So Here We Are Again

I'm back at home this morning about 1.5 hrs after I left. Went to deliver the kids to their day camp program on the way to work. (Yeah, in the normal world, people leave their 11 & 12 yr. olds home alone during the day. I don't live in that world. Other people think I'm weird for not trusting them. They don't know my kids.)

Anyway, yesterday there was an incident with DS and another child. They were arguing over a game in the gym, and DS punched the other kid, giving him a black eye. The director called me, discussed their actions, and was very realistic about it. They know that these things do happen (not that it's OK), that DS was very apologetic and remorseful afterwards, and that the kids had made up and moved on within the hour. We were in agreement that they would provide whatever consequences deemed appropriate (loss of gym privileges next week), we would provide our own at home (3 days of grounding, apology note, 200 lines of "I will not hurt other people when I'm mad", and loss of treat day next Wed. @ day camp), and the issue would be closed and ready to move on. They have been extremely understanding this year, especially considering what we went through at the end of last summer, and have commented repeatedly on what a great kid he is. They know his history, and how far he has come over the years.

Well, I found out this morning that the other Dad is furious. He wants DS pulled out of the program or other discipline, or he is threatening to press assault charges. He will not acknowledge that his child might have had a part in the argument. That doesn't make DS's behavior OK by a long shot, but at least be realistic enough to know that no kid acts in a vacuum. Apparently he's already discussed this with the police enough to have determined that this counts as an "assault." Great. Just what we need.

The program directors were ready to stand behind us and their decision. I appreciated that, and as I was leaving decided that we'd better call DS in together to discuss his loss of gym privileges, just so I could help prevent some of the fallout. Well, I could tell right away that he was getting mad, so I reminded him to use his tricks to get back on track. It continued. I tried rubbing his back and holding him. It continued. I suggested he needed to be headed in a different direction before I would feel comfortable leaving, and he growled, "I'm fine!" (Oh yeah, that convinced me...) Hard glares, fierce movements, clenched fists, quivering neck muscles. After several minutes of this, and the failure of all my attempts to get him to turn a corner, I decided retreat was the better part of valor. I announced we were leaving for the day, and I would work from home (which, as you can see, I'm doing right now).

This did not go over well. I got howls, protests, and more "I'm FINE"s. He sat on the floor and started banging his head against the wall. Why does he think this is going to convince me? After grabbing his stuff, I asked him to come along with me, which he, of course, refused. I told him that if he wasn't up with me by the end of a 5 count, the next step was a fireman's carry out of the building, which I didn't figure he wanted in front of his buds. On one he finally got up, and I told him to hold my hand, and after another round of arguments he complied. Growled on the way out, "You hate me," and "You never believe me," and "You're always out to get me." Got him to the car, drove in silence to work (he plugged his ears when I turned on the radio - I ignored him), got my stuff, and headed home. Thank goodness I have an understanding boss and a laptop!

By the ride back, he'd calmed enough to talk (or at least listen). I told him about the threatened assault charge, and that sometimes I had to make decisions about what I felt was the best course of action. The choices I make may not always be what he would like, and they may not even be the correct ones in the long run, but I have to do what I feel is best under the circumstances. That's part of my job as a mom. He might have been fine, I don't know. But I couldn't run the risk that within a half hour I'd be getting a call about him doing something else, giving fuel to that dad's fire, and I just wasn't confident that wouldn't be the case.

Before we got home, DS apologized for the things he'd said and I forgave him. I reminded him again that we love him, and that he's a wonderful kid. He sees only his anger, and has little positive sense of self. He refuses to believe that the good stuff we say is true, and of course it's always easier to believe the bad than the good. Last night he was wailing, "Why do I have to get so angry?" He doesn't want to be this way, and the best I can do sometimes is love him, tell him the good stuff, and remind him that God has a plan for him in all this, even if we can't see it.

Right now DS is calmly reading on the sofa. I know he will be fine for the rest of the day - he always is in these circumstances. You would not think this was the same kid. And tomorrow he will be fine at day camp, too. I told the staff they can take credit for him being out today, if that smooths things over with the other dad. My ego won't be hurt. They said they are just going to let him know that DS will be out today, and not going on the field trip tomorrow. He doesn't need to know that I pulled him out voluntarily, and that DS had already decided several days ago to skip the trip tomorrow in favor of swimming lessons.

As I was letting my co-worker know that I was leaving, she asked, "How do you deal with that?" I wish I had answer. The best I can say is, "Pray a lot and hang on for the ride."