Fun with FASD and Sabotage

We had an interesting weekend here. We still maintain our foster care license, and we are doing respite periodically, currently for a 13-yr-old girl with FASD. "Carly" is the middle child of three adopted by their grandparents, who are definitely finding her challenging.

She's a very sweet girl, and a great companion for DD. It's not that she misbehaves, but that she is so energetic and ever-present. She just doesn't stop! Just like DD, she lacks an understanding of social appropriateness. It's not one particular behavior.... each one on its own is innocuous. It's the combination of behavior, the disconnect between social reality and the reality she perceives. For instance, by the second night she spent here, she was declaring her love for us. To a certain extent it's sweet - I'm glad she is comfortable, since this was her first time sleeping away from home. However, love is a little strong an emotion for such a short acquaintance.

This weekend was all about the drama. I could tell Carly wanted some, and if it wouldn't come to her, she would create it. She mentioned some disturbance with a boy at school during the day on Friday, and I suspect she hadn't gotten enough sympathy for it and was bound and determined to get more somehow. So she declared at one point she "needed to be alone" and ejected DD from her own room. When I called Carly down, she was teary eyed because she thought DD was mad at her (much to DD's surprise). We talked about how everyone in a family needs to find ways to be positive about other family members, rather than looking for a reason to be hurt. A similar incident sent DS storming up to his room (as in, I wasn't mad before, but now I am!). There were other stick poking behaviors, which I quickly snuffed out. I simply told her no, we weren't starting that drama, and we moved on.

It's interesting watching DD and Carly together. So much alike, but it makes me appreciate how we've instilled some social stop signs in DD over the years. There are times, though, when Jeff and I can only shake our heads in amusement at some of the crazy stuff they come up with together. DS is going crazy - and developing a new appreciation for his sister. It gets a little exhausting, so we certainly know why the family needs the respite!

Of course, DD is trying to create some drama of her own, and sabotage herself in the process. Fits about everything, lackluster attempts at her work. Today it was the cell phone. Because of Jeff's need to have an iPhone at the same time I got one, we added a line to our plan, with the idea that we might give the kids the phone to share for emergency calls home when they are away at a sports event, or periodically to text friends. We debated about giving it to them over Christmas, but finally decided we would, with strict limits on where/when they could text. We set up parental limits (it only works at certain times), and access is dependant on homework and behavior. It is not to go to school! (or anywhere else without permission)

DS uses it occasionally (and appropriately) to text friends. DD is text crazy if we let her, and struggles to understand that when the other person responds repeatedly with "K" to her texts, that means they are ready to be done with the conversation. We expected this, and I've been hoping this would be an opportunity to help her with conversation skills.

Well, it was used quite a bit over the weekend at DS's basketball tournaments, so it was set to charge last night. Just before leaving this AM, Jeff looked over and noticed it was no longer on the charger. He asked DD where it was, and she said, "Oh, I accidentally put it in my backpack." Cause it's easy to trip and drop it in a backpack... oops! He calmly took it, announced it was gone until further notice, that it was coming with him (so she wouldn't search the office) and left. She has not mentioned it, but she knows the consequence for sneaking something to school is losing the item. She already lost her new makeup a couple of weeks ago. Sigh....

Then she asked me this afternoon if she could go to the church's middle school night tomorrow (every Tuesday for grades 5-8) I told her it would be dependant on her homework being completed, and since there is a full list, she would need to buckle down so I wouldn't just see 10 math problems done when I got home. Algebra is her strongest subject, but it was plain when I checked over the work that she had guessed on 2/3 of the 30 problems. It was so bad that most of the answers have no relation to the question asked (Q: "Is the event described dependent or independent?" A: 3) I think she figures I will work through it with her in the morning, so what does it matter. I will not. I will let her know that she can expect a poor grade, and she has the option to work on it tomorrow on her own in the hopes of improving it, but there will be no extra help from me, and no extra activities until I see a corrected paper.

I wish I could say she will care that her classmates will see her F paper. I don't think she will. Nothing motivates her, and I can't hold the phone as a carrot because she's already lost that. Therapists, teachers, the psychiatrist recommend I offer a reward of something she wants as motivation. She doesn't care. If I do find something she cares about to hold in the balance, she can stop it all on a dime, so it's within her control. She just refuses to control it.

This isn't the first time she's done it for math, and it's not the only subject for which she's pulling this stunt. It bugs me, because I have no problem with a child who tries their best and stumbles on their work or gets frustrated, but it drives me nuts when she is too lazy to do things of which I know she is completely capable. Then the school is willing to cut back on her work load, but that becomes a reward for slacking off. But to push her to complete it (and negate the reward) just sucks up my time and energy.

It's a battle of wills. I can be incredibly stubborn, but in truth I don't want my life with my daughter to be nothing but a battle. I am torn as to the best strategy. Ignore it and don't mention anything about the paper? Calmly tell her she has only a few right and suggest she may want to review it, then ignore her? Stand over her until it is completed? I'm leaning toward #2. No matter which one I choose, she will use it as an excuse to rage at me.

The teachers turn to me to clean up the missed/neglected/sloppily done work, even though they know I'm overloaded. But they don't want to fight the battle with her, so they leave it to me. I understand their reluctance, but they all know and acknowledge that it's slowly killing me. I'm determined to get her through high school, but am not sure I can survive the experience if I'm dragging dead weight. Jeff isn't strong in the homework area, so I'm johnny-on-the-spot. Some have suggested we get an independent tutor... sorry, we don't have the funds, and don't know who we would inflict this on. Besides, it's not that she *can't* do it... it's that she won't! (Sorry Kari, but this one is definitely a *won't*!)

So she continues to sabotage... her phone, her makeup, her activities. I expect she will sabotage the upcoming class trip to Washington DC as well. I worry about how she will try to sabotage my trip to Orlando. Right now the plan is to put her in respite for the weekend, and tell the teachers there will be no homework done until after I return. I know it's a trigger point, and I just don't want Jeff to have to deal with the explosion.

OK, this is getting long, and I should get to bed. If you've made it this far, thank you for putting up with my rant!