FASD Goes to Camp

Hi there - back from my little hiatus. It's not that I didn't have anything to talk about while the kids were at camp, but we just spent the week vegging out. I didn't accomplish anything on my list (except item #1 - I will not do laundry while the kids are gone!)

On Friday night we made the 4 hour drive to the camp, where we had left our pop-up camper, and camped for the night. We arrived at about 9:30, and figured by then the kids would be getting ready for bed. No, about 11:30 we heard cheers and laughter coming from the main camp grounds, telling us the kids were only just then leaving the final campfire and heading back to their cabins. Apparently, our kids went to bed after we did!

Saturday morning was the Parents' Program. We went into the dining hall, where the kids were sitting, prepared to sing their camp songs for us. DD was easy to spot - she was the only child facing the wrong direction, sitting with a group of (uninterested) boys instead of her cabin. Throughout the program - singing, pastor's mini-homily, video presentation, she was like a fish swimming upstream. While the other kids prayed, she picked at a scab on her arm. While the other kids faced Pastor and listened to him, she was facing away and trying to flirt with several boys who were trying to ignore her (and laughing at her, not in a good way). While the other kids watched the video of the week's activities, DD was signing to a junior counselor (who didn't even know her name, and had only met her that morning), that she loved him. I spent the program watching her and clenching my teeth and fists, wanting to shake her and make her aware of how she looked. I know this isn't the appropriate response, but I really wish I could make her understand. I hate it when I see other kids laughing at her behind her back.

We talked to her counselor about how the week went. At drop-off, I had given her the 3-minute primer on FASD, but drove away thinking of 10 other things I should have told her. She reported that DD had had a few rough spots, and one major meltdown, but had eventually calmed down. The counselor was too nice to say it, but I know DD got into one of her hateful moods, shouting anything and everything she can think of, whether it made sense or not. The counselor also said that she was a sweet girl the rest of the time, and that she was glad that there was someone in DD's life to help her through the tough stuff, since they see other kids with issues who don't have that.

I asked DD to tell me what had happened, but didn't tell her what I already knew (I've found that I learn all sorts of things I wouldn't otherwise using this method). Apparently DD got mad at her cousin (we'll call her "Rebecca") when Rebecca didn't want to play a game with her. More detail came out that the game involved tossing stuffed animals back and forth, and that when Rebecca didn't want to play anymore, and asked DD 5 times to please stop, DD kept going. Finally, Rebecca got mad at DD and yelled at her to stop. In DD's version, DD was mad at Rebecca because "I wanted to do something fun and there wasn't anything else fun to do so she should have played with me." Once again, a discussion about how "stop" means stop the first time, not after several repetitions. At this point, I started lightly slapping DD's knee over and over. After a few time, she started saying "please stop" repeatedly, but I kept going until she's had to say it 5 times. I asked her how it felt when I ignored her wishes over and over (she didn't like it). Her argument was then, "but the game was fun for me, so Rebecca should have kept playing." I started annoying her, and when she asked me to stop, I said, "But it's fun for me." She was laughing at this point, and I think (hope) there was at least a little understanding. I keep hoping that concrete demonstrations (crude as they may be) will stick better than abstract ones.

Then I asked her about her blowout with her counselor. First, DD said the counselor told her she had to get up in the morning and she didn't want to (I asked her when she had ever gotten away with that one). At another time, they were all supposed to play an evening game and DD didn't want to (this is the only story I already knew - the other two were just a bonus). Some rigmarole about it hurting her ankles but I've learned in the past that she just doesn't want to try new games, and will often refuse. The counselor told her she had to play with everyone else, and DD lost it. Her favorite lines run along the vein of, "You don't like/love me, " "You don't want me around, " "You wish I weren't here/your daughter," etc. I truly hate it when she does this - it is so manipulative, and I tell her I will not express love when she tries to force me, only when it comes from my heart. So we had another discussion of how hurtful this is, and how she is not in charge and does not get to make all the decisions.

What gets me is that in all of these arguments, she is completely oblivious to why she was in the wrong. She feels completely justified for yelling when her cousin doesn't like the game that she thinks it is fun, or the counselor gives an instruction she doesn't like. She can't see how these things look like from the outside, how nonsensical her arguments are. Fortunately, we had prepped her counselor and her cousin to understand some of her disability, but to the rest of the world, she just looks odd. I want to protect her from that, push her in the right direction, but teaching social interaction is hard!

Even with the issues (I'll cover DS in another post), I'm glad we send them to camp. We can't shelter them forever, and these memories are precious. Plus, DH & I look forward to camp week in a big way. Does anyone know if I can count these as respite hours in MN? I know it won't qualify for the camp subsidy, since it's a religious camp, but this truly is a respite for us in so many ways!