Getting it Right (for once!)

Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, but good.

We've had a rough couple of weeks since the kiddos came back from their grandparents' house. DD was in fine form all week while she was gone - defiant, lying, nasty, hurtful - you name it, she did it. Then she came back and punished us for it all with more nastiness. And she broke the screen on our netbook when she didn't want to do her typing (which she has to do now because she didn't do it during school). Even her therapist was shocked at the venom DD unleashed at her (and I was glad that someone else could see it instead of the "sweet little girl" routine). I even had her tested for strep on the off chance that she might have picked it up from Java (of the Coffees) and we might be dealing with PANDAS.

Finally, after a couple of miserable weeks, things started to improve a bit. Not that we didn't get the nasties, but they weren't so constant. Then came last night.

The kids had to spend the day home alone, as both of us had to work, and the day program they attend was scheduled to "hang out at the Mall of America." Hmmm... send my little kleptomaniac to wander around a mall for the day, with no $$... not such a great plan. We've done this a few times this summer, and things have gone pretty well. I give them a couple of assignments, plan out the meals, and am available by phone all day. Yesterday was no exception, and the only assignment I gave was to complete 3 pages in their math workbook (trying to keep the math brain going over the summer). Note that this is the same book DD begged me to buy her at the beginning of the summer, and I picked the easiest pages for them to do. The rule was that they could watch a movie in the afternoon once their math was done.

Well, DD didn't do it, and then lied to DS that she had so she could watch the movie, then lost it when Jeff came home because DS told him the truth. And the venom started flying. I got a text from Jeff on my way home warning me that she was in fine form last night, and he'd already been through one round of kicking/hitting/biting/screaming (oh, if only she could just not scream! You'd think we were chopping off body parts with a dull ax!), so I should expect more (he was leaving for the evening, lucky devil!)

Earlier in the day, I'd read Christine's post on how she'd successfully handled a similar situation with her daughter, and it inspired me. Thanks Christine!

I walked in, and DD was in the living room pretending to write an apology note but really making a bracelet. She stood up and glared at me with a depth of hatred I haven't seen in her before (DS is the one who specializes in dark looks). I approached her calmly and asked her if this was going to be a good choice, if her anger was going to bring good things. She glared more. I walked up to her and hugged her, rubbing her back. She told me she didn't want me to do that. I did it anyway. (I'm a stubborn cuss). She growled that she wanted revenge (presumably on her brother), along with the other usual vitriolic stuff. I pulled her to the couch and hugged her (it was like hugging a board), rubbed her back, and started tapping alternate shoulders. Finally she calmed to the point where I could send her across the room for a Kleenex.

Then I sent her to the bathroom to wash off the nasty words she'd written all over them. When she came back, she was back in full anger mode again. Sigh. I looked at her, smiled, and patted the couch next to me and asked her to sit. She didn't want to. Asked her again, and said that I realized her anger was taking over, but she had the power to make a good choice. More refusal, and an insistence she wanted to sit on the floor. She was determined not to comply! I finally pulled out the, "I'll be uncomfortable on the floor, because my joints are aching today" card. And she finally relented and sat.

We talked, and talked (or more like I talked, she nodded or shook her head periodically) about the feelings that accompanied her choices during the day. How the one bad choice (not to do her work) made her feel guilty and angry at herself, which lead to the next bad choice (lying), which made it worse. And how her thoughts were telling her she was bad and stupid for that choice. So that by the time DS told Jeff about the incomplete work, DD was already at the explosion point, and he was just the lucky match. About how parents are human, too, and if she pushes our buttons, then we're going to get mad sometimes, too. In fact, she agreed it would be a little weird if we didn't. Then I talked about the good choice she'd made, to sit next to me even though she didn't want to. And how that feeling of closeness led to good feelings, and how a single choice can lead you upwards or downwards.

I don't know how much of all that sank in. But if even 5% does, it is a step. She came back to the table, she did her math without arguing, she went to bed calmly. After prayers, I had her say the following: "I forgive (DS) for telling Dad what I did." "I forgive Dad for getting mad at me." "I forgive myself for making the wrong choice." It might be hokey, but she seemed to feel lighter after doing it, and I hope it gave her some closure.

Of course, DS had to have his turn, nearly exploding at me when I tried to help him with a math problem. I just hugged his resisting body (he will stiffen, but he never totally pulls away. He's admitted in the past that he's really just testing to see if I mean it) and rubbed his arms until he calmed. Then we talked about what was bothering him (end of summer, and a friend who won't be returning to his school this fall) and got him back on track.

Two for two! I have to admit I was pretty proud of myself, because I don't always do anywhere near that well. Just like I try to tell my kids that one success in controlling their temper shows they are getting stronger, and can do it again, I will need to remind myself that I can do it again too!

I'm glad we're almost to the end of the week - it's State Fair time here, my favorite activity of the year! Jeff and I are going on Saturday with friends, and I can't wait! We'll take the kids next week. Around here, the Fair is the focus of every TV news program and every Radio show. Most broadcast from the Fair for some portion of the day. It's like for one week, the whole state has a picnic planned. Ymmm.... lots of bad-for-you fried food ;-)