The Storm After the Calm

Well, we've survived the Thanksgiving holiday and are on to the juggernaut that is the Christmas season. This next few weeks are always a rush, not just because of the holiday/presents/decorating thing, but also because DS's birthday comes in just a few more days, and there is always year-end stuff at work. But the reward is the 1 1/2 weeks off work after the holiday, so I'm very much looking forward to that break!

This was our year to make the 5 hr. trip to DH's parent's house. Two of his three siblings, their spouses, and children were there - 13 of us in all. Fortunately, we are still able to find sleeping spots for the whole family in the house, even with the last sibling is there and we have 17 total. The cousins are all fairly close in age, and they get along well. We even get to have a somewhat Norman Thanksgiving - we have the kids eat first, then send them downstairs to watch videos while we have our grown-up dinner.

The issue happened at the end of the weekend. I have actually spent the last couple of weeks wondering when we were going to pay for our recent period of calm. We are not used to so much excellent behavior from our kids, and I've started to think we were ripe for a breakdown. November is usually DD's tough month. Do other parents get nervous whenever things go well for long periods of time?

On Sunday morning before church, the kids came down for breakfast, and DD headed for the downstairs bathroom, since the upstairs one was occupied. I noticed that she seemed to be taking an inordinately long time in there, and figured I'd better investigate (she has a thing with bathrooms - we've never figured out why). As I got there, I heard a drawer slide shut, and the door was locked when I tried it. No, that's not suspicious at all...

I ordered DD to open the door immediately, and when she did, I asked her what she'd been playing with. She pointed to the top drawer and said she had just been looking. I started to tell her she was not to play with others' stuff, when I saw that her lips were covered with red lipstick (such as you might imagine on a guilty 4-yr-old). Despite being 12 now, DD has no concept of "little bit" of anything, so when she decides to do something like this, it isn't halfway. I asked her which lipstick, which she pointed out, and found it completely smashed/smeared/pressed into the cover. Great.

I told her to start washing (took three rounds of "no, you're not done yet" before it was to my satisfaction), and told her she would have to admit her crime to Grandma. As luck would have it, my mil entered the area at just that moment, and DD apologized as instructed. I told my mil that DD would pay her back if she liked, or whatever consequence she wanted. At that point, my mil didn't answer, and said she would have to think about it, she was just too upset.

The morning moved on, and just before leaving for church, my mil told me that she had discovered her tube of concealer had lipstick all over it, too. Since we were heading out the door, I asked to see it when we returned. In the meantime, I advised DD that if there was anything else with which she had played, she should admit it now, or face doubled consequences. With much wailing and stomping of feet, she insisted, "I'm not lying" and pouted her way out of the door. No, not suspicious at all....

After church I confronted her with the concealer. She tried saying she hadn't touched it, then revised it to, "Oh, well I only did it once," as if this made all the difference in her answer. And she wonders why I never believe her when she says, "I'm not lying?" So she has to pay back double for the concealer.

At this point I asked my mil how much the lipstick & concealer cost, and she started telling us how this had happened before, and describing 2-3 yr. old incidents, and it was tough because you had to watch her all the time (like I didn't know that), and had tears in her eyes over how hard it was.

Well: 1) Don't wait 3 years and then tell us something was a problem. We can't solve it now, but if we had known then, we could have nipped it in the bud. Generally after we tackle something once or twice, it becomes less of a problem. If you decided to let it go at the time, then don't bring it up now 2) I realize it's tough to watch her for a weekend. Try every day. Actually, it's more a state of being aware, rather than constant one-on-one surveillance. And hard as I try, some things just sneak past 3) From now on every incident that happens there will be blamed on DD, guilty or not 4) I realize it's frustrating, but it's just a lipstick for crying out loud! Tears not required!

Later, DS noticed that an ear had been torn off a stuff animal and pointed it out to me. We both questioned what had happened, and tried to remember if it had looked that way before. I brought it up to my mil, and she then proceeded to grill DS about how it happened, as if he was lying. I even told her I was sure he hadn't done it, since he was the one who pointed it out, but the grilling continued.

I guess I'm just frustrated because it has always felt as if our kids are not as good in her book as the birth grandchildren. Never mind that ours have better manners, fight less, whine less, and help out more without argument. They don't quite fit, they weren't here as babies, they have issues, and they don't look like anyone in the photo album. This is supremely frustrating to me. I spend visits watching them like a hawk so they don't do anything "unseemly." I finally figured out this is why I find visits so stressful. You would think that having raised an adopted FASD child herself, understanding would be more forthcoming, but it's not.

OK, rant over. I'm just glad she didn't find out that DD also stole a doll brush from her cousin (which is being returned, with a note of apology). And then I found a couple of items stolen from a classmate in her backpack. DD's done so well with not stealing this year, so it's frustrating that she's started again.

As we left to head for home, DH and I had to laugh - at least DD is a really bad liar. I mean, did she really think the huge red smear of lipstick on her face and the smushed tube would go unnoticed? Or the bright red smeared on the tan concealer? Just goes to show how her brain does not think through all the logical steps of a plan like this. At least it makes life easier for us :)