A New Perspective

Nothing much new in my world today - DS still angry at everything (hissy fit because he didn't get any strikes at bowling), DD still acting oddly (hissy fit at classmate's "water" themed birthday party because she was getting wet - duh???), me still not getting enough stuff done around the house.

The one person I don't write about a lot is my wonderful husband. The thing is, without his encouragement, I never would have started writing. Without his support, I wouldn't survive long enough to have anything to write ;-) Until now, I have called him "DH," but I am going to switch to calling him Jeff, since that's his name (duh, again), and since he now has his own blog. And as he said, since we are both using our real first names, it's a little silly to keep using nicknames.

You can get his introduction here: Ramblings of an FAS Dad

Jeff has a very different perspective on things than I do. First of all, he's male (of course), and that puts our experiences in a different light. But more importantly (for the purposes of blogging), he writes from the perspective of an adoptee, as well as an adoptive parent. Even more importantly, he writes from the perspective of one with (suspected) FASD. I say suspected because there really is no way to prove it. It didn't become apparent to us until we started researching DD's disability, and lots of pieces started falling into place.

When I first met Jeff, I knew only that he was adopted, and that he was different from any man I'd met previously. His focus and devotion to our relationship were so amazing, that at first I thought something was "wrong." I mean, here was the first man with whom I didn't feel I had to work to prove I was worthy. I didn't have to worry about when I would say the wrong thing and make him leave. This threw me for a loop at first, but within a couple of months I was falling in love.

As I learned more about him, I heard about the difficulties he had childhood. Rages, holes punched in walls, troubles in school, food stealing, and (later in life) difficulties with money management. His parents had handled this with some of the same strategies we use - consistent expectations, clear boundaries, consequences, etc. But they did not have the benefit of support we do now. There was no diagnosis of FASD at that point - especially not in the rural area in which they live. And of course there was no internet!

After we adopted DS, and began learning more about FASD, some pieces started falling into place. First it was a hunch (some of the behaviors seemed to match), then it was a suspicion (he has the FASD "look" in his childhood pictures), then it became a strong likelihood (his parents started reading about FASD, and saw him in it). We don't have any way to be certain, of course, but there are so many pieces that fit. And I think it has brought a sense of comfort - to Jeff because he now has an explanation for some of the things he faced, and to his parents because they now know they were dealing with brain damage, not something they had done "wrong" as parents.

But that's his story. I want to tell you how blessed I am to be married to him. On the surface, our relationship wouldn't seem to make sense. A big city girl from CA and a small-town boy from the midwest. Our social and educational backgrounds are very different. But love and relationships are about more than history or "book smarts," and his unwavering support of me are more precious than anything in this world. After the bumps and bruises in my childhood, I most needed a spouse whose love I could trust unwaveringly, and I have that in spades. I guess we just complement each other in so many ways. Isn't it amazing how God does that???? And I know I get the better end of this deal - just look at what he did for our anniversary!

I think the thing we, as parents of FASD children, can gain most from his perspective is a sense of hope. We so often hear only the "bad news" - the things that can go wrong, the jail statistics - that we have the feeling that we are bailing the ocean with a dixie cup. But his story isn't bad news. He is gainfully employed, well respected, and the most amazing husband and father anyone could ask for. I know he has a hard time believing the best of himself (an attachment disorder holdover), but I will never stop telling him how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Have I gushed enough? Will you go say hi to him? Send him my everlasting love ;-)