good strategy. I have thought about not responding to this parent-summoning method, but I think it is a holdover of the attachment cycle, and I am loathe to break that trust that is building. Hopefully, he will remember the message tonight and come get me if he needs anything. But I won't be surprised if I am summoned with another howl.
He's been out of school the last two days, and with his fever still at 100.8 this evening, tomorrow is out, too (Thursday and Friday are No School days). He's bummed that he won't be able to go to the cross country meet tomorrow, but it's a testament to how awful he feels that he didn't even put up a fuss when I told him that was no longer possible. He is, however, secretly hoping our snow from yesterday (3.5"!!!) will make a return so the event will be postponed.
The issue we are encountering, however, is the whine factor. I don't mean just the whiny way some folks have of suffering through their illnesses (and making us suffer along with them). I mean keening, like a dying animal.
We've had this issue with both children. It was especially a problem the first time DS got sick - he had the stomach flu (yes, yes, I know there is no such thing, but what else would you have me call it?) and had thrown up at day care. He was only 5 years old and had been with us only a couple of months. He just wailed the whole time he was sick. At the time, we reasoned that to his little mind, all he knew was that he felt miserable, and that he had no reason to believe us when we said he'd get better. After all, who were we to him?
DD followed a few days later with the same bug. She didn't wail so much (that time), but she seemed afraid to tell us when she threw up. I was up all night with her, and she actually thanked me for taking care of her when she was sick. It told me something of her past, when a 7-yr-old even noticed something like that. Her therapist told me later that that was a major breakthrough for DD, and we'd made an impression by doing what every parent does naturally.
However, when DD had her tonsils out, she took to howling at all hours. I decided she was just "milking it" when I would go into her room for the umpteenth time, ask what was wrong, and she would cheerfully reply, "Nothing!" Sigh.
So, knowing this has been an issue in the past, I forewarned DS that this would not be an effective strategy. "Which do you think will work better? A) Getting up and going across the hall to Mom & Dad's room to tell us something is wrong or B) Laying in bed keening away and hoping we hear." Well, he could agree A was a better option, so I hoped we were set. He is, after all, 11 years old!
Well, the first night he started howling away at bedtime because of his headache (which I reminded him was a surefire way to make a headache worse, not better!) He did it again the next night while in the shower. This morning, I was just slightly drifting into consciousness, while Jeff was showering in our bathroom, when I just barely heard a noise which might possibly be DS whimpering again. I went into his room and again reminded him this was not an effective method. After all, if I didn't have super-sonic-mom-hearing, I never would have even known he needed anything.
I find this a very odd behavior. I get it, he's uncomfortable, and nobody likes being sick, but come on! He's usually a pretty logical boy, so he knows this isn't a very good strategy. I have thought about not responding to this parent-summoning method, but I think it is a holdover of the attachment cycle, and I am loathe to break that trust that is building. Hopefully, he will remember the message tonight and come get me if he needs anything. But I won't be surprised if I am summoned with another howl.
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