I want to thank all of you for your kind words of support and understanding. As Linda said, these things come in waves, and yesterday I was in the lowest trough. I went to bed immediately after finishing prayers with the kids. My husband came to bed later after reading my post, apologized (though he's done nothing wrong) and held me (well, at least until he decided I was too warm to snuggle ;-) I felt emotionally and physically exhausted.
But even in our lowest moments, the Lord shines a light in the darkest corners. At dinner last night, DS, out of the blue, told me, "Thank you, mom, for giving me a good life." I thanked him and reminded him that the Lord gave him life, we just gave him a home, and he said, "But here I get to do things. With my birth dad, it just felt like we were just there." He hinted around at what must have been some tough times in that home. Not that we don't have our tough times, too, (boy, do we!) but we strive to make hope and forgiveness a part of those times, too.
And DD said that she shared her adoption story with her class yesterday (which I had learned from the teacher) as part of the class's discussion of miracles we see today (which I hadn't known).
I know this is huge - that our children recognize that there is a plan for their lives and see the Lord's hand in it. That our son can see that though he grieves the loss of his birth dad, he can also rejoice in the blessing he has in his new home. That our daughter can see her adoption as a miracle rather than a curse. We tell them all the time that the Lord built our family, and had a plan for all of us from before the time of our birth - going back to my childhood (I was in foster care) and my husband's (he was adopted, with suspected FASD) - and from before that, in connections to the past we will never comprehend this side of paradise. Sometimes we get a glimpse of that plan, but I look forward to eternity, when I hope He will reveal the whole, beautiful pattern.
I am still tired, I am still frustrated, but I know the Lord will give me peace, and equip me to take one more step and carry on. Hearing my own frustration echoed in others' voices helped. Though I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it's comforting to know that I am not alone. It also tells me that maybe we should cry out a little more sometimes, rather than smiling and saying everything's "OK," if only so that we let someone else know it's OK to cry, too. I don't know about you, but I find that "saint" label everyone wants to put on me is ill-fitting and uncomfortable. I want it to be OK for me to stumble.
Thank you all for being there to catch me!
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4 comments:
How nice that your husband reads your blog! Isn't it just awful when you wake up just as tired as when you went to bed. You don't get to wake up refreshed....but it will come again. Just as I said, it is a cycle. Keep on talking and writing. We all need each other...you aren't alone in this. Yes we should sound off more, but I think we are too tired to do it. I should say I am too tired to do it. So blogging is another way to get it out. The average person who asks how I am in passing doesn't really want to know! Now wouldn't that just blow them away!
Heather,
I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I had "normal" with my birth children before we adopted but I still understood the pain that you wrote about. Those waves of grief can be brutal sometimes. Grab a floatie and hang on! ~Kari
oh i so agree! i love the blogs i've come across dealing with so many issues openly. it's been wonderfully encouraging for me! glad i found yours.
Stumble on good soldier!! I love this post and the one before. We are human and have highs and lows, and you are right, it does feel good to see that we all have these days. God bless, Barb
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