Old Fuddy-Duddies

We've been having quite a few adventures in romance around here lately. Both of our kids are starting to discover the opposite sex, and there have been some interesting conversations as of late. Jeff and I have been approaching this in very different ways. Jeff's preferred attitude is to stick his fingers in his ears and sing "la la la la... I can't hear you!!" But barring that, he'd prefer that the rule be "No dating, kissing, or hand-holding until you're 20!"

I have a slightly more philosophical position. Certainly, I am conservative when it comes to what I will and won't allow, but I look at this as a chance to talk to the kids about more difficult topics, and help them shape their identities in the dating world. Of course, I, too, would prefer if they waited until they were 20, but realistically, I'd rather they approach these things with my active involvement than for them to start sneaking around behind our backs. They are in a program this summer for Jr. high age kids, enjoying a different field trip each day, so they are making all sorts of new acquaintances.

DD was the first one with a summer romance. She met a boy (we'll call him Barry) at their summer program, who is a few months older than she is, though he is one grade ahead of her. We received a call one evening a few weeks ago, and a deep male voice asked, "May I speak to (DD)?" Well, at first I wondered why a man was calling my 13-yr-old daughter, but I asked who it was and he told me his name. I passed her the phone, and on the sly asked DS who he was, and he said it was someone really nice, and the same age. I guess his voice just changed a little earlier than most! A short time later, she came asking if she could go to his birthday party in a few weeks. I talked to the parents, and agreed that if other family plans didn't come up, she could go. Later I listened to a message he'd left on our machine, where he said he was, "calling to inquire whether (DD) could come to his party." Gotta love a kid with manners.

We're playing this by ear so far. It seems to still be going strong, and he wrote her an interesting letter while she was at camp (which she made everyone in the family read :), full of very serious declarations about who he is and his beliefs. Jeff's first comment was, "He's kind of a dork," but I'm OK with that. I'd rather her date the "dorks" in the class than the cool guys - they tend to be the ones with manners and less trouble-making on their minds. I've often wondered what kind of guy she would choose as her "type." You know we all have one - we may date someone a little out of character once in a while, but we tend back towards the same sorts of guys. I will be perfectly happy if this is her "type," and we don't have to deal with a lot of trouble-makers down the road.
To be honest, I'm kind of happy for her. She isn't in on a lot of the "normal" experiences of a lot of girls her age, and it will be nice for her to be able to back to school in the fall with a story to tell. Especially if it's of the innocent variety. And if it goes sour, she doesn't have to see him in class every day next year.

DS has had his own issues. As DD's romance started blooming, he started thinking about the girl he "like-liked" last year. He wanted to call her to ask if she still liked him, though she wasn't returning his messages, and they hadn't talked in 9 months. Turns out there was someone else he likes this summer, and he wanted to make sure he was not doing something that would hurt her feelings. I have to commend him for caring, though privately I think the risk was minimal. He told me that he likes "Minnie," and finally told her so while floating on the lazy river at the water park. He said she seemed surprised, but that she had said "goodbye" to him that evening, which was new. Then he asked if he could ask her out on a date alone. Ummm.. you're 12, dude! He thinks we're being over-protective, and that he can handle it, but really, that's not the issue. I know he's more mature, but if we let him go, guess who will be asking, too. And I really think 12 is too young. Either way, it might be a little early to be planning dates when so far she has just said goodbye to him.

Now we've had a string of romantic concerns from DS, because there is more than one girl he likes, and he's been back and forth on what to do. It's been very interesting, but I like that he feels he can come to me and ask for advice as to how to approach this or that situation. On Friday, as he got in the car, he started talking about a boy/girl sleepover one of the kids was having. When I questioned it, he said, "oh, but we're sleeping in separate rooms." Ummm.... what's this "we" business dude? He tried backpedaling, but finally admitted that he was invited and wanted to go, too. Nope, sorry, no mixed gender sleepovers, especially not at 12. Both kids declared we were too cautious and old-fashioned. Oh well. I guess we'll have to live with being old fuddy-duddies!

One thing I've been telling both kids is, "Be gentle with other people's hearts, because you'd want them to be gentle with yours." This is a crazy age, and there are so many hormones and confusions going on that it would be easy for someone to get hurt. I know we will be dealing with a broken heart sooner or later, but hopefully they'll learn to be kind in the process. We've had discussions about being picky and choosing someone who has good qualities, not just the first person who likes you, and about maintaining your own interests and personalities in a relationship, and in not getting claustrophobically close to someone you like. I think it's all good, and even if most of it goes in one ear and out the other, maybe something will stick. So far, so good.

I don't know if we're really ready for all this, but it's coming whether we like it or not. I guess all we can do is hang on for the ride, old Fuddy-duddies that we are! Wish us luck!