Claiming Journals

We are a little nervous about leaving the kids for our week's vacation. Not because they won't be fine, because they will be, but because their attachment issues make it difficult.

DS seems very strongly attached to us, and his insecure, reactive attachment seems to be becoming more secure as time passes. He trusts that we will be there, he trusts that we love him. We feel that *zing* of attachment, and know that it's working. But he still gets anxious at times, and clingy, and needs that assurance that Mom & Dad aren't going anywhere. He is the first one at the door when I get home, sometimes coming out to the garage to greet me, even if I've only been gone for 1/2 hr. It's great that he's happy to see me, but we did have to institute a "Mom gets to take her shoes/coat off first" rule so I could make it in the door.

DD seems very loosely attached to us, and we to her. It feels as if she goes through the motions of attachment, because she knows those are the steps she is supposed to take. Not in such a way that she is being purposely fake in order to manipulate us. It is just lacking something... something on which I've never been able to put my finger. (I know, awkward sentence, but my grammar-loving grandmother would kill me for dangling a preposition) (if she hadn't died 3 1/2 years ago, that is). It's as if we could drop her off at a different house tomorrow, and within a week we would be a distant memory. I know, it's a defense mechanism, combined with those missing FASD connections, combined with the sum total of all our frustrations with her on a daily basis that have made it hard for us to attach as we should.

While we are away, we fear two things: 1) DS will get nervous and anxious about our being gone, and his anger issues will come back to haunt us, as they have during past separations, and 2) DD will pull every trick in the book while we're away, start stealing again (just when we're in a lull), and start calling the respite parents "Mom & Dad." Since it is their previous foster parents who are doing respite, that makes it more likely that she will slip into a new family role. Last time we took a trip like this, she refused to come to the phone when we called and told the respite parents (a different couple) that she didn't believe it was us on the phone (a flat out lie, but she couldn't be persuaded to give it up because she liked the drama). Oh, and she started screaming some made-up story about how she was put in a cage by the police when she was taken away from birth mom just because birth mom was poor (at 28 mo., so of course her memory is crystal clear).

Now, three years later, we're hoping it will go smoothly. More maturity (hah!), more experience, more understanding that Mom & Dad are definitely coming back. But to help them while we are gone, I am going to create something I'm calling a "claiming journal" for each of them.

I have purchased your basic journal for each of them, and am going to put in a little note from DH and me, some pictures of us with the kids, some extended family pictures, even pics of the pets, and some phrases and nick-names we use with the kids. Of course, all the pictures we've taken have the kids in it, but not us, so I told DH he needs to cooperate while I take some pics of him with the kids. (yes, I'll take some of me, too. I hate being in pictures.). Maybe I'll include Linda's pictures of DH helping the juggler this fall, too!

Then, after I give them to the kids, I will tell them that they can have us add phrases to it any time they like - things they hear us say, catch phrases we use as a family, inside jokes, etc. But this will just be for family, not for friends/respite parents/teachers. (DD will break this rule anyway, and end up scribbling on some of the pages, but at least I will have told her.)

I got this from an idea DD's therapist, who showed me an article on how to help attachment disordered kids get a sense of belonging. I've modified it somewhat, but I'm hoping it will work. DS will benefit from having something he can hold and keep when he misses us. DD will benefit by being reminded that we are still her family, even when we are not physically present. And we will benefit from the exercise of reminding ourselves to claim our children, even when frustrations make that difficult. My intention is that this not be a "life book," but just a pictorial and verbal record of the ties we have built, and continue to build, as a family.

Now, if I can just squeeze this in along with all the other projects between now and our trip, I'll be just fine!