We've been having quite a few adventures in romance around here lately. Both of our kids are starting to discover the opposite sex, and there have been some interesting conversations as of late. Jeff and I have been approaching this in very different ways. Jeff's preferred attitude is to stick his fingers in his ears and sing "la la la la... I can't hear you!!" But barring that, he'd prefer that the rule be "No dating, kissing, or hand-holding until you're 20!"
I have a slightly more philosophical position. Certainly, I am conservative when it comes to what I will and won't allow, but I look at this as a chance to talk to the kids about more difficult topics, and help them shape their identities in the dating world. Of course, I, too, would prefer if they waited until they were 20, but realistically, I'd rather they approach these things with my active involvement than for them to start sneaking around behind our backs. They are in a program this summer for Jr. high age kids, enjoying a different field trip each day, so they are making all sorts of new acquaintances.
DD was the first one with a summer romance. She met a boy (we'll call him Barry) at their summer program, who is a few months older than she is, though he is one grade ahead of her. We received a call one evening a few weeks ago, and a deep male voice asked, "May I speak to (DD)?" Well, at first I wondered why a man was calling my 13-yr-old daughter, but I asked who it was and he told me his name. I passed her the phone, and on the sly asked DS who he was, and he said it was someone really nice, and the same age. I guess his voice just changed a little earlier than most! A short time later, she came asking if she could go to his birthday party in a few weeks. I talked to the parents, and agreed that if other family plans didn't come up, she could go. Later I listened to a message he'd left on our machine, where he said he was, "calling to inquire whether (DD) could come to his party." Gotta love a kid with manners.
We're playing this by ear so far. It seems to still be going strong, and he wrote her an interesting letter while she was at camp (which she made everyone in the family read :), full of very serious declarations about who he is and his beliefs. Jeff's first comment was, "He's kind of a dork," but I'm OK with that. I'd rather her date the "dorks" in the class than the cool guys - they tend to be the ones with manners and less trouble-making on their minds. I've often wondered what kind of guy she would choose as her "type." You know we all have one - we may date someone a little out of character once in a while, but we tend back towards the same sorts of guys. I will be perfectly happy if this is her "type," and we don't have to deal with a lot of trouble-makers down the road.
To be honest, I'm kind of happy for her. She isn't in on a lot of the "normal" experiences of a lot of girls her age, and it will be nice for her to be able to back to school in the fall with a story to tell. Especially if it's of the innocent variety. And if it goes sour, she doesn't have to see him in class every day next year.
DS has had his own issues. As DD's romance started blooming, he started thinking about the girl he "like-liked" last year. He wanted to call her to ask if she still liked him, though she wasn't returning his messages, and they hadn't talked in 9 months. Turns out there was someone else he likes this summer, and he wanted to make sure he was not doing something that would hurt her feelings. I have to commend him for caring, though privately I think the risk was minimal. He told me that he likes "Minnie," and finally told her so while floating on the lazy river at the water park. He said she seemed surprised, but that she had said "goodbye" to him that evening, which was new. Then he asked if he could ask her out on a date alone. Ummm.. you're 12, dude! He thinks we're being over-protective, and that he can handle it, but really, that's not the issue. I know he's more mature, but if we let him go, guess who will be asking, too. And I really think 12 is too young. Either way, it might be a little early to be planning dates when so far she has just said goodbye to him.
Now we've had a string of romantic concerns from DS, because there is more than one girl he likes, and he's been back and forth on what to do. It's been very interesting, but I like that he feels he can come to me and ask for advice as to how to approach this or that situation. On Friday, as he got in the car, he started talking about a boy/girl sleepover one of the kids was having. When I questioned it, he said, "oh, but we're sleeping in separate rooms." Ummm.... what's this "we" business dude? He tried backpedaling, but finally admitted that he was invited and wanted to go, too. Nope, sorry, no mixed gender sleepovers, especially not at 12. Both kids declared we were too cautious and old-fashioned. Oh well. I guess we'll have to live with being old fuddy-duddies!
One thing I've been telling both kids is, "Be gentle with other people's hearts, because you'd want them to be gentle with yours." This is a crazy age, and there are so many hormones and confusions going on that it would be easy for someone to get hurt. I know we will be dealing with a broken heart sooner or later, but hopefully they'll learn to be kind in the process. We've had discussions about being picky and choosing someone who has good qualities, not just the first person who likes you, and about maintaining your own interests and personalities in a relationship, and in not getting claustrophobically close to someone you like. I think it's all good, and even if most of it goes in one ear and out the other, maybe something will stick. So far, so good.
I don't know if we're really ready for all this, but it's coming whether we like it or not. I guess all we can do is hang on for the ride, old Fuddy-duddies that we are! Wish us luck!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Poor Little Old Man
Tonight as we were getting ready for prayers, 12-yr-old DS moaned as he settled down beside me.
His comment? "Man, I'm getting old!"
He doesn't know what he's in for!
Of course, my little "old man" was not too old for a snuggle earlier in the evening. He came into the office where I was futzing on the computer and asked, "Would you like a hug, Mom?"
I said sure, and he proceeded to spend about 1/2 hour snuggling on my lap, head on my shoulder, asking me to rub his back or play with his hair. And taking deep sniffs of my hair... not sure what's up with that, but he's been doing it off and on for a while. Hey, if it makes my little RADish feel safe, who am I to quibble!
I am blessed by these quiet moments - it's times like this that I have so much more hope for a rage-free future. There are no guarantees, but every I think every bit of bonding is a move in the right direction.
His comment? "Man, I'm getting old!"
He doesn't know what he's in for!
Of course, my little "old man" was not too old for a snuggle earlier in the evening. He came into the office where I was futzing on the computer and asked, "Would you like a hug, Mom?"
I said sure, and he proceeded to spend about 1/2 hour snuggling on my lap, head on my shoulder, asking me to rub his back or play with his hair. And taking deep sniffs of my hair... not sure what's up with that, but he's been doing it off and on for a while. Hey, if it makes my little RADish feel safe, who am I to quibble!
I am blessed by these quiet moments - it's times like this that I have so much more hope for a rage-free future. There are no guarantees, but every I think every bit of bonding is a move in the right direction.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Stormy With a Chance of Sunshine
Nothing like starting off the weekend with joy and cheerfulness, right? (Please insert extremely sarcastic tone, here... I wish there was a font option for sarcasm) The post title is a reflection of the weather prediction here as well as the mood of the day.
Got up this morning ready to face the day. DS was up and at 'em and ready for cartoons, with DD taking a little longer to finish dressing (big surprise). Gave out meds, headed to our room to get myself ready. Not 2 seconds after DD descended the stairs, heard screaming. Great. DS hadn't even had a chance to do anything to bug her, so I poked my head out. "He threw my sweatshirt on the floor.. blah, blah, blah!"
At which point I told her that the night before I had taken her sweatshirt off the couch (where it didn't belong), and put it on the newel post at the end of the stair rail, and apparently it had fallen during the night. So if she needed to yell at anyone for the crime, it would have to be Gravity (or maybe Newton, since he discovered it and all). Please sit at the top of the stairs for 5 minutes to calm down and apologize.
But noooooo..... she can't leave it at that. She has to go through a half hour of smart mouthing and raging. I could almost ignore the raging, but the smart mouthing drives me nuts. Finally got her calmed, and reminded her that I needed to see an improved attitude before gymnastics, as I have no plans to inflict her "nasties" on the unsuspecting teacher.
Whew... that's done!
Only during the preceding process, I discovered that someone had dumped out the recently filled soap container in the kids' bathroom. Sigh. Pull the two kids aside and say that I know it's one or the other, and I would like to know who did it. Not like it's the end of the world, but it's wasteful, and I'm an odd duck who prefers honesty. I was hoping for a quick confession, a short discussion on not wasting stuff (and on pretending to wash with soap when the container is actually empty). Silly me.
I could tell right away from DS's response that he was the guilty party. He has a certain shifty-eyed, won't-meet-my-gaze look when he's lying. And he gets extremely defensive. But apparently "Not Me" is active in our house, so both kids got a seat on the stairs, because I don't appreciate being lied to. DS became more and more defensive (can you say, "guilty conscience?" I knew you could), so we moved on to breakfast and a trip to gymnastics, and I left it at telling them I would like honesty sometime in the near future.
Fortunately, DS's conscience eats at him when he lies, in a way that DD's does not. But he's learned that DD is so often guilty that he plays a game of waiting for her to take the rap rather than admit his own culpability. So as we arrived at gymnastics, DS admitted, that, well, he thought that maybe he had done something by accident, when he tried adding water to the container, but he didn't remember dumping it (hmm.. it happened last night, dude... you have a better memory than that!) I told him calmly that I appreciated him fessing up, and that I think we're getting closer to the truth, but that we weren't quite there yet, and I hoped to have it soon. Left it at that, and calmly offered that he could either come in with my to gym. or could sit in the car for a while if he preferred, and come in when he liked. I could tell from my seat inside that he was raging like mad, pounding on windows and the seats. I left him be, and about 15 minutes later he came in, and admitted that he had looked away while holding the container to talk to his sister and it "might" have happened then. After that he was pretty clingy and snuggly, which he often is after a rage.
I asked him why he did it, and he said he was scared of the consequence, though he admitted it probably wouldn't have been as big as the consequence for lying and raging. I told him that the biggest consequence was the loss of my trust, and the guilt that I know is eating at him. As for the soap, all I needed to tell him was that it was wasteful to dump it, and that I needed to know that they were out again so I could refill the container, but if it made him feel better, he could deduct 50 cents from his funds to pay for the soap. And that it was not OK for him to try to wait it out so his sister was blamed, so he needed to apologize to his sister for trying to let her take the rap.
Sigh... it's amazing how little things (sit on the stairs for 5 minutes, admit you dumped the soap) turn so quickly into hour long raging issues. It's like something inside them just fights the truth! I mean, I really couldn't believe the raging DS was doing on his own inside the car. He hadn't been yelled at, he hadn't been punished, he hadn't been told he had to stay there, and he hadn't been unjustly accused. But his conscience was warring within him, and it was driving him nuts! He decided to take the difficult path (lying, denial, raging) rather than just admit his guilt and accept the consequence (a short talking-to). I don't get that! Maybe I never will.
I sometimes think of the phrase, "Is this the hill you want to die on," when confronting certain issues, and I certainly wouldn't chose to die on the hill of "snapping at your brother" or "dumping out the soap." It doesn't start that way, but somehow I keep getting dragged to the hill whether I want to go there or not. At the end, I stand there in wonderment at how I got there in the first place.
DD went on to be more focused and appropriate at her gymnastics class than usual, spending more time doing tricks and less time arguing/talking/playing with her hair. DS went on to smile, snuggle, and joke with me for the rest of class time. We get sunshine after the rain. Sometimes I swear we need the rain to get the sunshine, because I doubt DD would have been as focused if she hadn't gotten the rage out of her system. It's like the rage has to happen either way, it's just a matter of what the trigger will be. Sometimes I'd rather it be triggered at home than in other situations anyway.
Of course, I may have spoken too soon. As I was reading back and editing this post, I heard screams from the living room. DS had grabbed DD's hair. He said, "I didn't touch her, I just grabbed her hair!" Hm... cause that's not a part of her??? After much whining from both parties, it came out that he had thought she said, "This isn't your home," but actually he had deduced that from hearing only the word "home," when in actuality she had said, "This isn't just your home, it's all of ours." Sigh.. Even he ended up laughing at himself.
Sigh... I guess the forecast is for scattered showers after all.
Got up this morning ready to face the day. DS was up and at 'em and ready for cartoons, with DD taking a little longer to finish dressing (big surprise). Gave out meds, headed to our room to get myself ready. Not 2 seconds after DD descended the stairs, heard screaming. Great. DS hadn't even had a chance to do anything to bug her, so I poked my head out. "He threw my sweatshirt on the floor.. blah, blah, blah!"
At which point I told her that the night before I had taken her sweatshirt off the couch (where it didn't belong), and put it on the newel post at the end of the stair rail, and apparently it had fallen during the night. So if she needed to yell at anyone for the crime, it would have to be Gravity (or maybe Newton, since he discovered it and all). Please sit at the top of the stairs for 5 minutes to calm down and apologize.
But noooooo..... she can't leave it at that. She has to go through a half hour of smart mouthing and raging. I could almost ignore the raging, but the smart mouthing drives me nuts. Finally got her calmed, and reminded her that I needed to see an improved attitude before gymnastics, as I have no plans to inflict her "nasties" on the unsuspecting teacher.
Whew... that's done!
Only during the preceding process, I discovered that someone had dumped out the recently filled soap container in the kids' bathroom. Sigh. Pull the two kids aside and say that I know it's one or the other, and I would like to know who did it. Not like it's the end of the world, but it's wasteful, and I'm an odd duck who prefers honesty. I was hoping for a quick confession, a short discussion on not wasting stuff (and on pretending to wash with soap when the container is actually empty). Silly me.
I could tell right away from DS's response that he was the guilty party. He has a certain shifty-eyed, won't-meet-my-gaze look when he's lying. And he gets extremely defensive. But apparently "Not Me" is active in our house, so both kids got a seat on the stairs, because I don't appreciate being lied to. DS became more and more defensive (can you say, "guilty conscience?" I knew you could), so we moved on to breakfast and a trip to gymnastics, and I left it at telling them I would like honesty sometime in the near future.
Fortunately, DS's conscience eats at him when he lies, in a way that DD's does not. But he's learned that DD is so often guilty that he plays a game of waiting for her to take the rap rather than admit his own culpability. So as we arrived at gymnastics, DS admitted, that, well, he thought that maybe he had done something by accident, when he tried adding water to the container, but he didn't remember dumping it (hmm.. it happened last night, dude... you have a better memory than that!) I told him calmly that I appreciated him fessing up, and that I think we're getting closer to the truth, but that we weren't quite there yet, and I hoped to have it soon. Left it at that, and calmly offered that he could either come in with my to gym. or could sit in the car for a while if he preferred, and come in when he liked. I could tell from my seat inside that he was raging like mad, pounding on windows and the seats. I left him be, and about 15 minutes later he came in, and admitted that he had looked away while holding the container to talk to his sister and it "might" have happened then. After that he was pretty clingy and snuggly, which he often is after a rage.
I asked him why he did it, and he said he was scared of the consequence, though he admitted it probably wouldn't have been as big as the consequence for lying and raging. I told him that the biggest consequence was the loss of my trust, and the guilt that I know is eating at him. As for the soap, all I needed to tell him was that it was wasteful to dump it, and that I needed to know that they were out again so I could refill the container, but if it made him feel better, he could deduct 50 cents from his funds to pay for the soap. And that it was not OK for him to try to wait it out so his sister was blamed, so he needed to apologize to his sister for trying to let her take the rap.
Sigh... it's amazing how little things (sit on the stairs for 5 minutes, admit you dumped the soap) turn so quickly into hour long raging issues. It's like something inside them just fights the truth! I mean, I really couldn't believe the raging DS was doing on his own inside the car. He hadn't been yelled at, he hadn't been punished, he hadn't been told he had to stay there, and he hadn't been unjustly accused. But his conscience was warring within him, and it was driving him nuts! He decided to take the difficult path (lying, denial, raging) rather than just admit his guilt and accept the consequence (a short talking-to). I don't get that! Maybe I never will.
I sometimes think of the phrase, "Is this the hill you want to die on," when confronting certain issues, and I certainly wouldn't chose to die on the hill of "snapping at your brother" or "dumping out the soap." It doesn't start that way, but somehow I keep getting dragged to the hill whether I want to go there or not. At the end, I stand there in wonderment at how I got there in the first place.
DD went on to be more focused and appropriate at her gymnastics class than usual, spending more time doing tricks and less time arguing/talking/playing with her hair. DS went on to smile, snuggle, and joke with me for the rest of class time. We get sunshine after the rain. Sometimes I swear we need the rain to get the sunshine, because I doubt DD would have been as focused if she hadn't gotten the rage out of her system. It's like the rage has to happen either way, it's just a matter of what the trigger will be. Sometimes I'd rather it be triggered at home than in other situations anyway.
Of course, I may have spoken too soon. As I was reading back and editing this post, I heard screams from the living room. DS had grabbed DD's hair. He said, "I didn't touch her, I just grabbed her hair!" Hm... cause that's not a part of her??? After much whining from both parties, it came out that he had thought she said, "This isn't your home," but actually he had deduced that from hearing only the word "home," when in actuality she had said, "This isn't just your home, it's all of ours." Sigh.. Even he ended up laughing at himself.
Sigh... I guess the forecast is for scattered showers after all.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Delinquent Blogging
I know I have been a poor poster this year. I've thought many times about things to say, challenges we've faced, etc. But whenever I think about posting, I have the following internal dialog:
Hmm... I should post something
Do you really have anything interesting to say?
Well.... DS (or DD) was really challenging today...
So what's new about that?
I know... I know... same old, same old. How about something uplifting?
We both know you're not feeling particularly uplifting these days.
I'm really struggling right now with the way things are going. The 13-yr-old/FASD combination is really kicking me in the butt!
Wah Wah Wah... what are you whining about?
I'm stressed, and having a hard time visualizing making it to the end of this road.
Is what you're dealing with really that bad? Look at what (insert your name here) is going through. Your stuff is incredibly minor in comparison.
But it's hard! (insert whining voice here)
You are so blessed! Look at how your kids have thrived! Look at their successes. Many of the families you read about would consider your kids a picnic!
And so it goes. Everything that happens seems to be a rerun of every other rage/lie/fight we've have before. It's like a non-funny version of Groundhog Day. I'm feeling frustrated and down, and yet I realize that my challenges are blips compared to what I see in your blogs (and yes, I know you are thinking it couldn't possibly be yours. But it is. All of you. I am amazed and humbled at how you face the day-to-day trials of this path with grace, hope and laughter.) I am trying over and over again to be thankful for our blessings, to find the hope, to embrace the successes, but the whiny part of me just isn't hearing it.
I am struggling with jealousy, too... I see the social growth and interactions of the other children in my kids' classes, and I ache to know what that kind of "normal" feels like. I see parents with babies, and I ache for my arms to be similarly full. And then I am ashamed at my jealousy and dissatisfaction, and think how many parents would be joyful to have our two to love and hold, to have two children who are able to walk, and talk, and run, and learn. So I wonder what's wrong with me, and I start the cycle over again. I pray over and over for the Lord to help me break out of this cycle, to praise my blessings, to release those things that plague me. But I'm not doing very well.
Our lives have been filled with the usual things... 13-yr-old attitude combined with FASD illogic, RAD raging, hours of homework battles, a crazy work load. Our transition from school year to summer has been reasonably calm, though I worry about what issues will come up in the summer program.
This isn't meant to be a pity party, just an explanation of why I have been in a blog drought. I need to find my voice again, I just don't know where it is.
Hmm... I should post something
Do you really have anything interesting to say?
Well.... DS (or DD) was really challenging today...
So what's new about that?
I know... I know... same old, same old. How about something uplifting?
We both know you're not feeling particularly uplifting these days.
I'm really struggling right now with the way things are going. The 13-yr-old/FASD combination is really kicking me in the butt!
Wah Wah Wah... what are you whining about?
I'm stressed, and having a hard time visualizing making it to the end of this road.
Is what you're dealing with really that bad? Look at what (insert your name here) is going through. Your stuff is incredibly minor in comparison.
But it's hard! (insert whining voice here)
You are so blessed! Look at how your kids have thrived! Look at their successes. Many of the families you read about would consider your kids a picnic!
And so it goes. Everything that happens seems to be a rerun of every other rage/lie/fight we've have before. It's like a non-funny version of Groundhog Day. I'm feeling frustrated and down, and yet I realize that my challenges are blips compared to what I see in your blogs (and yes, I know you are thinking it couldn't possibly be yours. But it is. All of you. I am amazed and humbled at how you face the day-to-day trials of this path with grace, hope and laughter.) I am trying over and over again to be thankful for our blessings, to find the hope, to embrace the successes, but the whiny part of me just isn't hearing it.
I am struggling with jealousy, too... I see the social growth and interactions of the other children in my kids' classes, and I ache to know what that kind of "normal" feels like. I see parents with babies, and I ache for my arms to be similarly full. And then I am ashamed at my jealousy and dissatisfaction, and think how many parents would be joyful to have our two to love and hold, to have two children who are able to walk, and talk, and run, and learn. So I wonder what's wrong with me, and I start the cycle over again. I pray over and over for the Lord to help me break out of this cycle, to praise my blessings, to release those things that plague me. But I'm not doing very well.
Our lives have been filled with the usual things... 13-yr-old attitude combined with FASD illogic, RAD raging, hours of homework battles, a crazy work load. Our transition from school year to summer has been reasonably calm, though I worry about what issues will come up in the summer program.
This isn't meant to be a pity party, just an explanation of why I have been in a blog drought. I need to find my voice again, I just don't know where it is.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Greetings from CA
The kids are on Spring Break, so we are all in CA visiting my family. The last time the kids were here was 6 years ago, a few months after we found out they were available for adoption. (So you don't think we are depriving my side of the family of visits - we did see everyone a few years ago at my brother's wedding, just in a different part of the state).
They've done really well so far. We can tell sometimes that DS's schedule is off, but then, he gets mad at random stuff even when everything is perfectly on, so who knows. We were delayed for about 2 hours at the airport yesterday (DS announced he was bored about 5 min. after they announced the delay), then when we finally made it to this coast, we enjoyed a holding pattern in the clouds for an extra hour. Finally, 3 hours after we expected to land, we finally hit the ground. Unfortunately, this meant we arrived just in time for the usual SF traffic jam. Fun! But we made it, checked into the hotel, found dinner, and stopped over to see my brother and family before heading back to sleep.
Keeping the kids up late did not have the desired effect of helping them sleep late, though. Bright and early, DS was whispering his sister's name, in the hope of subtly waking her up (he knows he has to be quiet as long as she is still sleeping. Solution: make sure she is no longer sleeping). And of course he started bouncing around immediately, asking about breakfast. (We stocked up at the store tonight, so we can feed him as the need arises)
One of the reasons we made this trip was to finish clearing out the storage locker full of stuff from my Mom's estate. Quite a few antiques, including a beautiful old china cabinet, complete sets of Limoges and Mikasa china, a few pieces of art, a ton of china horses, and lot of other odds and ends. So we arrived this morning to take inventory and put a plan together, only to find that someone had broken in during the last two years and cleaned out everything of any value, leaving on the trash and the items with negligable value. What's odd is that they then put new locks on the storage unit, so we never knew. Needless to say we are very unhappy, but the coulda, shoulda, woulda's don't change the situation. It's frustrating to loose the stuff, but aggravating to know that we have spent tons of money to store the remaining trash. Sigh. God has a plan... God has a plan... God has a plan...
The kids are watching a movie on the other computer, and Jeff is snoring softly. I think I'll wrap up and get a little quiet reading time before the movie ends. Tomorrow we head to my Dad's house for Easter brunch and more time with my nieces.
May you all have a blessed Easter, and may the Lord's peace be upon you.
He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!
They've done really well so far. We can tell sometimes that DS's schedule is off, but then, he gets mad at random stuff even when everything is perfectly on, so who knows. We were delayed for about 2 hours at the airport yesterday (DS announced he was bored about 5 min. after they announced the delay), then when we finally made it to this coast, we enjoyed a holding pattern in the clouds for an extra hour. Finally, 3 hours after we expected to land, we finally hit the ground. Unfortunately, this meant we arrived just in time for the usual SF traffic jam. Fun! But we made it, checked into the hotel, found dinner, and stopped over to see my brother and family before heading back to sleep.
Keeping the kids up late did not have the desired effect of helping them sleep late, though. Bright and early, DS was whispering his sister's name, in the hope of subtly waking her up (he knows he has to be quiet as long as she is still sleeping. Solution: make sure she is no longer sleeping). And of course he started bouncing around immediately, asking about breakfast. (We stocked up at the store tonight, so we can feed him as the need arises)
One of the reasons we made this trip was to finish clearing out the storage locker full of stuff from my Mom's estate. Quite a few antiques, including a beautiful old china cabinet, complete sets of Limoges and Mikasa china, a few pieces of art, a ton of china horses, and lot of other odds and ends. So we arrived this morning to take inventory and put a plan together, only to find that someone had broken in during the last two years and cleaned out everything of any value, leaving on the trash and the items with negligable value. What's odd is that they then put new locks on the storage unit, so we never knew. Needless to say we are very unhappy, but the coulda, shoulda, woulda's don't change the situation. It's frustrating to loose the stuff, but aggravating to know that we have spent tons of money to store the remaining trash. Sigh. God has a plan... God has a plan... God has a plan...
The kids are watching a movie on the other computer, and Jeff is snoring softly. I think I'll wrap up and get a little quiet reading time before the movie ends. Tomorrow we head to my Dad's house for Easter brunch and more time with my nieces.
May you all have a blessed Easter, and may the Lord's peace be upon you.
He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
One More Time
She did it again! For the 5th time, DD cut her own hair! And of course she lied about it... first she said it wasn't cut (uhhh.. I saw it the other day and there was no short hunk in front). Then she said she was cutting paper (uhhh... unless you were using the scissors 3 inches from your eyeballs, I don't think so). I looked her in the eye, told her to think and speak honestly, so she defiantly announced, "Yes, I did it!" Grrrr...
And I have to admit, I was not in the "oh, I understand this is FASD and your brain does't think these things through" mood. I was (and still am, to be honest), in the "I'm furious because you did this again!!!" mood. Her rage and refusals afterwards didn't help my mood.
I really don't understand the thought process that goes into this... Every time it gets her in trouble. Every time it is a mess I have to clean up. Every time I know she's lying about it. She was growing her hair out in order to donate it - we've been putting up with extra long hair for months now, waiting for that last inch. Yes, other kids cut their hair, but at 3, not at 13.
Sigh.. and this was on top of her refusals last night... The day went wonderfully (even if the 15 min. homework assignment took her 1.5 hrs.), but then she was mad at bedtime because she didn't get done with shower/dressing in time for snack (despite extra time and several warnings), and was mad when I came up to make sure the teeth got brushed, so she clenched her teeth on the toothbrush and pulled the handle till the thick handle snapped. And then raged and complained her teeth hurt (well... your choice to use them as a lever to break the brush.) Have fun brushing with the short part for a few days.
I know I should be more patient and understanding. I know I should accept that it is her prenatal brain damage that causes her to make these poor choices. I know that she is doing amazingly well. I'll be back there in a little while. But right now, I'm just frustrated and tired.
And I have to admit, I was not in the "oh, I understand this is FASD and your brain does't think these things through" mood. I was (and still am, to be honest), in the "I'm furious because you did this again!!!" mood. Her rage and refusals afterwards didn't help my mood.
I really don't understand the thought process that goes into this... Every time it gets her in trouble. Every time it is a mess I have to clean up. Every time I know she's lying about it. She was growing her hair out in order to donate it - we've been putting up with extra long hair for months now, waiting for that last inch. Yes, other kids cut their hair, but at 3, not at 13.
Sigh.. and this was on top of her refusals last night... The day went wonderfully (even if the 15 min. homework assignment took her 1.5 hrs.), but then she was mad at bedtime because she didn't get done with shower/dressing in time for snack (despite extra time and several warnings), and was mad when I came up to make sure the teeth got brushed, so she clenched her teeth on the toothbrush and pulled the handle till the thick handle snapped. And then raged and complained her teeth hurt (well... your choice to use them as a lever to break the brush.) Have fun brushing with the short part for a few days.
I know I should be more patient and understanding. I know I should accept that it is her prenatal brain damage that causes her to make these poor choices. I know that she is doing amazingly well. I'll be back there in a little while. But right now, I'm just frustrated and tired.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
FASD in Hollywood
The other night I was watching a late night CSI: NY episode while folding laundry. It was the usual murder-mystery plot - this one involving a magician who was committing several well-planned murders against people he felt had betrayed him.
When the detectives started to suspect the magician, they did some research into his past. They claimed he had been adopted after his mother died in childbirth. His adoptive mother surrendered him when he was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, "which is characterized by irrational behavior and violent rages" , because she feared for her own birth child's safety. Later, they said that people with FAS "have poor cause and effect thinking and an inability to distinguish fantasy from reality." Because this man felt rejected by his family, he lashed out and killed two friends and his adoptive mother.
I have so many objections to this portrayal of FASD, not the least of which is the negative portrayal of those who live with this disability. Don't our children face enough challenges integrating into society without the added stigma of being associated with violent, sociopathic murderers? (To be honest, the character I saw portrayed seemed much more consistent with RAD than FASD.)
Yes, some of these symptoms are seen in children and adults with FASD, but this in no way tells the whole story. Do they rage? Sometimes, but it is generally more a symptom of frustration and sensory overload, than a focused, murderous attack. Do they behave irrationally? There are days when it would seem so, but just because thought processes may not follow the "normal" path doesn't make them irrational. Are they unable to distinguish fantasy from reality? I haven't seen it, though sometimes my daughter misreads social or visual cues and becomes convinced of something we know isn't actually true. The only one that really hits the nail on the head is "poor cause and effect thinking," which I see in my daughter every day.
The crimes in the show were very carefully planned, very detailed and cruel. My daughter wouldn't hurt a fly, and is such a sweet, caring, and forgiving soul (when she doesn't hate me). And I have to tell you there is no way my daughter would be able to pull together something that complicated. Frankly, she'd get about 5 minutes into plotting and would be distracted by a butterfly.
Now, I know that FASD has a multitude of variations and manifestations. What I see in my child may be very different from what you see in yours. But this kind of portrayal paints an overly simplified picture of a complex disability. I suppose it is good that Hollywood is at least aware that FASD exists, but I'd much rather see an opportunity for a complex, honest portrayal of FASD which educates, than this sensationalized version.
When the detectives started to suspect the magician, they did some research into his past. They claimed he had been adopted after his mother died in childbirth. His adoptive mother surrendered him when he was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, "which is characterized by irrational behavior and violent rages" , because she feared for her own birth child's safety. Later, they said that people with FAS "have poor cause and effect thinking and an inability to distinguish fantasy from reality." Because this man felt rejected by his family, he lashed out and killed two friends and his adoptive mother.
I have so many objections to this portrayal of FASD, not the least of which is the negative portrayal of those who live with this disability. Don't our children face enough challenges integrating into society without the added stigma of being associated with violent, sociopathic murderers? (To be honest, the character I saw portrayed seemed much more consistent with RAD than FASD.)
Yes, some of these symptoms are seen in children and adults with FASD, but this in no way tells the whole story. Do they rage? Sometimes, but it is generally more a symptom of frustration and sensory overload, than a focused, murderous attack. Do they behave irrationally? There are days when it would seem so, but just because thought processes may not follow the "normal" path doesn't make them irrational. Are they unable to distinguish fantasy from reality? I haven't seen it, though sometimes my daughter misreads social or visual cues and becomes convinced of something we know isn't actually true. The only one that really hits the nail on the head is "poor cause and effect thinking," which I see in my daughter every day.
The crimes in the show were very carefully planned, very detailed and cruel. My daughter wouldn't hurt a fly, and is such a sweet, caring, and forgiving soul (when she doesn't hate me). And I have to tell you there is no way my daughter would be able to pull together something that complicated. Frankly, she'd get about 5 minutes into plotting and would be distracted by a butterfly.
Now, I know that FASD has a multitude of variations and manifestations. What I see in my child may be very different from what you see in yours. But this kind of portrayal paints an overly simplified picture of a complex disability. I suppose it is good that Hollywood is at least aware that FASD exists, but I'd much rather see an opportunity for a complex, honest portrayal of FASD which educates, than this sensationalized version.
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