Here We Go Again...

Well, our little "calm spell" didn't last long. By 11:30 AM on Thursday, I received a call that DS was raging again, worse than ever, and that I had to come pick him up. Turns out he had headed out to play baseball, and when the director questioned him (knowing I had banned him from competitive sports for a while because they are a major trigger for him), he lied and said I had told him it was OK. Well, it wasn't and he didn't handle it.

When I came in, he was just glowering with a darkness I haven't seen before. He raged at me for over an hour, off and on. Just when I'd get him calmed down, in my lap, hugging and talking quietly, he'd start raging full blown again, and I had to put him back in a hold. His biggest trigger? When I would tell him we loved him and that he is a great kid. He kept screaming, "I don't want you to love me," and, "I don't deserve love." Finally I got him stabilized and brought him home.

This same kid came home and was very contrite. He calmly accepted his consequences (a very long time out and grounding), didn't argue when told to go to bed early. He knew he'd screwed up and was in trouble and accepted the punishment. I went out to get DD from day camp, and came home to him calling out happily from upstairs, "Hi, Mom!" Today, I am home with him, and will be for the next week because they won't let him come back to day camp for a week. (I am fortunate to have a very understanding boss, that I am able to work from here.) DS understands that this won't be a fun time. Reading, sitting, writing, homework, cleaning. But I know to him, spending 6 full days with mom is a reward (and in some ways I'm glad he thinks of it that way), but I don't want him rewarded for the behavior. Frankly the satisfaction of providing consequences is missing when he wants them.

I think what scares me most about his rages is how much, at the time, he means it. When DD (FASD) rages, she shouts hateful things, but it's obvious she doesn't believe them and is just doing it to get attention. When DS rages, you know that at that moment he means it with every cell in his body. He says that the things he yells are the things the voices are telling him.

I'm trying to find him help, but everything is so long term. Everyone offers therapy, which is great, I'm all for therapy, but it's a long-term solution. I need him to be able to function outside the house, at school and day care, in the next couple of weeks. I hope the psychologist will be able to help us on Monday. It's so odd that in the space of 1 1/2 months, our son would go from a sweet, cheerful boy with an occasional bout with temper, to a rager who isn't safe around others.

He is a very cheerful, happy boy today. You would not connect him to the raging child I found yesterday. The hateful things he yelled from the darkest depths of his soul were scary and disturbing. Yesterday he hated me with a vengeance and wished he'd never met us. Just now he was sitting on the floor at my feet, licking my elbow like a dog as I typed, hugging my arm, kissing my hand, telling me he just wanted to be with me. (Yeah, like I need him reading this over my shoulder!) He is such a sweetheart most of the time, and his true nature is to be caring, empathetic, and helpful. I just wish I could get him to see the same wonderful traits in himself that we see in him.

Cindy linked to this great article on inducement that made a lot of sense. I can totally see this in DS - pushing us away because trusting us is just too scary. And I know we have it pretty easy - only one going through this. Bless you families out there who weather the storms of 10, 20 or more of these children, often simultaneously. We draw our strength from you, as well as a reminder of how blessed we really are.