Tonight, I am disappointed in myself as a Mom. I'm just not doing the kind of job I know I should, and I'm not being the mom I want to be. I'm too quick to lose my temper, too focused on being in control, not willing to bend enough. I raise my voice way more than I should. My daughter especially frustrates me of late, though she is not (usually) doing it on purpose. Lately I step outside of myself at the end of the day and I don't always like what I see.
I don't think I'm a bad mom, really, I just don't feel like a very good one these days. I see lots of good moments - I see times when I laugh, or act silly with the kids, or manage to teach something just right, or manage to calmly handle something that actually drives me nuts. But that's not as often as I would like. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the best mom for these kids, or if I am just causing more neuroses for their future shrinks to sort out.
Maybe it's too many days home with sick kids... maybe it's the stress... maybe it's my frustration at not being able to "fix" things... maybe it's the constant homework burden getting to me (or more likely DD's complete lack of drive to get it done)... maybe it's the pushing, pushing, pushing both kids are doing these days (yay preteens)... maybe it's my ill-advised drive to be "supermom." I guess I could make excuses all day, but the reality is that I need to get myself back on track. I need to spend more time expecting the supposedly mature, logical adult (me) to make the exceptions, keep the cool, adjust the attitude, instead of getting frustrated because the child affected by brain damage and trauma can't. I need to model proper emotional regulation by taking more of those deep breaths. I need to let go of my need to get things "just right" all the time. I need to pray more.
I need to work to get back to being the mom I want and need to be.
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6 comments:
Heather,
You said what I feel so often. Please remember something, my friend (and I'll try to remind myself of this as well)... This kind of parenting is tough. Our kids stretch us and test us and most of the time we do well. But we all screw up and I think that is a good thing for our kids to see. Imagine how frustrating it would be to see everyone else handling life with such ease when everything is so difficult for them.
Chin up. You are a great mom and the fact that worry about these things is evidence of that. ~Kari
I read your blog today and thought "WOW! Here's someone else who says exactly how I feel!" And then I thought...hmmm...does she realize that she just described what EVERY mom of a kid with FAS, RAD, etc etc feels? You are human! :) Thanks for bringing me back to reality to realize that I'm not alone! And to recommit to being the kind of mom I want to be. It's tough! And this time of year just makes it harder!
It applies to dads too. Thanks for the reminder!
I think you have spoken for many moms out there. Include me. It just doesn't let up for us and the stress is maxed out. What really got to me is when Bug said Mom, why don't you smile very much? OUCH!!!
I know it is hard to let go of the idea that some how if we just do everything perfect that it will make things better for our kids. The trouble with that is try with all our might some times things just are not going to get any better so we as moms have to let some things go. The kids will be fine in the end because we have given them our best. What more could they need and want?
Hey you have an award waiting for you over on my blog!
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